Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Why do I seek others approval? I am not talking about complete strangers. I mean family and friends. Why do I feel the need to consider whether or not my choices will be "approved" by others? I often find myself considering what others may say if I choose this or that, as if I don't have confidence in my decision making process.
Please! Advice, books, personal stories...all is welcomed.
Thank you
Stef
Please! Advice, books, personal stories...all is welcomed.
Thank you
Stef
I can really relate, and I bet a lot of others here can, too. It's a very good question you're asking, why do you believe you need their approval? But more important than knowing the answer to that question, is simply noticing that you're doing this, and what the effect of it is on you. As you watch this pattern play out, eventually you may find yourself making a different choice.
I do have a book to recommend, I think it's amazing for this issue and many related ones. "I Need Your Love-Is That True?" By Byron Katie.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=i+need+your+love&x=0&y=0
She is a very wise woman and she cuts right to the heart of the matter, I've learned a lot from her. Blessings, and good for you for noticing this and having a desire to change-that's the beginning of recovering from it!
I did that and sometimes slide back into it, when I don't think I can live with their disapproval or disappointment or worse, their potential walking away from me. I did that also because I didn't have my own blessing and approval of the woman/person I was. I did that because I was afraid I couldn't manage my feelings if someone agreed that there was something (anything) "wrong" with me. I did that because I didn't believe any One (higher power, God, the universe) cared enough for me to take care of me all by myself. I did it because I needed to be perfect, and if you like me, and don't disapprove of me, I must be perfect.
I did it most of all, because in my family of origin, getting approval was the equivalent of getting an "A" in school, it meant my life would be better, if my parents approved of my choices. When I disagreed with them, or they disagreed with me, very bad things happened.
LIke someone else said, you have to find out those answers for yourself. But you might find it helpful to attend support groups where this question is asked and answered in one form or another at every meeting. I found my answers within, but it took a lot of years of attending Al-Anon and CoDA meetings to be able to hear those answers and put them to good use.
I did that and sometimes slide back into it, when I don't think I can live with their disapproval or disappointment or worse, their potential walking away from me. I did that also because I didn't have my own blessing and approval of the woman/person I was. I did that because I was afraid I couldn't manage my feelings if someone agreed that there was something (anything) "wrong" with me. I did that because I didn't believe any One (higher power, God, the universe) cared enough for me to take care of me all by myself. I did it because I needed to be perfect, and if you like me, and don't disapprove of me, I must be perfect.
**************
I can relate to alot of what Grace said there. I personally struggle with feeling like there's something "wrong" with me and when my ex said I wasn't normal and should have "gotten help" sooner, it really hurt me, it really cut deeply in the part of me that has that fear that people won't like me if they see me and really know me. I think someone walking away from me is scary too. I don't think I've seen myself as God sees me and I've had kind of a rocky relationship with God that I'm trying to improve. Anyway, all that makes it hard for me to get others disapproval.
I too have caved into my parents' opinion, and have lived a life of mediocrity as a result, settling for less than what I feel I deserve. Love, money, career--I've gone for what is safe and what my parents would approve of. Now, if I get burned, so be it, but I've got to take some chances, because said status quo isn't getting it done, and I'm rather bored with life.
Stef