Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I just learned Im codependent. I knew I was addicted to my husband, but I didnt realize the depth of issues I have. Ive started going to meetings and reading lots of material but there are some things Im just confused about. Like how being sorry about something can be trying to control an outcome. About how to set boundaries and not hurt other people. About how I got to where I am!
I have two small children from a previous marriage and am pregnant. I want to set a good example for my children and for them to have the happiest upbringing they can.
My husband and I have been on rocky ground from the start. Weve been married about 1.5 years, together a little over two years. Weve broken up and gotten back together several times, it started out with me wanting to end it and would come back to now he will indicate he wants it over and then will change his mind. I have decided I wont move any more because its not good on my kids so unless there are divorce papers signed Im staying in the home because our history shows we always end up back together. Last time I contemplated going to an in-treatment center for codependency because I know Im not strong enough to stay away even though I know things always go back to what they were that made things break down to that point.
We say a lot of things will change. We say we will sit down and talk. Nothing does, we never do.
He knows Ill always come back. He says hes unhappy and wants it to end sometimes but when it comes to it he wont sign paperwork. He will always end up reconciling too.
He knows he can pretty much do anything and Ill end up forgiving or stop fighting it. I want it to work. I want to believe we can both be happy and have what we want from this marriage. But I want certain things. I thought he was aware before we were married. I felt I was very clear in what I wanted and expected. I thought he agreed.
Everything now is my fault. We dont talk because its a luxury we dont have the time for. I cant properly express myself so everything is taken as an accusation. I have trust issues and thats become a problem for him as well. And agreements we do manage to make arent upheld when we fight. I admit I have trouble sometimes not wanting to talk, our agreement is walking away for 30 min, but he does too and every other agreement we have he doesnt hold up because we are fighting when it seems most critical to me. He tells me I need to confide to be intimate so I try and I get told I am the reason we are in financial problems and we dont have time and Im just an angry miserable person that he doesnt want to interact with. He told me before we were married he wanted sex three times a day, I do too. Now he is too tired because he doesnt get enough sleep, hes in school now but I try to let him sleep in...sometimes he does get up to help with the kids...but Im not the reason he doesnt sleep enough. He has sleep apnea so the sleep he gets probably isnt great but he wont do anything about it. He says its too cold but the temp is set on what we agreed to...much higher than Id like it, but Im the reason hes sick because I wont sacrifice...really!?!?!?! Use an electric blanket, turn on a space heater. Im sick because of the heat and I can only take off so much. I cant take meds because Im pregnant, but somehow Im the bad one because I dont want the heat higher. Its what he asked for. I felt I made the sacrifice. What about his? Im tired of feeling bad about things when I shouldnt. How am I a bad person for asking him to try other ways to get warmer at night? I have a hard time sleeping anyway and having it so hot literally means some nights I barely get ANY.
Every relationship Im in gets worse. Ive been married three times (really only dated a handful of men total) but I put my all into it and that is my identity. What they think of me is what I think of me. Every relationship I become more dependent on my spouse. It was probably unfair of me to marry this time. I had no idea I didnt even know what I like except what it is I want out of a marriage. I dont want to just run away, but we both have a right to be happy and if he cant give me those things should I just buckle yet again and accept less? Im a people pleaser, Im submissive. I do almost anything because I want to be loved and desired. How do I set boundaries when I know it will be met with resistance and maybe even be seen as an ultimatum? And when we have trouble even talking about serious things? It always ends up in a fight and nothing is ever resolved. I know Im not the only one with problems but when we fight it feels like hes saying its all me and my fault. Even such, even if its all me, we both should be happy and I dont know how to get there if we dont talk. I dont know how to express my needs and desires without it turning into him saying its an accusation and it becoming a huge fight yet again.
And now hes telling me hes having trouble/struggling, with whether or not he wants to be married to me and struggling not to notice/keeping his thoughts off other women. (he told me when we met he has a sex addiction and came a long way in changing the way he thought about women and the first thoughts he had about them when he sees them, and not dwelling on them anymore. He was very worried at one time about his ability to stay faithful.)
