Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I've been with my partner almost 7 years now.. I've been doing research on codependency. I had a strange thing happen to me on the weekend he left town a couple weeks ago. I started reading, listening to audiobooks and really taking time to understand this thing. And I realized that I was codependent. Now that sounds silly I know, but I had touched on the subject so many times before.. and wondered so many times what was going on with me. And it was like the light just came on or something... as stupid as that sounds.
I looked back on every memory we have and it was freaking text book. I began to get so angry.. I can't even explain it. I just wanted to run. I was mad that I'd worked so damned hard at being something I'm not and worse yet I can't hardly allow myself to think of the example I've set for my kids. Looking back over the years.. I've been this way for a long time.. just dealt with it better. Or maybe I didn't.. I don't know.
For whatever reason I'm so angry!! I'm angry at him every time he makes some little belittling comment to me. I'm angry at being used for the last for the last 7 years! I'm angry at excusing him for so many things that I should've stopped a long time ago. I'm angry that he has a terminal illness that I somehow feel responsible for. I'm angry that everyone looks at me to fix everything for him every second of every day while I'm working so hard to create a career and take care of my own kids, while I'm made to feel guilty for that.. or maybe I do that to myself.. I don't know anymore.
I realize at this point I need some therapy. I realize at this point that most relationships would end or enter some sort of counseling. But what about those that the codependent is TRULY the caretaker. What about those people who may only have a couple years left.. do they walk? Do they go to therapy? Is it possible for me to set realistic boundaries while in this type of relationship?
I'm just so angry.. I can't explain it. I allowed it, it's not even all his fault. I got caught up and sucked in. I should've known better. I guess out of all this rant.. my question is.. does anyone in this group deal with their codependency while trying to stay in the relationship? And if so..HOW? And do you have this anger thing? Thanks for listening....
I looked back on every memory we have and it was freaking text book. I began to get so angry.. I can't even explain it. I just wanted to run. I was mad that I'd worked so damned hard at being something I'm not and worse yet I can't hardly allow myself to think of the example I've set for my kids. Looking back over the years.. I've been this way for a long time.. just dealt with it better. Or maybe I didn't.. I don't know.
For whatever reason I'm so angry!! I'm angry at him every time he makes some little belittling comment to me. I'm angry at being used for the last for the last 7 years! I'm angry at excusing him for so many things that I should've stopped a long time ago. I'm angry that he has a terminal illness that I somehow feel responsible for. I'm angry that everyone looks at me to fix everything for him every second of every day while I'm working so hard to create a career and take care of my own kids, while I'm made to feel guilty for that.. or maybe I do that to myself.. I don't know anymore.
I realize at this point I need some therapy. I realize at this point that most relationships would end or enter some sort of counseling. But what about those that the codependent is TRULY the caretaker. What about those people who may only have a couple years left.. do they walk? Do they go to therapy? Is it possible for me to set realistic boundaries while in this type of relationship?
I'm just so angry.. I can't explain it. I allowed it, it's not even all his fault. I got caught up and sucked in. I should've known better. I guess out of all this rant.. my question is.. does anyone in this group deal with their codependency while trying to stay in the relationship? And if so..HOW? And do you have this anger thing? Thanks for listening....
When was he diagnosed? What's the timeline? Are you married/legally tied? Are you in his will?
Impending death is different, IMO, than a "regular" situation... I can't really comment until I know a bit more.
I'm concerned about your comment "...every time he makes some little belittling comment to me." No one deserves this. Counseling is a good idea. If you're into reading/learning, I'd suggest reading "In Sheeps Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by Dr. George K. Simon. In a nutshell, he explains that there are 'Character Disordered' (CD) people who don't have enough capacity for shame and guilt. They use 'Covert Aggressive' tactics to control/use/exploit normal (neurotic) people and take advantage of our conscientiousness. These tactics are covert and sometimes a CD person will fight with us when we don't even know we're engaged in a fight. Tactics include:
-Rationalization (excuses, justification)
-Blaming and vilifying their victim
-Minimizing, deflection and/or evading
-Playing the victim
-Guilt-tripping, shaming, and putting you on the defensive
-Lying, denying, and/or lying by omission
-Bullying, intimidating, and threatening
-Hyper-vigilance (suspicious, critical, jealous)
This book has empowered me to 'deal' with my husband's jabs (& other tactics to maintain dominance and continue to use/exploit me). It gives instruction about how to respond differently to counter-act their tactics - and when the tactics stop working they'll drop them. It also helped me to stop putting myself at a disadvantage by worrying about how my words will 'hurt' him - because I now see that he doesn't genuinely feel guilty or ashamed of his hurtful actions/inactions. He's good at faking hurt, but that's one of his tools.
I too am co-dependent (& mild OCD - self diagnosed). I can only partly relate to your situation. I've been with my husband for 30 years (married for 25), and through the years I've helped him through several health crisis (depression, 2 knee surgeries, 1 shoulder surgery, 1 near crippling back injury which could have left him a quadriplegic, and now another shoulder problem). I believe some of this is psychosomatic- the last time I forced him to go back to work (in 2009), he developed the back problem within the first few weeks and ended up having to quit - hasn't worked since, even though he can fish, hunt, chop wood, etc. I'm working up to calling it quits and moving on with my life - as soon as my daughter leaves for college this fall.
I hope and pray that you can also find your way to a better place (with or without him).
I can tell you therapy helps. Im sure not only for
co dependency but im sure for being in a relationship
of any kind with a terminally ill person.
I think it comes down to what you want to do. If you really want to stay in the relationship, but you want certain things about it to improve, I'd try working on those problems. Set a boundary with him and say that you won't stand for his belittling or negative comments. Set a consequence for those actions and then follow through if he does them.
But if you really find yourself wanting out of the relationship, then it's time to start taking action toward getting out. As cruel as it sounds... You aren't responsible for his comfort or health. It's kind of you to help, but it sounds like you're past the limit where his illness has taken over significant portions of your life.
And even one day last week I got an emergency call while working from home claiming there was a medical emergency and I needed to drop everything and come right there. There was no emergency he just wanted me there.
Its very difficult but I'm NOT giving up. I'm going to keep reading, asking questions and working on these boundaries until I'm better. Thanks for the support guys and I'm totally reading "in Sheep's Clothing".
Thanks!
How do you know he's not lying about the terminal thing just to keep you hanging around?
Even something like a few days away might give you the opportunity to think. When I realised I suffered from codependcy it was a real 'aha' moment but then I got angry with lots of family members. Codependency needs more than one player to work! You might find that being a caretaker fulfilled you at one point? But now it frustrates you? I think we can switch roles in a codependent relationship.
I think it would be very helpful for you to get support/therapy in looking at the codependency and terminal illness. If you are fortunate you might have a local group that meets up?
Since reading 'sheep' I've really wanted to have a deeper discussion about it and learn about other real world cases of people living with a disordered character who uses covert aggressive and manipulation tactics.
So I created a small group DIVORCE BOOK CLUB on this site. If you're interested, do a search or go to the following link and join the group:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/divorce-book-club