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my relationship with my partner when having major conflict/ disagreement goes like this :
disagreement / conflict -
1) he gets angry emotionally projects and can start shouting and talk about the same issue for ages .
2)il listen speak up my point until I can’t anymore and cut the phone off avoid communication and cut calls .
3)he emotionally over reacts to this will bombard with phone calls , becomes more angry and raises his voice ends up down my house .
4) After getting ignored he will then chase me and apologise the following day and it’s the same cycle . He thinks he can actually control my behaviour and calls me hanging up setting a boundary ‘silent treatment ‘ .
im not saying I’m perfect I can shut down communication wise but I’m not aggressive . how am I supposed to communicate when someone becomes verbally aggressive my only response is hang up and shut down .
Last time I stayed on the line out of obligation and fear instead of setting a boundary I could feel my anger brewing because he wouldn’t stop with the accusations .
I know now I only have control over my behaviour ... but this is causing a rift it’s the same cycle . Any advice / feedback would be appreciated !
I hope you do not object to me pontificating here but I love to answer that kind of relationship question and dilemma.
What I say is that you are misapplying the concept of boundaries, and in this world there are lots of people who get the boundaries wrong, and yet doing the boundaries correctly is the most important part of building relationships and of making our self as strong.
Here below is a link to an article that tells it best - IMO
= https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/boundaries-walls-and-denial/
To ignore him is not really a boundary - yes you can choose to ignore him or ignore whatever - but that is a wall and not a boundary.
The "silent treatment" is not really a boundary - it is a wall - and I say the silent treatment is cruel and unkind and in many cases it is a horrible thing to do to a person - and maybe call it as a punishment but do you really want to be a punisher? My family of origin does the silent treatment for years and years and I have come to see that as the most hateful thing that they do to me.
I find that with any aggression including verbal aggression that we simply must tell the other person that they are hurting us, that we feel their aggression, and make it known to them as they do it. When we talk out the words then our words have huge power effects onto those we speak to.
In my younger days when I was a real jerk and a fool and abusive then no one ever spoke to me specifically telling me that what I was saying was hurtful and that I was hurting them - so I found out too late after the severe damage was already done.
An aggressive person very often does not know that they are being aggressive, just like abusers often do not comprehend that they are abusing.
To hang up and shut down is just not a true boundary - instead remain calm and do not argue and speak decisively because that kind of boundary on our self has power which is felt fast by the other person.
Him making accusations means that he feels vulnerable, and it is almost always wrong and unhelpful to deny anything unless it is a matter of our character being accused.
If he calls you a liar then that is the one big unacceptable offense - and that is the one reason to break up or to tell him off.
It seems that being called dishonest or untrue or lying is the only true accusation because otherwise you say "no" I did not do that, or yes I did do that, because to not believe our loving partner is the ultimate insult of all.
If he accuses you of screwing around and you say "no" and he does not believe you - then that relationship is broken and finished.
*How* you guys are communicating is key. Look into using "I statements". And while it's not easy, it helps to try to see things from the other person's point-of-view. Doing both of these things during a conflict can significantly deescalate the situation.
For example, you can say something like,
"I feel hurt when you yell at me, so I shut down. I understand that you feel disrespected when I hang up the phone during an argument, so I will work on my communication skills".