I dont know what to do. I love him. I want it to work. But I know I cant force him to be someone hes not. He cant force me to be someone Im not. Our fighting styles are different, we disagree about a ton of things. I dont know how to make it work. I dont know how to set boundaries. I dont know how to talk to him. I realize there is more at work than mere codependence. We have anger issues, trust issues...there is a lot of bad history between us and from previous relationships.
I think Ive rambled and bounced all over the place but I just dont know what to do any more. I want to be in a marriage that makes me happy, makes me feel desired and more important than any other woman. I know some of this is a problem with my way of thinking. Part of it is he likes I have no self confidence and is afraid things will change, that sex wont be as good, if I have self confidence. I shouldnt care what he thinks but everything about myself is based on his opinion. Im trying to change that and there are times I succeed, but its usually based on a perceived idea of what someone else thinks. Very rarely could I look in the mirror and like what I saw before I was pregnant. I cant sit and name good things about myself without thinking about how its not always right or this makes it false etc. I dont know how I got this way and its painful and I feel lost. The things I wanted in a mate dont seem possible with him and I dont know what to do. I know he has low self esteem too, and at times he will say he fears losing me and feels the same way I do. But its usually followed by a fight. Because he made himself vulnerable? My sister thinks he plays mind games with me. Sometimes I feel he does too. My sister does say I worry too much about other women, but that is a hard fear to lose when my history is full of betrayal and his is full of betraying, and his telling me repeatedly Im not the best and hes shallow and looks matter and he cant control having an impulse thought about someone...that he thinks his exes are better looking, that he could have so much better, that if we break up he can move on easily and find someone better looking. That Im not skinny enough for his preference and the weight o the scale is all that matters... Yeah he told me he was shallow but he also said I was great the way I was and didnt need to change. But little comments here and there tear that down. Knowing if he could (he says he doesnt because of our religious beliefs and his work in addiction recovery) hed sleep with anyone he found attractive, knowing he is more attracted to other women... I just dont know how to handle it all.
Obviously there are good times or it would be easy to leave. Hes good with my kids and he gets us out and helps us experience things we wouldnt otherwise. He brings me flowers, gets me medicine when Im sick, will take the kids so I can nap....he isnt all bad and I hope I havent portrayed that here.
If youve managed to read to the end thank you for your time. Im sorry for the rant/vent and being all over the place. I keep hoping that going to meetings and reading information Ill learn more about myself and somehow find the strength to do what I need to, either in leaving or changing what I want in life. I wish I could see myself how other people see me. They tell me all these things and I never believe it. Just for one day Id love to see myself from their view. For one day Id love to be inside my husbands head and KNOW what he thinks and feels.
I have two small children from a previous marriage and am pregnant. I want to set a good example for my children and for them to have the happiest upbringing they can.
My husband and I have been on rocky ground from the start. Weve been married about 1.5 years, together a little over two years. Weve broken up and gotten back together several times, it started out with me wanting to end it and would come back to now he will indicate he wants it over and then will change his mind. I have decided I wont move any more because its not good on my kids so unless there are divorce papers signed Im staying in the home because our history shows we always end up back together. Last time I contemplated going to an in-treatment center for codependency because I know Im not strong enough to stay away even though I know things always go back to what they were that made things break down to that point.
We say a lot of things will change. We say we will sit down and talk. Nothing does, we never do.
He knows Ill always come back. He says hes unhappy and wants it to end sometimes but when it comes to it he wont sign paperwork. He will always end up reconciling too.
He knows he can pretty much do anything and Ill end up forgiving or stop fighting it. I want it to work. I want to believe we can both be happy and have what we want from this marriage. But I want certain things. I thought he was aware before we were married. I felt I was very clear in what I wanted and expected. I thought he agreed.
