Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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whatcanisay 05/23/2015

Here's the pattern- I love my boyfriend very deeply, I try to express that, because it is a strong emotion the expression is also strong. He reciprocates in a less intense but still loving way, I overthink the difference in intensity, I feel I have to reprove my point in order to inspire the same level of intensity in him. He tries to get space, the space makes me panic, I manipulate for the return I want but I also panic because I know this is not genuine but a situation I have manufactured. I loathe myself, he feels suffocated and drained. Lather, rinse, repeat. How do I comfortably respect his boundaries? It's all I want to do but I just can't get the hang of it :(

jbuck 05/24/2015

I am familiar with this. It is very difficult. When you or he truly gets sick of the cycle, one of you will end it..I would recommend reading books on attachment types, the anxious avoidant trap, and getting involved coda meetings.

Consider Intensity vs. Intimacy.

Consider the idea of drama-driven relationships.

I hope the best for you, you can make improvements on you.

whatcanisay 05/24/2015

thanks jbuck, i'm going to my first coda meeting in a few hours, i will go to the library and check out what books they have on the subject too. i appreciate your advice :)

Holborn98 05/24/2015

I understand this feeling as well, from both sides actually. As JBuck said, what you describe sounds a lot like ambivalent/anxious attachment. I'm not a counselor, however, I just play one on the Internet.

This website has some interesting summary information.
http://www.psychalive.org/category/attachment-style/

Above all, it's important to recognize and to accept that we can't make anyone love us. We can, on the other hand, make someone hate us. If your boyfriend says that he loves you, then chances are pretty-high that he loves you. If you're not sneaking around trying to meet someone else, chances are that he probably isn't either. When you feel panicky, try to remind yourself of the things that make you great. Maybe make a list of the things about you that make him lucky to have you. Then, read and re-read the list.

Oh, and consider changing your photo on here. You are not inadequate... getting rid of reminders and triggers that cause you to feel that you are inadequate is often a helpful step.

whatcanisay 05/24/2015

thanks for the link, checking it out presently. but the avatar stays, i like it, it makes me chuckle :)

Holborn98 05/25/2015

Fair enough... I will use it as a lesson: just because I want you to recognise that you are not inadequate does not mean that I should control what you post on your profile while seeking advice related to codependency :)

good luck to you

CoDaChrome 05/25/2015

I read the avatar as 'Adequate' not 'Inadequate'.....

As far as your post, in my opinion it's all about self esteem and building that in order to not be in this cycle... So work on that and the cycle will cease :)

Self Esteem is the name of the game in life..... Wish I had more myself!

Holborn98 05/25/2015

Ack! As usual, CoDaChrome is right. I had mis-read it as "inadequate."

I still would prefer something that said "hooray, i'm wonderful" though ;)

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