1. Lay some boundaries with money lending may it be friends, relatives, strangers, family what not..if u ask me take care of self first and take care of others later..
2. Stop worrying about him start worrying about you...
If you didnt notice you yourself in black hole and your trying to help this person who is unable to help himself.
3. I Feel you should let him go because hes your drug.

I stopped worring about him, I just want him to send me some money. There is no way for me to do what I need to do for mysellf with 5 bucks for the month I am work on making changes in myself and trying to learn how to put me first.

I was raised to take care of a man regardless of how he treats you! My mom taught me that everyone elses needs come before your own. And I am know working with my therapist on trying to reprogram my behavior.

My mom is still married to the man that basically raped her, my dad- still together after 44 years. it sounds so easy to put yourself first, but I just don't know how to yret!

I invested a lot in my ex too and guess what i havent got anything bak except court cases. My therapist basically asked me to decide if i want money or if i wanted peace of mind. I went with later therefore i said to myself i donated that money and moved on...
I understand your survival is tough with 5$ but i dont think he will help you... sad but true we help expecting they will help us in return but no we are wrong.

I suggest u taking up a part time job or something to get your needs met.

I wish I could get back to work, but with my MS and using 2 arm crutches it's not happening anytime soon.I'm supposse to be in school, but just gof put back on meds, and just getting to the point where i'm not sleeping 18 hours a day.

I'm going to just try to let things go and ask for my higher power's help1

I agree with the posts on here...take your own power back. chances are he will not help you financially. Let it go and Move forward to tend to your own needs. If you need to talk with your Mother for help, do so...but be sure to pay her back. If she says things you dont want to hear, listen....it's ok to hear that we were "stupid"...I know that I was completely "stupid" and blinded by my own illusions. I have also "helped" those who cannot help themselves...almost to the point where it hurt me financially. I will never see the moey I "loaned"....but my freedom, my sanity and my peace are worth the price.

Cindy, I wish I could talk to my parents, but she's a women married to her rapist and my dad is only nice to everyone else but my mom and his 2 girls.

If I wasn't already having suicdal thoughts, talking to my mom about money will cause me to go through with it!

Lets witch roles. What would you do if your boyfriend would be in similar situation as yours and is in dire need of money?

Yes, I agree with the others. You have to take care of yourself first. I know that is hard for you, I can see that.

Its sounds like he is honestly trying to focus on his issue of sobriety and make changes in his life. He's doing what you have to find a way to do: take care of himself first.

I think a big key here is setting boundaries. Read the sections of Melody Beattie's books that talk about boundaries, how to set them, and how to defend them (after all if you don't defend them, they aren't really boundaries). You can't continue to put you, your health, and your well-being in danger for others.

Keep working with CoDA. If you can get a sponsor through CoDA, do it. When you get into that mode of wanting to contact, wanting to take care of him, wanting to pay his rent before your own, call that sponsor and talk. If you can't do that.. come up here and talk to us!

I wish you the best. I know its hard, but keep at it. You can do it!

Yeah right now! the only reason I don't attempt suicide is because I'm too vain to run into an 18 wheeler head on, my face would be the only thing messed up. .That and I don't want my parents to have to pay for my funeral!!

I am getting out of the depression I'm in. and meet with a therapist weekly and back on meds. Yesterday I was fine today i just paid back rent and they took the money out for the loans I took To keep him from going back to jail.

Now just can't think about this anymore. Thanks for being here!!

Allicat ... Suicide is for extreme codependents...My mom was one of them and it has caused immense pain in my life and still does.

You are so much worth than you know. Your pain, fear and shame brings you to terms of suicide and its easy to suicide and hard to fight. The bad phase will pass. Hang in there.

Try helping those who really need help and your self worth will boost. For example volunteering. When i first started to volunteer i felt so good and so much worth.

I will hopefully get back to School soon Maybe in M ay I will be able to volunteer, until then when i will have money to put in my car I'm home. Heck the only reason I can get online is because some near hasn't secured the wireless network. So at least I can get online otherwise I would be here in an apartment with no Contact with the outside world.and the only reason I have a phone is because I have a magic jack.


the cable is shut off
Internetrnet is off
home phone is off
Car Insurance is late
Health insurance payment is late by 2 months

and technially right now I'm a stealing some bodies Internet

so yeah right now I'm pissed at myself for making sure he stayed out of jail, and I'm pissed that he doesn't want me to stress out while he trying to get sober I pissed that I can't find a sponsor.I'm pissed that the sun's not out today. I'm pissed that the only person that calls to check on me every is a drug addict gang member that got his face cut on a dug buy!

Instead of seeing negativeness and loosing all your energy can you look at some positiveness and use some affirmations to self so you can add and gain more energy.

For example.

I trust in myself.
This time too shall pass.
I am peaceful loving soul.

I have a laundry list of things too i can complain about and what i complain i get back that in abundance and quickly....

Taking one issue at a time and resolving it or breaking it up into bits and resolving should be a target. what you can try and resolve what you cant leave it to higher power.

