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So on Thanksgiving my cousin came up, she is an alcoholic and proceeded to drink 2 bottles of champagne from 11-3. She was ok for the most part but her mouth has always been a trouble maker.
So we were sitting there and she decided to bring up this moment that my mom threw tea in my face and called me a whore, because I was 13 and went to this one beach in town where she didn't want me to go.
I knew right then my mom was flipping out on the inside.
We proceeded to joke about it the whole time that night saying "whore" the whole night....laughing laughing laughing. Then on the inside I was like "oh great, I am going to have to deal with this now". The reason I was going to have to deal with it, is because it was going to be a passive aggressive opportunity for her for the rest of my life..because she didn't believe or remember it had happened, and only believed she threw tea on my face...not that she called me a whore.
So my mom and I are going on a trip during X-mas together. The last time we did so we didn't talk for about 4 years because a passive aggressive moment came up for both of us and it went terrible.
This time around in communication, I am feeling really strong and centered so I brought it up this morning when she stopped by my house.
So I said are you having a problem with this being said, her response "not at all I have to consider the source, and I don't believe that happened at all, I may have thrown tea but whore has never been in my vocabulary"
I said "well that minimizes my experience which hurts my feelings", she said "well you are minimizing mine, so we are even" OUCH! That hurt. I guess i don't like that my mom is trying to get even with me.
So she started taking deep breaths, she was getting up to go, she was bolting out the door and I was like " you seem like you are getting really upset about something that you say didn't bother you". She said "I am upset and I had to say a little prayer"......Anyway in summary, she oft my house basically saying she didn't want to talk about it then, she had tears in her eyes and I said "look before you go i want to say this, that we are about to go on a trip and I don't want to go on this trip with the possibility that this is going to come up in some obscure way prior".
She agreed and abruptly left.
OMG this is so lame!! So now what do I have on my hands? Another parent who abused me and won't acknowledge it, it of course wasn't brought up well, but nonetheless it is there like a big fat elephant, and now I am having to pick up the pieces to console my mom and feel bad on top of it all??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!
Stupid Dummyhead Thanksgiving.
So we were sitting there and she decided to bring up this moment that my mom threw tea in my face and called me a whore, because I was 13 and went to this one beach in town where she didn't want me to go.
I knew right then my mom was flipping out on the inside.
We proceeded to joke about it the whole time that night saying "whore" the whole night....laughing laughing laughing. Then on the inside I was like "oh great, I am going to have to deal with this now". The reason I was going to have to deal with it, is because it was going to be a passive aggressive opportunity for her for the rest of my life..because she didn't believe or remember it had happened, and only believed she threw tea on my face...not that she called me a whore.
So my mom and I are going on a trip during X-mas together. The last time we did so we didn't talk for about 4 years because a passive aggressive moment came up for both of us and it went terrible.
This time around in communication, I am feeling really strong and centered so I brought it up this morning when she stopped by my house.
So I said are you having a problem with this being said, her response "not at all I have to consider the source, and I don't believe that happened at all, I may have thrown tea but whore has never been in my vocabulary"
I said "well that minimizes my experience which hurts my feelings", she said "well you are minimizing mine, so we are even" OUCH! That hurt. I guess i don't like that my mom is trying to get even with me.
So she started taking deep breaths, she was getting up to go, she was bolting out the door and I was like " you seem like you are getting really upset about something that you say didn't bother you". She said "I am upset and I had to say a little prayer"......Anyway in summary, she oft my house basically saying she didn't want to talk about it then, she had tears in her eyes and I said "look before you go i want to say this, that we are about to go on a trip and I don't want to go on this trip with the possibility that this is going to come up in some obscure way prior".
She agreed and abruptly left.
OMG this is so lame!! So now what do I have on my hands? Another parent who abused me and won't acknowledge it, it of course wasn't brought up well, but nonetheless it is there like a big fat elephant, and now I am having to pick up the pieces to console my mom and feel bad on top of it all??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!
Stupid Dummyhead Thanksgiving.
do not take my words personal as I do not know you or your Mom but the scenario you describe sounds familiar to me.
When people call nasty names then it is usually a reflection on their self. As such it is highly probable that when she called you a "w" then she might have been thinking about her self and that is why she denies the word today. Perhaps when she got pregnant with you then she was not married to your Dad? or maybe she was having an affair at that time? and therefore she could be calling you a "w" because she sees her self as a w.
That is just a guess, but really a Mom calling her daughter by that name is more than just a word, especially since she does not apologize for the word and now tries to deny it - then she is hiding some thing.
