Yes, I feel that way, too.

It is difficult for me.

I become exhausted from trying to make small talk with superficial people.

but what if they are not superficial friends- real friends but u are afraid to be yourself? what do others do about this?

When I was divorcing my husband and he was acting so crazy, I had the protective order against him because he threatened me in front of the police. I had to keep all friends and family away because I knew if my husband saw any cars at my place he would use contacts to find out who they belonged to and then be harassing those people, calling them at work, accusing them of having affairs with me and just being crazy.

After all, he had called my lower level boss and asked him if he was having an affair with me. I was shocked when that boss called me into his office and told me. I was so lucky that boss didn't fire me and I was lucky my husband hadn't called my upper level boss because I would have lost my job--that boss didn't tolerate anything.

I couldn't let anyone be close to me. After the divorce, the protective order still stood and I ended up moving across the country because I didn't want to be anywhere near my ex. It felt better to be far away and not have to worry about him riding by my place. It felt good that people could stop by. It just felt good.

so lets start a good conversation about the feeling that isolate us from others but the need to be close to others. I really think this could be a good topic with a lot of good ideas on how to deal with it. I was sorta relieved that others feel this confusing feeling. what causes it? why does it happen? is it a common feeling to want companionship and at the same time fear it and be glad when the visit is over. sorry to say but I have to make myself get together with others and glad that I still care enough to try but hate the disappointment and confusion that follow when I know that we all need others but see it as a thing to tolerate and hope for the best

Sassy, I too have experienced something like this. I have learned that trying to be okay with either experience helps. Loneliness helps me find something deeper within myself and when I bear it until I feel like it's going to kill me, something peaceful comes out of it. When I spend time with people, I find that superficial discussions exhaust me too and I try my best to steer well clear of them if I can... in terms of real friends, you simply have to take risks. You have to say things that are in your heart and risk being rejected and be ready to intensely feel the pain of rejection. So for me, just getting in touch with the feelings and letting them pass seems to help for me.

I confess that I have that same issue, that I want to mingle with people in my area and yet then I will find it uncomfortable and some times nerve wrecking.

I do not really like drinking but like on Saturday nights I will go out to the local Bar just to mingle with the people there, and a few beers makes me far more friendly or more outgoing than I am as sober.

But I like the small talk, and I find that most other people like the small talk about superficial things, as like the weather which gets talked to death.

I find that many if not most other people have their own fears and discomforts so they like the small superficial talking too, so I like it, especially since I just want to mingle then mingling does not need to be any deep discussion.

Unless I am trying to flirt with a Lady - then I try to leave the deeper or more meaningful topics up to the other people, and let them start the deeper discussions because then I can be confident that they are up to the job of talking, as many people are not.

Of course my very best social skill is that I ask questions, as like yesterday I was with a group of family and friends (mostly Ladies) and they were interested in a woman holding a very small baby, so I turned around and waited for my opening and I actually asked the woman how old was the baby? 6 weeks, and was it a boy or girl? a girl, and I turned back the the group that I was with and they were quite surprised at me for actually speaking up to the woman and getting such answers.

So my recommendation for socializing is this = Yes do the small talk, and talk about the weather over and over again, and ask appropriate questions of other people to break the ice, and wait for the other person to go into a deep discussion.

Sassy,
I feel this way quite often. I attribute it to my state of being at this point in my life. While I am trying to learn more about myself, and sift through my past, I find it difficult to have meaningful connections because I can't have a relationship with anyone else if I can't have one with myself.
I believe its good to be by yourself sometimes, maybe its your subconscious telling you to pay attention to yourself and your needs right now. I just don't want to get stuck in a rut where I go into complete isolation. However, I believe our mind and bodies will let us know when we are ready to venture out again.

I'm kind of like that too. My best friend will call me to make plans to go out on a Saturday night, and it sounds exciting at the time. But then Saturday comes and I kind of dread going out. Occasionally she'll call and cancel, and I'm so relieved, but then by the middle of the next week I'm sorry that we didn't go. Although the times we have gone out have occasionally been really fun, a lot of the time it's just sitting at a bar watching a band, and most of the people around me are a lot older than me, and there are always a bunch of drunken loser men hitting on anything in a skirt. That is such a turn-off to me that I'm sure a project a "get lost" attitude all over my face, so they pretty much leave me alone. Part of the problem is that my friend is 10 years older than me, so she feels like she kind of fits in with the crowd, but to me they seem so much older than me, and I have nothing in common with them. But since I'm not there to pick anyone up, just socialize and have some fun, I don't really mind going so much. I'm still trying to re-learn how to be single. Been married most of my adult life, so this is all new to me. I see ulterior motives in every single man I see out. Guess that's my issue!

I can also relate and this is an interesting topic.

Sometimes I really have to drag myself out to these social things, sometimes I walk away having had a good time and a bit of a laugh, other times I walk away thinking that at least I can tick that off the list and at least I made the effort and that is about it.

I think it also has a bit to do with the friends. If it is a smaller group and I am comfortable and I really like the people I am with then it is all good and I relax and can just be myself. If I don't know the other people all that well or don't relate so much to them then I find it harder to relax and open up and am not so comfortable, which makes sense to me- if I really enjoy the company of the other people then I don't concentrate so much on what I am saying, I get wrapped up in the conversation or am too busy laughing to think too much about me. Those are the good times.

And I really do love to laugh so if I go to something where I don't know many people but end up mingling with a couple of people who are outgoing and love to crack jokes then I laugh a lot and have a good time. And I do laugh a lot with my closest friends too.

I think that growing up in dysfunction can lead to us being pretty uncomfortable with intimacy. Our experience has been mostly with warped or unhealthy intimacy (like enmeshment and drama) rather than healthy intimacy. That has been my experience anyway. If we don't want those things in our friendships any more then we can be in a lost place for a while because we don't actually know any different.

I have some friends that I do really connect with- I enjoy the time I spend with them, catching up with them is easy, we laugh and the conversation flows and we just enjoy spending time and catching up. I have another friend, a relatively new friend, that I catch up with that I don't really connect with, the conversation is more superficial, it is different but sometimes that has its place too- it is harder work in comparison to the other friendships, we just don't have that connection or much in common so I don't have that same excitement or motivation to catch up with her more often.

These are my thoughts and experiences anyway... it has been great to hear of other people's thoughts and ideas, thanks for the conversation :)

We need to go out and observe how others m as ke d mall talk..
Remember one phrase used by someone whom you respect. Excuse yourself and write it down in a notebook. Then study these at home.

One thing that destroys our ability to ever fix this us to use alcohol to "lossen up". Drinking to be able to talk to others traps us in a vicious relationship with a highly addictive substance. The next time we have trouble it is too easy to blame the alcohol instead of finding and taking responsibility for healing ourselves more and more.

We need to figure out small steps that still sre scary and take tiny risksat a time. Perhaps by being with just one or two friends and take that small risk. Go home and access and adjust.
This is essentially what children do to learn social skills.
Since we were busy taking care of the adults around us, we never had such opportunities when society would excuse our mistakes because we were too young to understand.