If you can afford groceries, kick him out.

If you can't afford groceries, get on food stamps and kick him out.

He's a controlling, abusive leech.

Kick him out.

He says I'm controlling but I really feel he is twisting things around on me but I also keep asking myself if I am. I ask him why he is up all night and doesn't come to bed anymore and things like that and we end up fighting because he gets defensive right away. Last night he told me he is going to see his friend today. I told him ok I will go see my friend (because I know he is saying that because we are arguing) and then I asked him what time are you going to your friends and he said "after you leave" Then I told him why do you have to go after I leave you are the one who had plans. He told me he isnt going to his friends he is taking his daughter and her boyfriend out to eat and he was going to ask me to go with him. When I asked him why he does this to me he says "You did it to me" (about not coming to bed) He used to go to work at 3am and he is angry at that time I didn't go to bed at 8pm with him. I usually go to sleep at 11pm not 8. So he is saying thats why he isn't coming to be (he now gets home at 11:30pm and isn't coming to be til 3 or 3:30 or sometimes later. I always feel he is messing with my head. I dont feel happy.

Oh things he says makes me keep questioning myself. He said "Quit acting like a bitch! " and so later I called him and Bitch and he acted like he was going to hit me. He had grabbed my phone and was trying to get on it but i put a passcode now so he couldn't. I was asking him to give me my phone back.

I'm wondering exactly what you are getting out of this relationship?

Your interaction with your significant other sounds a lot like the one I was in for a year and a half. Everything always got turned around to be my fault. I was "in love" with him or so I thought. I ended up feeling suicidal and realized I needed to get out before it was too late. I walked away - went no contact and that was 4 months ago. I still think about him every day and what I thought I had with him.
But I am so much happier now than I was and have started to climb out of the pit I was in.

You are in a very toxic relationship. It sounds like your self-esteem is zero.

Do whatever you have to do to get out of this situation. Believe me, it will not get better. He will not change. He has all the control and you deserve better than this!

Read whatever you can get your hands on about toxic relationships and codependency. It will help pull you through, as will venting on DS with those of us who really understand.

Praying for you!

Thanks DeliAnnem and hopeless! I know I need to get out and I've known for a long long time. What do I get out of it? Mainly I get hurt and he blames me. I don't care who is at fault anymore I just know I"m not happy with any of it. I can afford grocery's and I pay all the bills already. I just want to be loved but this, it isn't love. I don't think you can love and not trust. I know my vision is clouded. There are a lot of other problems too. I don't feel I can discuss anything I'm feeling with him because he will threaten my security in the relationship by being distant, silent, walking out, and blaming me. What is good about it? I have let him come back after leaving several times against my better judgement. When he isn't with me he loves me so much. But after he is back a while it all goes to shit. I feel too that him seeing what I said to my friend by snooping has put a dent in anything we did have for both of us.

I agree with those who are encouraging you to educate yourself about this sort of control & abuse, & also suggesting you leave.

In the meantime, because maybe you are not ready to leave, start putting locks on everything. Set your phone so that you need a pin to open & see anything on it. Same with your computer. Choose passwords he won't be able to easily figure out. You have a right to privacy, you have to take it. I know it can be difficult, & he may be upset if he tries snooping & finds you've locked your phone, but YOU turn it around on him...don't answer "why have you locked your phone/computer/etc" Instead ask him what makes him think he has the right to access your personal things...there is NO acceptable answer, so no matter what he says, what he calls you, how he tries to turn it around, don't you fall for it. Don't get upset back, don't be reactionary, just hold your ground on this one issue & maybe it will help give you courage to start doing it in other ways too,.

Whatever he will say (the blames) are not important. Just kick him out of your house ASAP.

Damn,kick his ass to the curb if it's your house! Look up the term "gaslighting" which is a new term I came across to describe when someone is trying to make you think you're the one that has all the problems! I have been living with someone like this for the past 10 years,so I know what you're talking about! She blames the majority of problems on me like I'm retarded and don't know how to do anything! I ask myself the question every day as to why I put up with it,and I'm not exactly sure of why! My first guess is because that is how my mother treated me,so it's what I'm used to,as far as any type of relationship with women!

