It might sound old fashion but there was many good reasons for having a year engagement. It sounds like you know yourself though your not ready. If he truly wants to marry you then he will understand that you want him to have all of not just bits and pieces.

Boy I know how you feel. I was very very codependent for most of my life and still have lingering codependency issues.

I had to learn about boundaries and safe behaviors. I still have to remind myself of these things all the time but it sure has helped alot to be exposed now to what is safe and where my boundaries are and where someone else's begin.

My therapist helped me alot and I read a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and bought the Boundaries workbook and did it along with reading the book. It's okay to say no. There is a difference between harming and hurting someone. It isn't harmful to ask someone to go live with someone else..it may hurt their feelings but it doesn't physically harm them. When I learned that and then applied it I found great relief.

Good luck to you with all this and take care.

Thank you so much raspberries and merrymay. I appreciate your input. I will keep my boundaries and stay strong.

God bless !!

This is good advice. To put his wishes above your own is total codependent behavior, which it sounds like you recognize, so you are doing the right thing. I don't know if there is anything anyone can say or do to not make you "feel bad" about saying no, but that doesn't mean you have to act on those feelings. Just sit with them awhile, and you will see that it's not the end of the world and he will manage, and maybe be better for it in the long run.

Stay with your instints...don't let him move in. I see all sorts of red flags going up with this one. Anyway, it's tough - he's struggling and you love him and want to help him, but best you can do is offer space in your garage for some boxes...offer to help move him to his moms, help decorate, help him look for a place. If you don't want him living with you, stick to your no. It's your house, you are NOT married, he's not your child, and if his mother is willing to take care of him again, let her. :) Sorry, i don't mean to be a b*tch about the subject, but I don't see any good coming out of others being pressured into something this big, expecially when they hit up us 'codep' ppl knowing our mission in life is to 'save the day'...It's frustrating.
I do understand how you feel...on many levels. My mom asked to move in with me a few years back (for health reasons), but this was after I was a year or so into recovery, anyway, she took me out of her will because I said no. I said NO, I would help her get in hospice, but she couldn't move in with me, I have no room, I had two young kids living at home, and many marital problems and my health problems. She was so pissed, she took me out of her will. Which, I'm fine with because I didn't know she even had one. What was crappy what the blatant telling me of this 4 days after I told her no. So, maybe my irritability on the matter is personal, but don't feel guilty. He's a big boy. You've been in a situation that didn't work, if nothing else, learn from your past, don't repeat it.
HUGS my friend.

Hi,

I agree with the others. It is hard to say no, especially when you love someone and want them happy, but not at the expense of your own peace of mind and happiness. It is not an emergency and he does have other places to go.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself!

Hugs,

Shar

Stick with your intuition...... I didn't listen to mine and Iended up in a few messes. I was always a people pleaser and VERY man dependant. Not fun. Only, now am I paying attention to what my heart tells me...so I hope you do the same, my friend.

Best wishes for you today!