Just my opinion as I do not know.
Also children (young or old) have a peculiar way of picking up feelings and emotions from our parents, and as such it is unlikely that you care so much about being called that word as you feel that there is something hidden and that you can sense that from your Mom.
My own family of origin then my parents had 12 children and we found out that mother did not want all us kids and she hated the pain of childbirth and dreaded the cost of more children but they were devoted Catholics and were duty bound to have their babies. So every year my mother would pray to God that she would not get pregnant (that praying was her style of birth control) and she prayed that another baby would not be born and so at least 10 out of 12 children were unwanted and she was a cold and cruel mother which made us as unloved and just a burden to her.
So even though we must live in the present - the past is forever hanging over our heads.
As such then I suggest you try not to ask mother about the "w" word and instead try to dig deeper and find out what is behind that your mother is so ashamed of, or so afraid of.
She said that you are "minimizing her experience" then in that case there must be a bigger picture (a maximum experience) which she is hiding from you.
Just my opinion based on my perspective and I wish you well.
Also note, she has used as the corner stone of her entire life that she is calm, cool, collected and never engaged in anything aggressive ever in her life and holds herself in an almost absolved manner that it is everyone else that did it, and if there was a reaction on her part it was because of the other person.....and that it was all me being a wild and angry teenager, so this goes against the very grain of what she wants to uphold herself as. In her own mind evidentially, because frankly no one else gives a sh*t about her personal portrayal as much as she does.
No, I'm sorry, the mother issues I agree are very touchy, but your not responsible for what she said, years ago.
What I would do is just say, Mom, you did do this to me, but I am over it now. (unless your really not) just say, it hurt me that you felt that way, but I'm not a whore, and I never was. Claim your knowledge of yourself and who you are and stand up for yourself, then tell her, I'm sorry that you feel that way about me, but that's not who I am and I never will be and that's it, end it. No more no less.
You take back control of who you are, your not asking for anything and you have basically stuck up for yourself. I know your mom is probably hurting right now, and maybe she feels that way, because she feels guilty, I mean what mothers calls their daughter a whore? She is playing the martyr crap, don't let her get away with it, and at the same time don't beat her over the head with it either, really not necessary.
You can feel bad, just like your mom does, and keep repeating the pattern, or you can claim a different outcome, the choice is yours. You have more power than you think.
Hugs.
There is a reason why the night before thanksgiving is one of the biggest drinking nights of the year. It is unfortunate that so many people have these difficult situations to confront, whether it be the alcoholic cousin, the inappropriate uncle, the repentant mother, or the black sheep sibling whom no one acknowledges. There is no place like home for the holidays.
Your comment that she has built her persona on the belief that she is calm and cool is an unfortunate one. If she believes this to be the core of her being, then the chances that she will alter this view (without significant self-reflection and help from people outside the situtions) and accept her past mistreatments and irrational moments are approximately the same as getting a parent to say that his/her first-born infant is ugly or as convincing my dog that the mailman is not an evil person hell-bent on breaking into my house each afternoon. I, for example, paint a picture of myself as an excellent listener, speaker and writer. How well do I listen in the 10 minutes after someone tells me that I am a poor communicator (even though it's true in a lot of cases)? You can imagine...
The gaslighting ("no, I never said that. You must be crazy."), the keeping score and trying to get even, and the unwillingness to acknowledge your feelings about the past, are all unfortunate behaviors. Hopefully she will figure out herself someday, which may reduce some of the tension in your interactions. Regardless, I hope you can continue to maintain your healthy perspective, acknowledge that what she says is independent of what has happened or may happen, and not let the crazies in your life derail you.
I hope that you're going someplace fun on the trip at least...
My mother is the same way- never taking ownership in anything important. Revisionist history and all that fun stuff... NOT.
My favorite is the "prayer" bit. That's the cherry on the cake.
No, you don't have to console her or pick up the pieces. She's a big girl.
Good luck on the trip...
Mom emailed me an apology- Check
Feel like I got my mojo back-Check
Let it all go for my own sanity- Check
Carrying on with my own life- Check
Thank you all for your insight and comments, I swear this site is a saving grace when you are feeling like you are losing your marbles!! It saved me from engaging in my knee jerk reaction to try and "fix it" all and engage more with pressing issues.....so I am glad I was able to vent it out and just get it out of my system and then get really great feedback that made sooooo much sense!!
Like everything in life, this moment passed....just happily it passed with a lot less fall out then it has historically!
@Deli....I knew we were sisters.....it was something in the way you wrote, I just knew it was kindred!!