Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Gilliflower 01/26/2017

I have been with my husband for 17 years (married for almost 15). When we met he immediately put me on a pedestal, rescued me from a really bad family situation. But he helped take care of my kids (2 from my previous marriage)until they were out of the house.

Over the last 7 years, things deteriorated. I found out from my daughter that he had made some crude advances towards her and followed up by saying he was in love with her.. She was over 18, but this is a man she saw as her dad! I didn't find out about this from her until 2 years ago. That brought me to CODA. I have attended meetings and have been working the program ever since.

More drama has happened since (not related to my daughter) and I just can't make myself leave!! (he's OD'd on his rx for pain, gambled online and got caught shoplifting). He's been diagnosed as bipolar and has many health issues that have left him disabled, essentially. I am the sole breadwinner.

The latest is that he's been chatting online with women. He actually asked me if it was ok for him to go off for a weekend and have sex with one of them if it came up! This was right before I was going to visit my daughter, and I told him NO.

He's still chatting. I hate it. I don't think he's sleeping with anyone(yet). I have felt physically ill, depressed and angry since this latest episode started. I feel that I have slipped backwards, codependent-wise. When I try to confront him, I end up feeling sorry for him and excuse him because he's sick. Which in turn makes me sick, etc.

I read Language of Letting Go (Melody Beattie) every day, Codependent No More and have started watching some of the You Tube videos suggested here. In addition to attending meetings.

I just feel so stuck. Working the 3rd Step, and still seeing others as my Higher Power. I am, no doubt, exactly where I need to be, but it is VERY hard right now.

AgentSmith 01/26/2017

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in a bad relationship over a year ago with a man who was very sick. He was later diagnosed with several personality disorders and some other psych illnesses. He was a sex addict, habitual cheater, and pathological liar. He treated me terribly, yet I kept going back for more. It went on for over a year. Constant roller coaster ride. His constant empty promises and me wanting so badly to believe them that I gave him an insane number of chances. In the end, I found out he had been cheating on me all along with a married woman who he always told me was just a friend and assured me I had nothing to worry about. AND he was married to another woman and talking with her daily. This was all done behind my back. Even after finding out, I gave him another chance and the lies and empty promises and cheating continued. I forced myself this time to stay away. It was really difficult at first, but after a couple months it became easy. The fog begins to clear and you finally start seeing them for who they really are. I no longer feel any amount of pity for him, despite his many psych issues. I just think of him as the truly evil, selfish person he is. I have no desire to talk to him and in fact recently got police involved because, despite being blocked everywhere, he has consistently been trying to get through to me, a year and a half later, and I want absolutely nothing to do with him. He makes me sick now. My views and attitude toward him now are 180 deg different than a year and a half ago. It just took time away from him for me to finally see things clearly. I think if you can just force yourself to get away and go no contact for a couple months, if you make it through that initial 2 months, you will have a very different view of him and things will get a lot easier. Good luck.

mirandac 01/26/2017

No contact is the way to go, it takes awhile
The longer you can go the more clarity you
gain. You are living in crazy with him and his
Disease and its Infected you. Take care of you,
Get into therapy to get more immediate help
And guidance. HUGS

Gilliflower 01/28/2017

Thank you. You have given me a lot to think about. I just need to remember not to get caught up in logistics (I.e. my stuff, leaving my garden, how to keep him away from work, etc. ) These are all excuses.

mirandac 01/28/2017

Do whats in your best interest, do not worry About him
you can not fix or control him. I think as a Codependent
we think we can fix others and not worry about ourselves.

I kept hitting my head against a brick wall, guess What in
the end he said he did not want my help And i thought i
had all the answers and i was very Wrong, All according
to him so that was my thanks, for trying to help and fix.

Guess who the unhappy camper was ? me, now i get to
Work on me and my issues as a single person and he
Can hopefully do the same. My ex does attend AA so i do
Have hopes he truly embraces the program and grows
Spiritually for his own healing and growth. Sometimes
You need to love them from afar and let them go.

I am not telling you what to do about your marriage that
Is a very personal decision for everyone on how you handle
That part of it. Alanon might help you too, i do hope you
Have a therapist to guide you. This stuff is very murky and
Its good to have guidance and someone watching over
You professionally. HUGS

CHIRASfromchiraq 01/29/2017

I am proud of you for believing your daughter and trying to become un-codependents. Way farther than some of people that's for sure.

Gilliflower 01/31/2017

I have an appointment today with my therapist, who I've been seeing for a number of years. She has counseled my husband too for how s PTSD (separately) and knows him pretty well. She has given me attorney names recently due to the direction our conversation has been going.
I have thought about Alanon too. There's a meeting for women- only in my area.
My daughter has been there for me, in spite of my NOT being there for her. She understands why that is. She's working on her own stuff and I am proud of her for doing that . She knows something is going on, but won't pry and I certainly am not going to tell her. It wouldn't be good for her or me. Maybe someday when this is all over and I have done what I need to do.

mirandac 01/31/2017

That all sounds like a plan, a good therapist Is
well worth it and I needed the validation.

Alanon and Coda are really the same they just talk
a Little different. They don't talk about themselves
As being Codie more like co addicts.

The more meetings the better to help you, keep
reaching Out on here and to other good healthy
loving people.

I am glad to be on the other side now as painful
As it is and was bad for the last 12 years. He was
Not the man i married or thought i married. HUGS

Gilliflower 02/02/2017

Thinking about being on the other side of this really helps. My therapist reassured me I'd get through this. It's gotten more painful (found some evidence of his involvement with at least one other. I wasn't looking for it either - stumbled across it)
But that has strengthened my resolve that this is the right thing to do.

mirandac 02/02/2017

This whole journey take tons of hard inner
work.

If you don't heal yourself you could end
Up again with someone like that. We attract
Someone on our own level of dysfunction.

The healthier you are, the better for you, your
Children and everyone around you. If i am
Around someone dysfunctional now my body
Says run and i get very uneasy.

It took me 18 months of no contact and also
Being divorced before i could truly detach
From my ex. I can Get triggered and i still
have my demons about my marriage. HUGS

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