Everything now is my fault. We dont talk because its a luxury we dont have the time for. I cant properly express myself so everything is taken as an accusation. I have trust issues and thats become a problem for him as well. And agreements we do manage to make arent upheld when we fight. I admit I have trouble sometimes not wanting to talk, our agreement is walking away for 30 min, but he does too and every other agreement we have he doesnt hold up because we are fighting when it seems most critical to me. He tells me I need to confide to be intimate so I try and I get told I am the reason we are in financial problems and we dont have time and Im just an angry miserable person that he doesnt want to interact with. He told me before we were married he wanted sex three times a day, I do too. Now he is too tired because he doesnt get enough sleep, hes in school now but I try to let him sleep in...sometimes he does get up to help with the kids...but Im not the reason he doesnt sleep enough. He has sleep apnea so the sleep he gets probably isnt great but he wont do anything about it. He says its too cold but the temp is set on what we agreed to...much higher than Id like it, but Im the reason hes sick because I wont sacrifice...really!?!?!?! Use an electric blanket, turn on a space heater. Im sick because of the heat and I can only take off so much. I cant take meds because Im pregnant, but somehow Im the bad one because I dont want the heat higher. Its what he asked for. I felt I made the sacrifice. What about his? Im tired of feeling bad about things when I shouldnt. How am I a bad person for asking him to try other ways to get warmer at night? I have a hard time sleeping anyway and having it so hot literally means some nights I barely get ANY.
Every relationship Im in gets worse. Ive been married three times (really only dated a handful of men total) but I put my all into it and that is my identity. What they think of me is what I think of me. Every relationship I become more dependent on my spouse. It was probably unfair of me to marry this time. I had no idea I didnt even know what I like except what it is I want out of a marriage. I dont want to just run away, but we both have a right to be happy and if he cant give me those things should I just buckle yet again and accept less? Im a people pleaser, Im submissive. I do almost anything because I want to be loved and desired. How do I set boundaries when I know it will be met with resistance and maybe even be seen as an ultimatum? And when we have trouble even talking about serious things? It always ends up in a fight and nothing is ever resolved. I know Im not the only one with problems but when we fight it feels like hes saying its all me and my fault. Even such, even if its all me, we both should be happy and I dont know how to get there if we dont talk. I dont know how to express my needs and desires without it turning into him saying its an accusation and it becoming a huge fight yet again.
And now hes telling me hes having trouble/struggling, with whether or not he wants to be married to me and struggling not to notice/keeping his thoughts off other women. (he told me when we met he has a sex addiction and came a long way in changing the way he thought about women and the first thoughts he had about them when he sees them, and not dwelling on them anymore. He was very worried at one time about his ability to stay faithful.)
I dont know what to do. I love him. I want it to work. But I know I cant force him to be someone hes not. He cant force me to be someone Im not. Our fighting styles are different, we disagree about a ton of things. I dont know how to make it work. I dont know how to set boundaries. I dont know how to talk to him. I realize there is more at work than mere codependence. We have anger issues, trust issues...there is a lot of bad history between us and from previous relationships.
I think Ive rambled and bounced all over the place but I just dont know what to do any more. I want to be in a marriage that makes me happy, makes me feel desired and more important than any other woman. I know some of this is a problem with my way of thinking. Part of it is he likes I have no self confidence and is afraid things will change, that sex wont be as good, if I have self confidence. I shouldnt care what he thinks but everything about myself is based on his opinion. Im trying to change that and there are times I succeed, but its usually based on a perceived idea of what someone else thinks. Very rarely could I look in the mirror and like what I saw before I was pregnant. I cant sit and name good things about myself without thinking about how its not always right or this makes it false etc. I dont know how I got this way and its painful and I feel lost. The things I wanted in a mate dont seem possible with him and I dont know what to do. I know he has low self esteem too, and at times he will say he fears losing me and feels the same way I do. But its usually followed by a fight. Because he made himself vulnerable? My sister thinks he plays mind games with me. Sometimes I feel he does too. My sister does say I worry too much about other women, but that is a hard fear to lose when my history is full of betrayal and his is full of betraying, and his telling me repeatedly Im not the best and hes shallow and looks matter and he cant control having an impulse thought about someone...that he thinks his exes are better looking, that he could have so much better, that if we break up he can move on easily and find someone better looking. That Im not skinny enough for his preference and the weight o the scale is all that matters... Yeah he told me he was shallow but he also said I was great the way I was and didnt need to change. But little comments here and there tear that down. Knowing if he could (he says he doesnt because of our religious beliefs and his work in addiction recovery) hed sleep with anyone he found attractive, knowing he is more attracted to other women... I just dont know how to handle it all.
