The thing to do is to make your own decision based on your own perception and that is it.

It does not truly matter how other people feel about it because this is about your self and your own feelings.

You your-self must decide if you are expecting too much or not.
Then you need to determine for your self if you are tolerating to much or not.

That is how we own our own feelings by making our own decisions based on our own perception - or on your own and not based on mine or anybody else.

The way to stop is by making the decision and telling your self to stop and then stop it.

And if you enjoy doing it then keep it up.

Last night, I was reading when something clicked. I realized that part of my problem is in my belief that loving people simply didn't love me or care enough about me - outside of what I could offer them (support, caretaking,etc) - and that's why I felt less than adequate an as though my own self-worth was dependent on what I could do for them and how I could take care of them. The question that resulted was "who said they were loving to begin with"? Addicts and those who have compulsive behaviors that interfere with their relationships usually aren't happy with themselves - they're not fully capable of love. It's them - I'm not defective and unlovable and I've let myself believe otherwise.

Some people simply aren't capable of showing love to others and people like this can't take care of you - they can't take care of themselves. If they could, they wouldn't need to depend on you to do it for them.

It was nice to finally see some light and this very concept makes detaching from codependency so much easier.

I'm reading "Codependent No More" and the 12 steps for Codependents - they're great books.

Hi hun
I do the same thing as you, and I know there are so many others out there that go through this same thing. If you have low self esteem, then you don't expect to have anything other than a difficult time in a relationship, and you're always giving and the other person doesn't give back what you would like to have. But if you don't think you deserve it, then it's just my opinion, you might look, subconsciously for the person who will hurt you the most. Well, that's what I've done...I also think it's down to a daughter's relationship with their father. The men who have treated me so badly have been very much like my Dad. And then it's constantly replaying a relationship in childhood that wasn't as it should have been....
Just thoughts. Sending a hug.
Cathy x

I am too reading Codependent No More and came across something that explained what my pattern is. See if you answer yes to the following:

Do you do something you don't really want to do?

Do you say yes when you really mean no?

Do you do something for someone although they are capable of doing it for themselves?

Do you meet people's needs without being asked or before you've agreed to do so?

Do you do more than your fair share of work after your help is requested?

Do you consistantly give more than you receive?

Do you try to "fix" people's feelings?

Do you do people's thinking for them?

Do you speak for another person?

Do you suffer people's consequences for them?

Do you try to solve people's problems?

Do you put more interest and activity into a joint effort than the other person?

Do you not ask for what you want, need, or desire?

If you have answered yes to any of these things, you are "helping" for the wrong reasons. This is codependent behavior. I will make you fall into what is called the Karpman Darma Triangle.

First you rescue/caretake, then your actions go unappriciated so you get angry. This anger makes the "helped" retaliate and then you play the "victim". This is a cycle.
The best way to overcome this is to try to notice when you are "caretaking/rescuing" and to stop. If you haven't read this book, please do so. It has been very helpful and has really opened my eyes as to why I behave this way and actions I can take to stop. I wish you luck!

I agree with Booky and would like to add that if your friends are saying that it's probably true.It's just the dysfunction in relationships that messes up our feelings,then we become confused.Iv'e learned to look at the obvious,reality,whats right in front of me and go from that.It really is there when we look,and we really are capable of judging ourselves.If you think your expectations are reasonable,then I'm sure they are.It is not that we don't know right from wrong,or what we believe.It is in compromising those beliefs,and needs for the sake of others,and in believing the lie that we are less capable than someone else of making decisions for ourselves that makes us dysfunctional.Take care-Jen

Hey Magenta...I also read Codependent No More 20 years ago and it changed my life and helped me stay sober....I knew I was giving out more than I had and would become drained and I had alot of resentment towards my husband too. Do a search for Passive Aggressive Behavior and see if you're boyfriend fits the mold. They seek our type out because of our codepent behavior and we seek them out because they "need" us ( but end up gaming and playing us). It is a very sick dance and if I could save anyone the years of confusion, pain, resentment, accepting/excusing his behavior, it would be awesome. I am in process of leaving him and I am scared. We play a sick part in this dance too...my new little tool is if I walk into the kitchen, for example, and he's banging pots around (always acting out anger, never expressing it directly) I simply tell myself to take care of my need (get a cup of coffee, a bowl of cereal, whatever) and then I don't "bite the bait". I tell myself it's none of your business what he's thinking. The "bait" has esculated but I'm still not biting. My mantra "Me, Me, Me, Me....and then, more of Me, Me and then....Me! Good luck...ciao

Thank you all for your great support and feedback. I don't think is he passive agressive, but he fits every symptom of "narcissistic personality disorder". Last night he called me to "thank me" for admiring his body... haa haaa haaa.. I'm starting to just laugh at his ridiculous behavior. The "cold turkey" withdrawl hasn't worked for me, so I'm trying just to keep putting more distance and time between us. I have been reading the "Co-dependent No More" book. It is awesome!

Keep reading the book and living it. I couldn't do cold turkey either but distance did allow me to gather strength and faith in myself to enforce the no contact rule. The healing really began then!

You do what is best for you.

Stop giving to people who do not give back and start giving to yourself. Whenever you feel like giving to someone don't, and instead do something nice for yourself.

You are wrong to expect anything from anyone. You are not doing anything nice if you always expect reciprocity. If you do something nice for someone and expect reciprocity than you are being manipulative.

I have learned it is better to take first and than give--at least as much as possible. But if you give first do not expect anything at all. So if you about it like that, you may stop giving so much.

That's all I've got.

Hey Jennifer, love your avatar....

Yup...the Narcisists loooooovvvveee us. Who better to stroke their ego and never get a compliment back....Us, that's who (not).