Yesterday I lost one of my friends, actually my oldest friend who I have known my whole life-23 years. She is almost 28. She decided not to be friends with me for the most immature reason. I made sure to speak with her calmly and to not show her any attitude. I tried to be mature and not dramatic and to make sure I didn't hurt her feelings throughout our text conversation. I have started trying to be a better person, becoming more aware of what I say and how I interact with people to free myself of the guilt and remorse I often feel after I say something hurtful. I think when someone is full of rage and emotion they say the worst things. As I've mentioned before in my other posts, I have felt at times that I may be borderline, as there have been times that I have reacted so harshly to being hurt that I have said terrible things and kicked people out of my life....only to crawl back to them with grand and meaningful apologies. As my therapist noted, this back and forth dance is often a characteristic of someone who may be borderline although she hasn't exactly diagnosed me as so...she has merely told me that I am codependent and have obsessive tendencies...to obsess and ruminate over people and emotions for too long.

Yesterday I learned a really valuable lesson and I thought I would share it with all of you. I have been trying to differentiate between my behaviors and those who I surround myself with. After my terrible breakup with my ex I spent a year severely depressed, on xanax, isolating myself. I lost many of my friends, started behaving in that push pull way.....I think in many ways although I may have not been crazy, I drove myself crazy, starting to believe that my narc/sociopathic ex was right...that I was unloveable and crazy and bipolar and just like his ex wife and whatever accusations he told me.....and so I started behaving as such. Demanding attention from people, acting passive aggressively all the time, hating the world, being angry constantly.....having tantrums when I didn't get my way. I completely let myself go....and looking back at the past, where such behaviors happened once in a blue moon, I have been starting to realize that perhaps my recent outlandish behaviors arent who I really am..These behaviors are simply how I have tried to cope with my own pain..by unintentionally hurting those around me and even more so, hurting myself deeply...because with every wrong, negative action, I have made myself believe more and more that my ex was right, that I was a terrible, selfish, self fullfilling person without a conscience. I feel as though in many ways I have been engaging with a self fulfilling prophecy...but I do know one thing, that I have ALWAYS had a conscience, and despite my wrongdoings, I have always immediately become aware of my guilt and sadness and loneliness and unhappiness with my behaviors and the people whose feelings I have hurt in the process.

