What is EFT

One thing to do can be done by yourself. It is brain training and works pretty easy. Almost too easy to believe but it really works.

When you notice that something happened, just notice it.
Do NOT judge at all.
Think of alternate ways that YOU would prefer to react.
After a time of noticing, you will start to notice sooner and sooner.
Eventually, you will start to notice that you choose before you act.

The way this works is that the brain builds nervous pathways to what we think about. Judging ourselves builds up the negative pathways that leave access only after the event. These were developed as children when we were judged by others and changed to codependent behaviors in an attempt to find acceptance.
Just noticing without judgment allows the brain to slowly build up positive nervous pathways with access to alternate choices.
Once those positive paths grow larger than the negative, you have access to other choices. You will start to notice yourself calmly and assertively standing up for yourself without angst or fear.

Hi MM73

If we judge according to the treatment of codependency, and they do apply here, then I would say that you are being passive aggressive, and you let people walk over you as a way of controlling the people and thereby to control the relationship.

It is that controlling which is no longer working for you.

And I mean that as a helpful observation based on my understanding and not trying to be critical.

I happen to like being passive-aggression but only when it is purposely used as a productive tool, but not when it is used as a dysfunction.

You title this as having "no back bone" and I suspect that the exact opposite is true - that you are using lots of back bone.

The impression that I get from your comment is that you want to take your passive aggression and turn it into being openly hostile (aggressive) as people often refer to that as having back bone.

You are implying that you want to stop avoiding conflicts which means you want to start being openly aggressive in those conflicts.

I see it as that you have long been holding back the aggression, and so you want now to finally release that penned up aggression.

My suggestion is that you need to work on the happy middle ground, where we all have to learn our boundaries, in that you can participate in any conflict but do it without exploding or over reacting.

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/personalshared.html

You say that you do not want to deal with the drama, and I always see that as a cop-out, because the drama is our life, just as I have my own drama in my family and friends and in everyone, and you have your own drama in your life because drama is a big part of living.

Untreated codependency is described as turning into a condition of "not living" and not living means hiding away from the assorted conflicts and problems and the drama of every day living.

Without actively participating then the person makes their self as irrelevant, and irrelevant means not living.

As such I say that you need to dive into the drama, and let the other people run away from it while you take your own stand, and accept the drama as a part of your life, because the drama is where the excitement and the fun and the living goes on.

This is just sharing my opinion, based on my experience, and trying to give help.

One thing to remember is that these behaviors are generally learned behavior from childhood events of being denied, minimized, ignored, and responsible for the emotions of the adults around you.

While it is difficult work to learn how to stand up for yourself, it can be done. Just stop blaming yourself and realize these learned behaviors can be replaced with other behaviors that one can focus on learning so you can function in a more healthy way and have relationships that are rewarding and fulfilling.

Just take it one day at a time. You can learn to function with appropriate assertiveness so you stop allowing people to walk all over you.

I remove myself from someone who has lost control of their emotions.
I may look like I'm listening when someone trys to get in my face. lol. I simply dismise them. I'm going to do what I want when I want.
I won't tolerate crap. no I won't be suck into dis core.
I'm over age of 21. n my parents taught me will.

I pick my battles. I will stand up for myself or my point of view if I think there is a chance of changing someone's point of view, or if I feel very strongly about the subject. Otherwise I let it go. Life it too short to spend it arguing with someone who refuses to see anyone else's point of view.

I am the same as you in this respect.

I go to Al-Anon 12 Step meetings.

I recently started seeing a lady psychologist.

I was just watching videos on youtube regarding codependency.

I wish you well, mysteryman!!!!!!!

I don't know about a psychologist but I have had tremendous success with a therapist. He is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) that I have been seeing for two years. The results are amazing to me. Two years ago I couldn't even stand up for myself in something as simple as what I would like to watch on television. I always gave in and just went with what he wanted...it so much easier than arguing right? Notice I said easier, not better. But through therapy I've gotten strong enough to finally say, "your not treating me right, you are manipulative and controlling, and unless we go to counseling I'm done, I want out, and I'm leaving." Can you imagine the conflict that brought up? But I stuck to my guns...we are seeing a marriage counselor twice a month. The whole thing left me absolutely astonished at the growth and change that has taken place in me. I strongly recommend counseling to anyone like me...which it sounds like you are. I hope this helps...I'll say a prayer that you find some way to grow and transition out of this...if not counseling, then something else. My heart goes out to you because I can so relate to feeling like you can't stand up for yourself, hating that you are that way, but feeling helpless about how to change it. Hugs, Sarah.

Thanks eveyone

agree that letting other walk all over us can be a way to control others. it prevents them from doing or saying things that we don't want to happen. or it could be lack of self esteem or boundaires also. I was timid and scared of speaking my mind cause I might be rejected by certain family members so it was a way of keeping my family that I thought that I would not live without, close and accepting of me