I am not real popular on this forum so i do
Not say much anymore. I feel redundent.
I have posted lots of good reading and so
Has salina.

I believe in recovery for us. If you found
Yourself an addict that probably means
You probably come from it yourself. We
need recovery too for our issues.

I am a big believer in alanon. It was suggested
When my ex finally started AA that i attend
Alanon. My marriage did not improve but
i Slowly did. My ex had been dry for over 30
years. We still had an alcoholic marriage.

Alanon is about us and for us. We learn how
To self focus and how to grow emotionally
and Spiritually and how to help ourselves
make Better decisions for ourselves and
For Our lives, Hugs and Welcome to the
Group.

I once read an interview of a famous football player who called alcoholism, a disease of selfishness or narcissism, because that is what he felt he was in the midst of his disease and drinking. Somehow you have to find a healthy way to have self love and find your voice. I do relate to what you wrote. I was angry because my ex was all about himself and I always came last. Years later, I realized I always came last because I never put myself first. Putting myself first and learning to love and like myself first meant I would never have accepted crumbs from someone who was incapable of loving me as I deserve. I thought they should do blank for me, when the truth as I figured it out was I should be doing blank for me. I no longer wait for others to do for me, I do for myself now. Have slip ups of course where I go back into the old pattern of "if he loved me he would do ___" and remind myself, "if I loved me, I would do ___ for me." The way to fix all of this is to get help, Al Anon also helped me and counseling and reading a lot of self help books. Fixing the alcoholic doesn't fix what we suffer from inside our own heads and hearts.

Thanks urbangardener, Cassie and Miranda for your input. I have started going to Al Anon meetings and reading self help books and am amazed how much better I feel about myself just knowing that I am not alone in this journey on figuring out how to love myself and make myself happy instead of expecting him to make me happy. I know it's not easy because this is the way I have lived for a long time always looking for someone or something to make me happy instead of making myself happy. Not sure where that distorted way of thinking came from. Thanks again for all the reassuring words of wisdom!

I like to put a lot of this on the wounded inner
Child, adult child or codependent child. To me
Its all the same stuff. I have mild c-ptsd too i
Have a feeling Many of us do that have come
from abuse, addiction, crazy and Dysfunction
in their upbringing. Every child will react differently
To their home enviroment And Trauma is stored
in the tissue.

It takes a lot of hard inner work to Retrain and
To reparent that child. We did not get like This
overnight. Its learned behaviors, actions, thoughts,
Feelings and emotions and with us still running
from ego as a way of coping.

To become whole it does help to become an
emotionally And spiritually mature adult. Thats
not as easy As it sounds. That takes peeling the
layers off that need to Be looked at, faced and
healed. There is a lot of grieving in recovery
Work too.

I have been in alanon since 2012 and i am still
Hard at it. I now go to ACOA also, adult child that
is A Little different spin. Its more the inner child
Work from Dysfunction and/or alcoholic home.
They look closer at the family and us.

Many people do like dr henry cloud's book
"Boundaries" and also he has the book "safe
people" as Cassie mentioned. I have done a
Lot of that work in alanon so i have not read
Them myself. All of this stuff takes time. Use
"I" statements. I feel, i want, i need, don't use
"you" Statements. Thats giving your power
away. Like You make me, you caused me.

It took me two long years in alanon before
I stopped being a doormat, HUGS