Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I really need some advice other than "it isnt your problem". I know that people say I take on problems of others. I know that people say I need to live my own life. (Yea that is easy to say to someone who isn`t co-depepndant).
Any way---my brother is having some major financial issues Ok This effects me because he has involved my recovering addict mother who has three cracked ribs right now and is in an abusive marriage.
So, I have since moved far away and "moved on" with my life as people told me to do ie: two jobs, a pet, volunteering and a fiance.
Just one problem---I am not going to abandon my family. Who says advice like that?! It isn`t JUST because I`m codependant. It is also because they are my family. Why would I abandon them when I know I can help them?
However, the lies they have told me and the inconsistent information has really freaked me out lately.
My mother is very ill. She can`t remember or keep track of things that other people expect her to. I am relieved that she has been doing WAY better and has been out of the ER and hospital (well...except this last ribs cracking incident) for almost a year now. Trust me, she is WAY better.
But, I am now dealing with my brother lying about stuff that I`m trying to help him with financially. I feel like my brother doesnt trust me. We used to be so close but everytime I talk to my mother or my brother, they are telling me conflicting things about their situation. I feel so hopeless. I never though it would end up this way. I feel so frustrated and angry but mostly sad and confused.
I don`t appreciate them acting like everything is ok and then blatently telling me they are avoiding my calls. Or finding out Surprise there is more horrible-ness to this story that I didn`t tell you about.
Any advice that you have or any situations that are similar. Why do the ones we love the most push us away?
Any way---my brother is having some major financial issues Ok This effects me because he has involved my recovering addict mother who has three cracked ribs right now and is in an abusive marriage.
So, I have since moved far away and "moved on" with my life as people told me to do ie: two jobs, a pet, volunteering and a fiance.
Just one problem---I am not going to abandon my family. Who says advice like that?! It isn`t JUST because I`m codependant. It is also because they are my family. Why would I abandon them when I know I can help them?
However, the lies they have told me and the inconsistent information has really freaked me out lately.
My mother is very ill. She can`t remember or keep track of things that other people expect her to. I am relieved that she has been doing WAY better and has been out of the ER and hospital (well...except this last ribs cracking incident) for almost a year now. Trust me, she is WAY better.
But, I am now dealing with my brother lying about stuff that I`m trying to help him with financially. I feel like my brother doesnt trust me. We used to be so close but everytime I talk to my mother or my brother, they are telling me conflicting things about their situation. I feel so hopeless. I never though it would end up this way. I feel so frustrated and angry but mostly sad and confused.
I don`t appreciate them acting like everything is ok and then blatently telling me they are avoiding my calls. Or finding out Surprise there is more horrible-ness to this story that I didn`t tell you about.
Any advice that you have or any situations that are similar. Why do the ones we love the most push us away?
I am NOT saying yours are narcissists!! Only you can figure out if anything they do fits that pattern.
I would start by expecting that nothing is ever fine. Perhaps leaving messages that if they did not answer because they are avoiding, you are ready to ______ (fill in blank with what feels appropriate to you). Not as threat but as information about what they can expect in the way of support.
Then take small situations and see if there is some part of codependency in you that you can heal. Lessons we can learn can come from any situation. If nothing else, you can heal within yourself.
Good luck
I like the idea of having a boundary or a plan to let them know im going to------ if they don`t answer. It`s healthy because it`s letting them know that I`m not going to just take it. I`m going to acknowledge the problem and do something about it. I like that. It`s like standing up to them.
I also like the idea of small steps. I will try to see what I can possibly heal.
Thanks BrightSide987
I'd be more about suggesting texting, "I need to bring some calm to this situation. I can't take the conflicting reports of what's going on while I'm living far away. I need a break from all of this." Then I'd block them for a month and go No Contact, just to see how I feel.
My opinion is that you need to detox from this three way relationship.
Fill your heart with love and watch the fear in their eyes. You go to hug them and they push you away. You tell them you love them and they try and hurt you. They are scared. Why would anyone possibly love me? Why would anyone want to help me? Under what condition do they love me? Under what conditions do they want to help me? These things make no sense in some people's eyes. They are simply concepts that do not fit into their perceptions of reality.
Keep filling the heart with love. Tap into the infinite source of happiness and love. Explode into eight billion sources of light.
As long as there is light then the darkness will have to disappear.
Keep filling the heart with love. One day they will look at you and see. They will see love. Pure unconditional love.
Keep filling the heart with love! Never give up faith!
Just keep filling the heart with love! You will no longer have to find the answer. You will be the answer.
I see it as great that you want to maintain a relationship with your family - and I see that as the healthiest way to a full recovery.
What you need it called "Detachment" or perhaps more accurately it is emotional detachment.
Link = https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/09/08/emotional-boundaries-the-kind-of-boundary-which-counts-the-most/
We stay in contact so it is not physical detaching.
The trick to detachment is that we do not get angry or upset while dealing with unhealthy people.
As in you know that your Mom and brother will lie to you so by knowing that then there is no more reason to get upset at their lies because you detach from the emotional drama.
We can not stop other people from telling lies, but we can stop our self from being hurt by the lies.
So if they need help with the electric bill (or Hospital bill) and you decide to help then pay the bill directly to the electric company because the electric company does not lie and do not give the money directly to brother or to mother.
Your brother does not trust you - well you do not trust him either - so detach the emotions and understand that there is no trust and proceed like that.
We can not make anyone to trust us or to become trustworthy.
If they do not accept your phone call then you must stop getting upset or hurt (detach the emotions) and accept that their codependency problems are not your problem.
You can fix some financial problems but you can not fix their emotional problems, so you attach to what you can do and detach from what you can not do - and learn the wisdom to know the difference.
Just sharing my opinion based on my own research and experience.
If your like me and will go to any lengths to help (co-dependent) and your happiness depends on them being OK...than I have just accepted their lies (my son and his girlfriend) and I help however I can.
So far I haven't extended all of my funds past my means...so I live a day at a time and help when I can...knowing I'm being lied to and avoided at times. But I either have to accept that and keep doing what I'm doing.
Or let go...shut down...and start avoiding THEM and I'm not willing to do that...because like you said they are family...and I love them. And because I am co-dependent I'm not healthy enough to let go right now...so I accept the lies....pay the bills...and try to live as happily as I can.
Feeling obligation to family is noble, but not to the point where it compromises one's mental health.
I've learned over just the past few years to detach from my family instead of this push/pull drama. Because that's what it is... drama.
DNA does not give someone the right to mess with my head.
I've learned to listen and just say, "good luck with that." And when they do the SAME thing over and over, expecting different results, I just sigh a HUGE sigh of relief and prayer of thanks that I'm not them. Seriously.
I'd dig deep and question what IS "helping" your mother and brother? Is it enabling them to be in the same situation, or is it being a kind person and just saying, "good luck with that" and keeping your hands out of your pockets?