Hi mm.

You are painting that method very negatively, but as I understand the process correctly then when we enter a relationship that we can break-it-off at anytime then THAT is a healthy boundary which most people fail to do.

When we get into a relationship expecting it to last a lifetime and that we must stay together then we are creating a scenario which is thereby doomed to fail.

For myself the very best medicine that I ever got was to get into a new relationship and start the process all over again, and I plan to do that again ASAP.

The Doc recommends it and your groups supports it then maybe you might give them the benefit that they might know a few things that you do not know.

For myself I do not like CODA groups for a similar reason in that when I object to things said then they do not give me the opportunity to openly discuss it - no cross talk - and I can never accept that.

Just my opinion here, as we all must make our decisions for our self.

I totally believe that people can take these things and twist them into abuse. IN any at risk group there will be people intent on using the fragile for their own selfish purposes.

Good on you recognizing abuse for its reality and not going along with it. Those who keep silent about abuse are nearly as bad as first line abusers.

Thanks for sharing this.

So, this guy, in order to break free of certain codep behaviors suggested getting into a relationship for the specific purpose of breaking up with said person???

Sounds like a hack to me. What are his qualifications?

I'd out him to the French Psychological Association, or whatever group there is.

That's just rubbish.

Jumping into a new relationship ASAP after a breakup is called rebounding. It is just a way to avoid dealing with the difficult feelings from losing a relationship and not facing our own part in causing the destruction of the relationship. We are doomed to repeat behaviors that caused us to choose poorly, or damaged a positive relationship.
It is only good for those who wish to stay in denial.

In addition it is using another person under false pretense. That is lying. We harm ourselves as much as the other this way,

Maybe the French DAA is to blame instead??? Citing sources out of context and for a different purpose sounds irresponsible...

This man is an expert on substance abuse, NOT codependency. He also has a pretty stellar reputation.

Maybe there's a French Better Business Bureau type place to report them???

I don't blame you for opting out of something you don't believe in.

Whenever I meet any new person whether they are male or female, whether they are high rank or low class, then I always proceed with the understanding that I can breakup that relationship whenever I want to or whenever I choose, and that means that I can protect myself and that I have my own personal boundary ready and waiting and as such that makes me free to be friends with anyone and with everyone because that boundary keeps me safe from ever being entrapped.

I honestly say that the OP is confusing the healthy boundaries with being abusive.

I see it as seriously misdirected to presume that Dr Terence Gorski is suggesting to abuse anyone or emotional abuse, and I am shocked that the OP went to the police.

The advice is telling the group how to enter a relationship with a personal boundary from the start.

And a "relationship" does NOT have to mean sex or love or romance as there are business relationships, and family relationships, and we even have relationships with our enemies.

I am NOT trying to be critical or contrary here, as I just believe the OP has misunderstood the teaching, and so it needs to be discussed and thought through.

IMO.

DAA (iFrench CODA movement where I live) included The conference directed to Alcoholics......not codependants, given by Dr Gorski as part of their DAA approved literature. The problem is that many, including ME for a long time believed that Dr Gorski was directing the suggestion of his, to get into short term relationshiops for the sole reason being to terminate them towards codependents as his conference including the seggestion is now DAA approved literature. I wrote the founder of DAA, Doctor Natalie Campeau a long ways back asking her about how such a suggestion contributes to overcoming codependancy. SHE was the one who told me that Dr Gorski's specialty was in alcohol abuse. Thus it was a nonCODA event and concequently had no right to be made DAA approved literature based on Tradition 6. The above suggestion of Doctor Gorski's which, admittedly was not intended for codependants, became such for codependants as a result of DAA rendering Dr Gorski's conference as approved DAA literature which included the suggestion above as directed towards alcoholics. I don't know about some people, but it is not my goal to be used as somebody else's therapeutic object to advance their recovery at the expense of MY recovery which they intend to do without my consent. And how many people, alcoholics, codependants or others would consent to being involved in a relationship so that the other person can terminate it? I asked Dr Natalie Campeau if she would consent to being in a relationship knowing that she being dumped was the ultimate goal of the relationship on the part of the other person. Her response implied a strong ."NO" and her professional knowledge of Dr Gorski's specialty being alcohol abuse....not codependancy was born out by Dr Gorski's website and pages associated with his site. DAA's decision to accept the conference of Dr Gorski's conference was a flawed one. And nobody in DAA wants to correct it. So as of May I hope to be totally gone from there. There are other organisations that can help me in a healthier environment. Dr Gorski DOES have a steller carreer.....but not where codependancy is concerned. Codependancy is not his specialty. Prevention of relapsing into alcohol and drug abuse is his key specialty.

Booky- of course, people can break up with another at any time... before marriage. But to SPECIFICALLY enter into a relationship with the INTENT to break up- WITHOUT the other's knowledge certainly sounds like a crappy idea. I don't know if it's abusive per se, but not very nice...

It is abusive to the person being dumped in such a misleading relationship, especially if the person dumped is emotionally fragile to start off with.

The intention is just our self protection - our own boundary.

As the saying goes = Do not put the cart before the horse.

