Sounds like you are trying to move on and not let the past weigh you down anymore. Good for you.

Hi there: I think it's time to talk to our sister and explain that you don't want to talk at all about your ex. If she can't respect that, then you'll have to stop seeing her. Explain it to anyone else that starts talking to you about your ex. You have a life without your ex. You are not your ex and you have a new life.

Some people also thrive on gossip and want to see what you say or do and will carry that on to many others and it gets hashed all around where you live. You stop that by refusing to listen to talk about your ex--it also prevents you from saying negative things about him.

I say you need to take the offensive and stop your defenses, as in go ahead and accept the blame and be proud of it.

Guilt is a normal human feelings, and all feelings have positive and negative applications, and you are taking on the negative instead of embracing the positive side.

Accepting guilt and accepting blame is the same as accepting responsibility, see link below:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/blame

So anyone says that you made his life unhappy - then say you will do that again to him or with anyone who acts like he does.

You gave the depressed alcoholic a chance and then you put an end to that nonsense - so be proud of what you did and yes take full blame and accept the guilt, and it is your ex who needs to grow up.

Show it to your sister that you are a strong woman as an example to her and to him and to all - as she might be surprised and impressed that you are the one making the boundary.

Feeling rightful guilt is a blessed thing to feel, because it reminds us never to do that same thing ever again.

Remember that you do not need to explain yourself to anyone. It means you have given over your control and you open your life to them to make comments, to start judgment and just be an ass.

That's why I suggest you just tell them you don't want to hear anything about him (and you leave it at that). It means you leave no gossip to pass around and you deflate their purposes. It also stops arguments too.

If people push, I then respond that I didn't put the subject up for discussion and I turn the conversation to something else. It really clearly states that I mean it that I'm not discussing it so move on. People then get what I mean.

wow great responses. i love accepting the guilt and booky never thought of it like that. yes i will treat anyone else that acts like he did the same and leave them. suppost to spend the day with sister tom and dreading it. she is thinking about gettin back with her ex and maybe she wants me to conform and go back with him as then i am in the same boat with her. a sinking boat that i want no part of. may cancel tom for my own mental heath. she drives me nuts anyway as all she talks about is herself and her weight and what she is going to do. she is a very confused and self absorbed person that binge drinks every weekend with a bunch that does the same. they love talking about the stubid things that they did drunk the night before and i find it just weird. guess i was part of that whole thing years ago and now it seems to say the least not fun anymore

ok guys i did what was best for me and sent my sister a message that i cant go tom. feel relieved just know that i would feel stressed all day and going to do something more positive for me. it was a visit to my aunt who is crazy and it also reminds me of the dysfunction of my family roots. so will try to go see her with sister so i can do what i need to do for my aunt without added stress of her crazy crap. today was her birthday and she is on a roll about herself. so when i called my aunt to tell her that we were coming tom, guess what she said- well how is becky (sister) i said ok i guess have my own things going on and it pissed me off. she is old and forgetful but still that was hurtful to me. nort crushed by it but added to my stress of the entire situation. hide out tom or do something fun with someone that is not so narcistic.

Hi there "AsTimeGoesBy"

I say you are making a codependent mistake when you say to anyone (the sister) not to talk about anything (the ex) in order to get respect or so that you do not have to listen to it or so it will not upset your self.

That is trying to control your own feelings by controlling the other person (the sister) and that is not the way of recovery.

In a healthy world then any person has the right to say whatever they want to say, and it is not our place to shut them up or to silence them by trying to control the speech of the other person.

When a person keeps saying things that are offensive or hurtful or belligerent then that is who they are, and trying to shut them up is simply trying to hide their feelings or worse trying to suppress their feelings in order to sooth your own feelings - which equals a codependent dysfunction.

What you are suggesting is to be defensive as a way of controlling the offender - and that is not a correct or healthy boundary.

We need to be able to talk to the person (to any person) without letting our own feelings or emotions getting violated or getting out of our own control, because controlling our self is the true healthy boundary.

If the words make you feel anger then get angry in a healthy and productive kind of anger, and if done right then it will shut up the other person by teaching them a proper lesson which they need.

Telling her or anyone that they can not talk about any subject or about any person is creating an unhealthy wall, which feels like a healthy boundary when it is not, because it is just creating a wall to defend your feelings.

I am only saying this because I feel it is a very important distinction for codependency, and it is nothing personal.

understand what you are saying bookie and it is true. but for me i am protecting myself with some well needed boundaires. i have let my sister treat me badly and manipulate me for years and just choose not to do this anymore. i did not want to have to tell her that she could not talk about it as it would have set up the day with an unhealthy start. i choose to cancel the day and i am enjoying being at home alone with my dog and just staying out of the cold. it is my own issue that causes me grief to discuss ex yes but also it is my choice to protect my code personaltiy from what makes me fall into a state of mind that i cant handle. this has been a pattern with this sister to do this about my ex. she cant stand him and does not want to be around him and then when i have taken steps to end the relationship all of a sudden she is telling me how bad he looks that she feels sorry for him. dont want to play this game with her anymore

AsTimeGoesBy said:

"Remember that you do not need to explain yourself to anyone. It means you have given over your control and you open your life to them to make comments, to start judgment and just be an ass. "

That is SO true. The minute we start to make excuses for how we feel, we are destined to continue making excuses - and put ourselves in a position of handing our power over to the person we are making excuses to.