Obviously there are good times or it would be easy to leave. Hes good with my kids and he gets us out and helps us experience things we wouldnt otherwise. He brings me flowers, gets me medicine when Im sick, will take the kids so I can nap....he isnt all bad and I hope I havent portrayed that here.
If youve managed to read to the end thank you for your time. Im sorry for the rant/vent and being all over the place. I keep hoping that going to meetings and reading information Ill learn more about myself and somehow find the strength to do what I need to, either in leaving or changing what I want in life. I wish I could see myself how other people see me. They tell me all these things and I never believe it. Just for one day Id love to see myself from their view. For one day Id love to be inside my husbands head and KNOW what he thinks and feels.
One thing that I keep reading and keeps coming up for me as I read it, is that it sounds like you are focusing on little minutia items vs. the big picture. As if it is easier to tackle focusing on these little things such as the heat of the room vs. what the real issues are in the relationship.
When you stick to the big picture, big challenges and not get caught up in the mundane little ticky tacky items of relationship then the little things seem to disappear. Don't allow those little things to cloud your objectivity to the situation and try and stay focused on what the real needs are for change in the relationship. This will overall help the communication, the relationship and of course the priority, YOU!
I also think you might have a lot of answers already but may be scared to face them.....which is how we all are, and how we get caught up in the little things.....I do that all the time because I don't want to deal with the bigger issue-it usually freaks me out to say something that is the big ticket problem in a relationship, I am always afraid of how the person will react! Its easy to do....but trust that is where the name of the game is, in recovery, tackling the big things head on!
Just keep going to meetings, reading and posting....see what is the running theme of all of it and take it from there!!
Take care of you XXOO!!
I am afraid to face the big issues and don't trust myself that I have the right answers! That's part of why I always go back, I second guess myself, think of the good times, etc.
It is interesting trying to learn to take care of myself...I've felt guilty for so long if I take 5 minutes to do something for myself when there is so much else to do. But I'm hopeful because I finally found a place that seems to understand and I know I'm not alone!!
Take care of you!! and keep up the journey!!
I went to a one week "retreat" for codep and it changed my life. But if you are pregnant, I don't know if all that emotionality would be good. Then again, I bet you are pretty upset anyway? Maybe now is a good time to do it before the baby gets here?
Hugs.
Well the first marriage had no kids. The second is the father of two of my kids. He was a stay at home parent. When I found out he wasn't caring for them properly and spending all his time online playing video games and having an online affair while I worked, I left. They were very young. I tried counseling before I left him, he didn't want to change. He hasn't even asked how they are since we left. They don't remember him at all. The counselor I was seeing also advised me to leave. I spent a lot of time in prayer about it.
Despite that yes I know I have to get it together for the kids. I think I was codependent with all my relationships but mostly with my current. Maybe because I have had two bad marriages that I felt I was giving all of me. Idk.
My parents stayed married much longer than they should have. They fought a lot. I know my dad never really wanted kids. I stood up to him when I thought my mother wouldn't (she was trying to have peace in the home, I didn't understand until later). It was not a tragic situation but if definitely wasn't ideal. I guess I've never felt loved by him and I want someone to love and desire me. That sounds so cliche when I say it. It's not something I can think about easily.
I had one place tell me they wouldn't allow me in since I was pregnant. A couple places said it was ok. I'm torn because a part of me wants so bad for it to work. I've never had a drug addiction but from what I've heard people say that's what it feels like...if we are broken up it's like withdrawal. Idk....
The problem is things get better and I ride that for a while before they blow up again. Right now they are fairly good. My sister says I act like abused women she's known and isn't sure if when I've asked for help she just needs to do it, or if I need to come to a place where I'm good with it long term. I told her I didn't feel I'd ever be in that place where long term I could be without him, but I'm hoping with what I learn about myself and as I work the steps that maybe I will be strong enough for whatever my HP has in store for me.
I definitely feel my life is a mess. :(
Thx DeliAnnem for your input!