Other than becoming more aware of my actions, I have tried to become more aware of my friends and the people I surround myself with. I have noticed that many of the people I know are addicts or like to party too much and make bad judgments or find satisfaction in mistreating others. This particular friend of mine......Well, I have always had my suspicions about her. We have had a few arguments here and there but they were never so severe that I was forced to sever her from my life completely. However, she was and may still well be an addict. She was addicted to meth when she was in high school, went to rehab, has slept with nearly everyone I know and often multiple people in the same day, she has done things like cheating on her boyfriend with both his cousin and his best friend, she has backstabbed her other friends and has lost every good friend she has had in her life, she is ridiculously spoiled by her family and only demands the highest quality things and will throw severe tantrums if her mom doesn't spoil her with designer bags and such, she is constantly envious of people and talks badly about them, she has done things like kicking her brothers family out of her house when their heating didnt work and they had two small freezing children, in order to party and sleep with a guy in her empty parents house. She does drugs almost every time we go out, she talks rudely to her parents all of the time, she thinks everyone is hideous and that she is the most gorgeous person in the world, she feels no remorse and blames everyone for all of her problems, and she talks to me and to others with disgust, no respect and with the highest of attitude. The one thing I always noticed about her in relation to me is her frustration with me...always trying to change me, always giving me unwanted advice, always calling me names and trying to dictate to me how I should live my life. I NEVER give unwarranted advice, unless it is an emergency and I am truly concerned for someone. She always would get mad at me, as though she was my mother and disapproved of my behavior. She would tell me things like...no one else has the balls to tell you this so I'm going to tell you. Again, unwarranted advice. Often when I notice other friends giving me advice, they give it to me and then continue to love me and dont expect me to change. She DEMANDED that I change and gave me ultimatums, saying things like (most recently) how she wont be my friend anymore. I never ever asked her to change, I never gave her advice that she didnt ask for...because I knew that I accepted her for who she was, that she was a family friend that I had known for a while, and that talking out of place could put a rift in our relationship.
Anyway, we got in a small argument the other day. We were supposed to go to dinner. She wanted to go to this bar because she knew the owner of the bar and most likely wanted to sleep with him. I have gone to this bar with her before and did not enjoy it. I asked her a few simple questions- It was a bit empty last time we went...whats it like on Thursdays? And how she knew the owner. Instead of answering me in a polite way she lashed out at me saying Jesus Christ answer the question yes or no? We dont have to talk about this for a fucking hour. You make everything so fucking complicated.
I chose not to argue with her and said, ok I'll go with you.
Thursday rolled around. She mentioned she didnt want to stay out and party and that she had to wake up early the next day. So I said ok, so are we still going to the bar? And she said, we dont have to go, I already went on a date with the owner yesterday.
So I said great, I have shit to do, so do you, so lets keep it casual and just have dinner.
And because she didn't like that suggestion she FREAKED OUT on me. She completely went into an analysis of who I was. she told me I am immature, that I am too difficult to make plans with, that all of her friends are better and easier to talk to than me, that I have no friends and that all of her friends hate me and talk shit about me. All of this analysis, all of these hurtful words just because I said that we should just have dinner and keep it casual. I had things to do, I have other responsibilities and I know that when I drink with her we get carried away. All of her hurtful words just because she didn't get to have her way. LIKE A CHILD throwing a tantrum!!!!! I read my therapist the texts she sent me and my therapist even noted how ridiculous her behavior was.
I was truly hurt by the things she told me, specifically how none of her friends liked me, which had nothing to do with her conversation. Instead of being argumentative I decided to talk to her calmly and tell her that she has upset me. She was like...Ok! Lets talk about this over dinner and go out and have some fun! And I again, calmly said, I apologize but I think it may be better if we dont see each other tonight. I want to reassess our conversation and take some time for myself. I would appreciate some space tonight. I will text you tomorrow and we can figure out when we are both available to spend time together again.
She followed this text my telling me, "Call me when you're ready to be an adult". And she repeated this phrase multiple times and then said goodbye.
I contacted her yesterday and she told me she no longer wanted to be my friend. All over an argument that she started, that she dramatized and an argument that she used to hurt my feelings over for absolutely no reason. All because I offered to simply have dinner.
I was stunned and shocked. She continued texting me after already telling me she didn't want anything to do with me and again, text after text after text of abusive, hateful comments telling me how all of her friends are better than me, that she is an ADULT and that I am not and if I want to spend time with adults I have to "behave like one". That I complicate everything, that I am immature and that she doesnt want to see me anymore except if our families happen to run into each other (which rarely happens anymore). I was in shock. Couldn't believe how she reacted over absolutely nothing. And I am someone who often gets hurt and isnt quick to come back to people and say hi to them the following day but I did, because I figured the mature thing to do was to FORGIVE her and recognize how long we have been friends and that a tiny argument wouldnt cause a rift in our friendship. I have been a dedicated and loyal friend to her for a long time. Many of her friends have backstabbed her, lied to her, stolen money from her....but our tiny argument is what made her abusively call me names, text me hundreds of angry texts and throw me out of her life.
I sat back in my chair and said goodbye to her. And then she KEPT texting me again and again and again and would not stop. FInally I realized that I didn't deserve her behavior AT ALL. I did NOTHING wrong...absolutely nothing and didnt deserve to be called names, to feel bad about myself and to be told that I need to change from someone who didnt have the place to tell me so.
Finally I decided that I would tell her how I felt for one last time and that I would hammer the nail into the coffin and never see her again.
I told her that I may be immature as you say...but I will grow out of my immaturity one day. But you will always, ALWAYS be a bitch. You are a drug addict, you are a cheater, you are a slut and you are a spoiled, selfish self seeking, hateful human being. That is why you are almost 30 and unmarried, unwanted, single and have lost every good person in your life. I am blocking your number. Never contact me again.

I dont even feel bad about what I told her. I think she deserved to know how awful of a human being she is. I am upset still about the way that she treated me, and she did send me another fifty texts after which went to my blocked numbers file on my phone and I didnt even look at them. Normally in my obsessive state I would have...but I didnt.
I think that this is a turned page. I think this is a new me. I think she was always a toxic person in my life and I am glad to have absolved myself of her. There is a saying that I believe goes...if there are snakes in your neighbors yard, you cant expect them not to bite you. She was a SNAKE, who bit all of her friends, all of her relatives, all of the men she dated, and finally me. Well I bit back this time, and I'm glad she's gone. Who would have thought that I was living right next to a psychopath for my entire life?