The funny part now is that whereas the apartment used to be in my gf's name,I ended up getting Section 8,so now it's in my name,so she'll have to be the one to hit the bricks! The issue now,of course,is that she has been out of work for almost 4 years and is still waiting on disability,so I can't exactly kick her out,seeing as I'm such a nice guy! (Damnit!) In your case it sounds like you're paying mostly everything,anways,so it wouldn't be any great loss to kick him out of the house! The thought of being alone isn't very pleasant,I know,but at some point you have to bite the bullet and just do it,seeing as he won't leave when he has such a cushy place to live!

For me I decided that I would rather be alone and happy than in a relationship just for the sake of being in one and absolutely miserable! Obviously I didn't do very well with that resolution considering I have been with this gf for 10 years now! "You live what you know!" is what comes to mind for me! It's like a person who keeps getting into physically abusive relationships because it's what their used to! I used to ask the question "Why would they stay?" until I really thought about it,and the light bulb came on! People who don't understand codependency don't really get it,either,because it doesn't make a lot of sense!

In any case,the thing to do is tell him to leave,slam the door behind him,and never look back! Of course he's going to pull every trick in the book to make you feel guilty,feel sorry for him,and just plain suck up to you to change your mind! DON'T DO IT! You definitely deserve a lot better treatment than this,as do we all! I'm sure the members of this group would agree (hopefully) that he is obviously using you only for what he can get from you! I'm having to make the choice myself right now,so you're not alone in your situation! Stay strong!

He clearly needs help! Perhaps he became paranoid after his marriage. Anyways, you're better off without him.

If he doesn't come home until 11:30, I can see why he doesn't go to bed until 3- my mother was a nurse and did the 2nd shift. You need to wind down.

That being said... this man is ABUSIVE. You need to start posting in the physical and emotional abuse forum.

You need to go to the local women's shelter and ask for advice to keep you safe. Then, you need a plan to get him OUT of your life.

He's intimidating you and making you afraid in your own home.

He needs to be GONE, but there's a right and wrong way to do that, and I don't know what that is in your situation since it's YOUR house.

Hugs.

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement! I know this is not good for me and on days like today (silent treatment because he said he thinks im busy in a text) I realize the bad times are bad and the good times are very temporary so what am I getting out of this? I feel so numb lately and I found ive lost interest in doing anything. I have been off work for two days and have done nothing i would normally do. Im depressed and then when he does these things to me my self esteem is depleted. I am letting him control and manipulate me and if I try to talk to him he just turns it around on me. Its really crazy. He ruins my day with one short sentence. Thank you for your encouragement. I am working on making a plan.

Have you tried any support groups. Like alanon
Or coda. I love alanon it has given me back, it takes
Awhile to get there though. I have a D& A therapist and
Go to divorce care. The three together helped me.

DV Support is also a great option if you think there
Will be trouble. It can be a dangerous time.

My xah left to have a better relationship with his GF.
I had been going to alanon for awhile and this doormat
Came off the floor. Its a lot of hard work so is being in
A toxic 30 year marriage.

(((( hugs)))))

I am so sorry you are going thru this. Been there, done that. Let someone move into my house and he gave almost all of his money to his adult daughter. Talk about being treated as an afterthought. Do look up the "gaslighting". It will help you understand the mind games he is playing. The bottom line is you are miserable......alone is so much better. My exit line was " I don't care if you are right......I don't care if I am wrong.....I JUST WANT OUT!!! I wrote an app for the I phone called "Co-dependent Crazy" . It costs $4.99 and may help you. I would recommend Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" Remember, when you allow him to verbally abuse you......YOU are treating yourself like a second class citizen. Co-dependent Crazy

Wow. Similar situation a few years ago. These people tell you that your self centered, its all about you, and do twist things around to keep you confused and controlled. borderline personality disorder or "gas lighting" these folks are so self centered that if anything is about another person they see it as a invasion of their time and space. My situation was similar with owing a house and letting him move in and he did contribute some but was a nice and easy cheap escape from his financial disaster. When he got a settlement he payed off some bills for me ( in my paid off house for a few years) and wow has never let that go that he paid stuff off for me. I have had to let some friends and family members go due to these personality traits. Hope this helps and you can get out of this unhealthy relationship.