I'm glad you are seeing the forest for the trees. You are doing a great job of detaching! It's funny how differently we can see things when we take a step back. Just sit back and watch the dysfunction unfold. I did that the last year of marriage when I knew I would be leaving soon. Some people can be really rediculous, and it's now kind of enjoyable just watching it all happen while not being a part of it.

Keep taking care of you!

yes cheryt, so true i had a realization tonigh driving home from work that i have for years tried to please these people so they would accept and love. even picked a partner that i thought would concrete my place in the family. it is so clear now. what i have done to myself and now i must focus on getting better and knowing that i am not part of that family. never will be and all my efforts to control and get what i wanted did not work and never will. i have to stop gossiping about them and get distance and focus on fixing me. its never to late. have surrounded myself with alcoholics that are depressed and have no way out of there situations. but i do i am smart, well educated, and want to change. want the resentment and anger and irritation and frustation to stop. i want to be who i want to be and who i am. a good and kind person. my resentment has turned me into someone that i dont like and my reactions to others are knee jerks that make me look like an uncaring and overwhelmed person ( we are what we think we are). now i need to address the unfulling petty and sad relationship that i am in also. it is not fair to me or him. he undermines me more than i like to even think about. i know that he does but have put it on the back burner and igorned this. he has chimmed in with my family members, repeated things that i am have said in confidence, and framed me as an uncaring and self centered person, all the while acting like he cares about me and is there for me. this is exactly what my family has done also. he is a depressed, unhealthy alcoholic that is resentful and passive/aggressive. no wonder i am depressed and anxious. my life seems like someone elses that i dont know or like. God grant me the serenity to accept that things that i cant change, the courage to change the things that i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. thanks for any comments and advice as i start this new journey again as my sick sister has passed.

Best thing for you to do now is not have contact with these family members for a while. Until you can approach them differently. That's what I had to do with my STBX. So glad I did, because now that I see his true colors coming out over this divorce, I am much better able to deal with it as a rational person, whereas the old me may have gone running back because I was scared of being broke, or would have accepted the pittance he wanted to give me, just to be rid of him. Now I'm standing up for myself and demanding what is rightfully mine. And I make no apologies for it. I'm a much stronger person now. Guess it's true what they say: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

Good luck in your detaching. The other relationship you're in will work itself out in due time. Work on continuing to detach from your family of origin first, then you'll have the strength to deal with the other. You are a very strong person.