If you need interaction you can start initiating interaction and without any expectations. Self worth and love doesnt come from others its within you when you identify it you will be a peaceful person.

My Dear please understand that what he is telling you is exactly what he is to do... for him to Recover he is to be "selfish" and heal later in the prosses he may make amends ... no one not even his sponcer or the home can or will help you.. on fact you can get your feelings hurt when they say dont come pr call..... Im doing it too.... almost the same thing.. use your timie and energy one contacting some places like Cathholic charlites Being disabled you also need to contact your local Legal aid to help .... Been in them shoes.... let go go and ask for help ... Find some one worthy of your love.... take the loss as a lesson ... dont do that again.... and yes they become our drug !! Blessed love

Hi Allie,
I really hear your fear and utter lonliness. And I Know More than you realize how difficult it is to take the next steps and make the next calls from where you are right now!! I have been completely destitute now twice in my life(2nd time as we speak- only now I'm in my 40's and it seems to be much harder to find my zest, umph and will to want to either keep going or just to simply be going through this sh@t again!). I too have re-entered therapy(but that's only once a week) and for the first time in my life am seriously considering medication but I had to let my insurance go during the first round of the bottom dropping out 2 years ago so there is not a dime to spare. People keep giving suggestions because that's all they can do. The very few people that are left in my life are all out of state. And I Need(in order not to make me feel worse) to respect that they too have their lives to live. As I've been reading this thread the one thing that stood out for me was the list of calls for help that people are suggesting that you make. Speaking for myself, right now, I know that most days I just wish that someone would either come and hold my hand and/or make all these damn calls for me sometimes. Not always mind you, because when I am in a head space of confidence and strength as I have been so many times in my life the thought doesn't even cross my mind to not take care of business. But when I am hurting or feeling beaten down or exhausted or terrified or weak or rejected or lost and of course physically and mentally depressed I just desire at least one person to show up for me and stand up for me and take some of the burden off.

I see the list of how you have scaled back your expenses. I remember forcing myself to make those calls and doing the same thing. Only to be told good job now on to the next. All I heard was 'that's not enough you must keep going'...And I wanted to scream please just come do this for me-You know I'm capable I'm just not capable right now! Other people telling me about how they lifted their lives from the bowels of hell only made me feel worse and yes brought me to the dark places that you too have spoken about. I maybe get about one to two calls a week to check on me. And yes one of them is my mother who has lived a tough life and of course has had to make some of these calls to Catholic charities and the like back in the '80 and '90's. She wears me out. But I am so fearful that the calls will stop altogether that now I try to force myself to chat about mundane, safe things and yes sometimes even lie about doing some of the things that I've been told to do.

I remember times/years in my life when family and friends were either emotionally or financially hurting. I called, I showed up, I shopped for them, did laundry, babysat their children and was just with them in their pain. I didn't expect reciprocity because quite frankly I never could've predicted that such a need would've ever become my life.

I know this doesn't help you now, but regarding your BF with any luck perhaps one day if he continues down this path of recovery; he will make financial amends to you.

So basically, I just wanted to say that I hear you and I can relate on a lot of different levels. When all of this began for me in late January I was literally counting my days in minutes. I don't have a physical disability but I sure felt like it. I remember charting my progress-good-I'm not crying for 10 mins I'll go wash some coffee cups. I remember in week 3 my car completely dying on the side of the road and realizing I had not one person to call! What the hell had happened to my life! It was at night I was scared to death and had no choice but to rely, pray and trust in the kindness of strangers.

The suggestions you receive here are not bad I'm just saying that I know it's hard! If you can find 5 mins where you feel you might be able to make one call than consider that a productive day. Perhaps calling alanon intergroup. Maybe they can connect you with one person who can help, who's been where you're at who actually might be able to come to You!

@Brokenbee and everyone else the commented I THANK YOU for your posts.

Today is better than yesterday. Yesterday just kept getting worse, I spoke to the college and trying to figure out if I have been withdrawn from my classes so I had a second break down so I called my therapist. I never got a on chance to talk to her because I unplugged the phone since she wasn't in the office yesterday

Then after that his grandmother sent me a message FB, and I reminded her that reason her grandson is not in jail is because of me! She said I should send him a letter to ask for my cell phone that he has. I said to her I have left him a vm, a text and a message on FB so what differnce would a letter make. I told her I sent him my home address so he has no excuses. Maybe he'll answer her call!!!! The thing I change the plan from 250 minutes to 80,minutes per month - he can buy extra minutes if he needs more. I'll be damned if he has my phone and can't even answer my phone. Originlly the phone was because he couldn't make long distance calls from where he lives. The phone is always on when I call, so who the heck is he talking to, because it's not me!

YES I am a hurt, angry women. Was it the big girl thing to? NO!! I am trying to remember to stop, calm down and think before I react! that's not easy though when you pissed.

I'm glad the tears have stopped for today! Thank you all for the suggestions. they are going to really helpful once my mind gets in a better place!