I have found that saying "NO" - and letting that just sit there - or "I don't want to" - or "I will not do that" - is all I need to say. "I have other plans" works well too. No explanations are required.

Booky, I also had a man come up to me and my Mom years ago and start talking. He began using the "F" word in speaking and I told him "I don't want to hear it, and respect my Mom that is here." He stopped and apologized. If he wants to talk to me, he talks to me on terms that I accept, not whatever he feels like vomiting up in speech..

You're way off and you set boundaries and respect yourself and when people want to talk to you and start with gossip which is like vomit, you don't listen to it and send it away. You also don't talk gossip back.

Your opinion is yours and I'm allowed mine without being attacked for it.

I agree with you, Astime. It is not so much a wall as it is a boundary. You are welcome to talk about whatever you want, but I will not listen to talk about my ex. That is a boundary. They are still free to talk to anyone else about my ex, but not to me. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself from someone else's pain. We know it's there, but we don't need to have our noses rubbed in it or be made to feel bad about "causing" it. This is especially true when just newly out of a codependent relationship. It's hard to heal when having any kind of contact with that person, and we are more likely to relapse if we hear too much sad talk about that person. Have to limit our interactions with the people we were codependent with in order to heal. In time we can re-establish contact from a much healthier place.

"AsTimeGoesBy"

It is not attacking to tell that a comment is wrong.

We are here to discuss codependency, and you need not take it personally.

This is what troubles me at 12 step meetings in that some person will say things totally wrong and no one is allowed to tell the person that they are wrong.

I went to the Meadows treatment facility in Arizona way back around 1992 as I was a guest and not an inmate, and when the group had people say their feelings or thoughts then every person was asked to give a reply or whatever as no one gets to say a thing without it being corrected or challenged or even praised, because we need to be told when we are right or wrong.

You saying some stranger on the street talking the "F" word is hugely different from shutting out a brother or sister from your own family just because you can not control your own emotional responses.

Sassybabe11 - you say you cancelled the day with your sister = "to protect my code personaltiy from what makes me fall into a state of mind that i cant handle" = so that means you are putting up an emotional wall which shuts out your sister and it is not a healthy boundary even if it feels like one to you.

What you really need to do is to explain it with your sister, and work out the boundary together so that both you and she understands and both agree to it and then you will not need to hide away from her.

And this is just my perspective and my opinion, and it is not some law giving.

Booky: It is wrong and rude to tell someone they are wrong. Respond to the original poster and not me. I'm not interested in you. Bug off.

booky that is good advice and honest but some people cant handle our honest feeling and my sister is one of them. not attacking you. i also have been in meetings that i thought that someone there needed to at least entertain the thought they might have not done the best thing and no one says a word. thats what i like about this site. some are very honest with me and show me that maybe my thinking was not the best and i appreciate that and have gained insight from this. maybe face to face it is harder as you see a person who is hurting and dont want to add to their pain, but still best to present another way to approach the situation with another. i recently told my sister concerning her relations with her daughter and the way she was responding was not working and to try another approach. it helped her to be able to try to accept that she was not making things better but maybe worse by trying to place her beliefs on her daughter.i dont want someone to tell all the time that i am right on. appreciate another perspective as it broadens my perspective

I just do not believe that it matters what ever your sister does, or what ever she can not accept or what she can not deal with, because you are not to fix her or to stop her as you simply must deal with whatever she is.

Treating the codependency means treating our self, and not to control other people.

I find that this is why the Bible represents one of the best of Higher Powers, because the Bible says things like to "love thy enemy" and that gives us our personal boundary.

If any family member (like a sibling or sister or another DS member posting) is irritating and troubling then they are the enemy. As in your sister is troubling you then she is a type of enemy.

An enemy does not need to be a Country at war or have assault rifles because most often our enemies are in our own family and our neighbors can be our enemy.

When the Bible and Jesus tells the boundary to "love thy enemy" Matthew 5:43-48, then when thy sister is thy enemy then the Bible as a Higher Power is saying to love and to be loving to thy sister even though thy sister is being a troubling pain to you.

The difference is between a functional relationship or a dysfunctional one.

As a functional relationship does not have to be happy or loving as it just needs to function, as in function by having real communications and visiting and talking about problems and thereby functioning.

I have siblings (both brothers and sisters) who have remained stubbornly separated for 20 - 30 and 40 years just to avoid their codependent dysfunctions, so they are not functioning and not dysfunctioning as they have no contact and no talking and thereby no real relationship, and it is that kind of petty codependent sickness that destroys the entire family relationship.

First people have to function (not dysfunction) with other people, and then later they can work on a healthier relationship, and then if very fortunate onto a loving relationship, but always the first step is simply to function without the dysfunction.

To love thy enemy means it does not matter what ever your sister does because she is the enemy, and the true boundary is what you your self does or does not do with your enemy.

It is up to us to do the recovery and for us to do the right and we can only hope and pray for our loved ones to join us, and so it only matters if we our self can handle it as we reach out to the others.

That is the way that I have learned this, and yet my own family of origin is still mostly dysfunctional.