No one knows how any new relationship is going to work out, so when we go into the relationship as being just temporary THEN we are free to judge the relationship and decide whether we want to stay in it or break up?

If two people decide to get MARRIED then they are making an agreement to never break up, but any other relationship does not have that same intention.

And again the relationship does NOT have to mean sex or lovers, as like go to a CoDA meeting and decide to just be friends with any other person at the meeting with the understanding that it is just temporary friends as you will break up the friendship as soon as it gets uncomfortable.

That is not being DUMPED.

If we start such a relationship with the intent to break up BUT then we find that we like the other person then DO NOT break up, and if that works then that is wonderful.

More times then not every relationship will not last very long because most relationships are not compatible.

We make our friends and family and neighbors and coworkers as too much INTENSE when we expect the relationship to work out just fine because most people really just do not get along and we just tolerate or put up with other people.

The idea is just promoting a perspective - a healthy perspective.

Even with things like sex there are many people who have sex with the intent of NOT having any long term relationship with the other person and that is NOT being an abuser.

And we do not even need to lie, as we can tell the other person that it is just a short term temporary arrangement and see what they say?

Codependency is a mental thing, so we must change the way we think and change the way we look at other people.

Just my opinion, but I say you might try it before condemning it.

The idea of jumping into a longterm Relationship with say.....that sexy person one meets at a bar is not at all Wise, especially as the other person may be seeking a sexual adventure only. But in the case of the Gorski suggestion there is no implied consent needed. So I can start a short term Relationship with a woman WITHOUT telling her that it is a short term Relationship with the express purpose of dumping her and if she agrees, albeit to a LONGTERM Relationship then all is well.So we have a couple newly formed of one person who is in a longterm Relationship and the other in a short term Relationship. The other did not consent to be in a short term Relationship and was not given the chance to say "NO" to the other person who only wanted a short term Relationship for the express reason being to dump the other person who was tricked into believing he/she had enterred into a longterm Relationship. And then the person in a presummed longterm Relationship is dumped and can't figure out why. Like DUHHHHHHH..... There is a build ujp period where two people go out together "taking things slow" to see if they would be compatible for a longterm Relationship. That is completely differrent. Both persons were given the chance to consent to be in a Relationship of the same kind with each other. Not the same thing as Gorski suggested at all. Gorski allowed for the deciet by default of not being there to explain what he meant, assumming he meant something differrent.

I was raised by a mix or deeply codependent and narcissistic people. You want to talk about wading through mire to find your way to independence and personal strength? lol But I will absolutely say that, in some instances, it's 100 percent abuse. I was given the silent treatment by my parent, sometimes for weeks on end. I was bullied relentlessly and put down just as often. But I overcame and went on to understand the controlling nature and the roots of it, I think. Even blogged about it, if you care to see my personal story. http://jenniferdelucy.blogspot.com/2015/04/need-vs-want-and-strength-to-know.html Anyway, it really came to a head after dating a narcissist and seeing the extreme there. And my own tendency to want to care for him and lose myself. Scary stuff. Codependence.

Hi again mm101.

I say that you are just determined to view the process in a negative way and THAT is the real problem.

I see that as projection in that you are projecting your own feelings onto the suggested treatment, and onto the Doctor.

Link projection here = http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/coping/projection.htm

I do not see it as negative even as hard as you keep trying to make it so.

There is no reason why you can not just make friends with some other person at the CoDA (or DAA) meeting with the understanding that you will break up the friendship as soon as you feel inclined to do so.

If the friendship (that relationship) works out well then just save the break up for later and later and later ...

When we only see negativity then just try to project some positivity into the perspective.

I do NOT believe that Dr Gorski was being a promoter of emotional or psychological abuse.

And really it is not so much whatever he says but just whatever you believe, and if you are so determined that is negative then just do not do it.

Food for thought.

I intend not to Brooky. It is more me being a victim of somebody else doing such to me. I did not join the fraternity to be somebody else's therapeutic object. And like Keekwas I too was raised in a home by a very narcissistic mother who wanted me to behave like a woman. So I empathise with keekwas and am happy for her found freedom. I'm convinced that my Mom just might have an undiagnosed personality disorder so I can forgive and forget pretty much. But reconciliation is out. I am contemplating ending my implication in the group as being responsible for the literature. formally. Selling the literature above among another bit of DAA approovved literature constitutes fraud since the Gorski comment within the WHOLE of his conference does not meet the requirements of the 12 Traditions to warrant being considerred as approved literature by DAA. So I have to quit my implication to avoid aiding and abetting this abuse suggested above. The Traditions are suppossed to be rules for maintaining harmony in the group. They have been diluted substantially.
I'm at the point that I like Dr Gorski's CENAPS model better then the 12 steps and traditions at the present moment despite my view of his comment that was not at all warranted. I will agree to disagree on Booky's viewpoint. I'm sure he shares lots that I'd agree with wholeheartedly.. It will be hard to pull away from CODA/DAA though. But I'm not without ressources for dealing with my codependancy which is much better now.

I think the danger is that when you take one theory and apply it to another, incongruous, situation, you get all kinds of misinterpretations and perversions of the original intent.