Its hard, difficult and painful.

I have been co-dependent most of my life.
I am slowly coming to realise that it has been me all along, not them. ME.

This has come to light by me finding my old diaries from my first Husband - I listed reasons for us not to be together - he makes me feel like I am tagging along, he makes me feel like I am stupid, he makes me feel unwanted ( he made me sleep in the spare room when I was pregnant as I was repulsive to him) he makes me feel so lonely. Why am I stronger when I am alone.it goes on.

Although I do feel that maybe it was down to a bad combination also as with my second Husband I was happy and strong and I had lots of support and encouragement from him and still do. I had made a decision to not choose a man in the same way I had before - love, lust and laughs. but to make a sensible and practical choice. And be strong and assert my needs. This worked well for me. But I don't think I loved him, I certainly didn't fancy him after a year or two. and we parted. An artist and an accountant.?!! But I digress.

I now have a therapist.
I am very sad I have wasted so much of my life feeling like this. Mostly fear in some form.
Fear of not being loved, fear of being abandoned, fear of not being interesting enough or funny enough or sexy enough. Fear is crippling and it has crippled me.

I want it no more.
And I have started to try and help myself.

I already feel better.
i am taking more care of myself and I have detached from him somewhat and no longer question, why the hell does he do things to hurt me all the time?!
I no longer fear upsetting him.

I have my wobbles but I am holding firm.

I can see the solution starts and ends with me.
I am the only one who can help me with this.

I think Im going to be ok.
x