have you told him how you feel?

yes he just shrigs it off and says how tired he is after work and wants to wind down

I never thought I was enabling. I went to an ACOA meeting that Sunday morning, I shared "my husband had been gone for 2 days." I had no idea where he was. I suspected he was hiding out, using drugs. After the meeting, a man said to me, "You're his Enabler." I was incensed. I said "yes, if you call loving someone, and providing anything you could for him as Enabling, then OK." I left the meeting furious. I walked home that beautiful September day. It was perfect, but I sure wasn't. I have always had this strong silent feeling, a nagging pang.(THE TRUTH!) I asked myself How could he say that? The word itself, offended me. I had done the right things. My husband was screwed up. In time, I would find out what Enabling meant. I wasn't ready for the full definition yet. You see, the same hour, that I was at that meeting, my husbands body was being found in a vacant building, in a Baltimore ghetto. An overdose. I didn't find out for another day, I had to call the morgue, the Baltimore Police didn't care, it was another dead junkie to them.

Gossip flew, being a local business owner of many years, I had to deal with that and my grief. I continued to go to meetings. They helped me, I started to see, where I had enabled this behavior. I had several chances to end it over 7 years, and always let him back. I married him, to "Let him know, no matter what he did, someone in the world loved him." Love wasn't enough though. The hurricane came upon the flowers, life changed. I was talking to a fellow member the other day. I was amazed how she's grown. We were sharing how we had come to accept our part in our last partners problems. She and I were sharing about our responsibility in our relationships. Our guilt over trying to control these men, their lives, how we had failed, but also our contribution to always thinking our love would fix it. "If we just loved them more." How we had actually enabled their lives with this safety net, while they continued to never actually hit bottom. How we have had to work on forgiving ourselves, for our own ignorance about addictions, and our own co-dependant behavior, which definitely played an important part. Forgiving myself every time a PTSD flashback like picture of his face appears in my mind even after 14 years. Forgiving my SELF is the hard part.


Recovery from Co-dependency is about fixing and protecting OURSELVES. Not just from alcoholics, drug addicts, but from dysfunctional behavior we commit on ourselves. We simply let the wrong type of people into our lives. We feel a need to fix people. A therapist once told me, I have "I'm nice, written on my forehead, even bad folks see it. They will take advantage of it." We need to chose what's best for OUR LIVES/ OUR VERY SELF. Then, the only thing we will be enabling is our own lives! By choosing to walk with a "God Of Our Understanding." Today, I know and accept that, I'm an Enabler, it's a badge of wisdom. For that "I AM GRATEFUL."

Thing is, I do love him, I only hate him when he is nasty to me. Im not alloweed to talk to him about my problems, he just says can we talk about something else, he does nothing around the house and he don't seem to care about me one bit he seems apathetic towards me, then loves me when it suits him.

I know this seems trivial but he bought me sweets the other day and he ate them all before i finished work

Under the Discussions Tab, there is a Recomendation Tab. Some reading of that might help. Each dynamic of relationships are different. We work on these things over time with ourselves. Meetings are an excellent way to share and be heard. Someone there may share something, which may show you a path they went through. Co-dependency recovery is about inner-self work. It's hard to get any of us to tell you directly what to do. It's nothing personal. We know the key to fixing our lives was for us to do it individually. You see, no one every listened or cared about our opinions. When we work this way, we can take responsibility for our lives and learn the purpose of finding our SELF. That's something no one can take from me. If someone always fixes your computer, and you don't know how it is done, you can't fix it. Breaking free of Co-dependence is like that. By the way, nothing is trivial.
:-)

it is the little trivial things that are not eneough to make us leave but rather chip away at our soul till we know nothing better than to take it and carry it silently.

yes thats true they can eat away at you

I am codependent, my job has been to enable people to do dysfunctionial things. I am 65 year old grandmother and I became friens with a lady I met. She is 55 and has smoked all her life. If I have ever met someone who is controlling I got in this controlling relationship with them.. Her life is very sad and she likes to just talk on the phone and drink coffee all day. She has been on Lorazapam and other anti-depressents along with drinking dark roast coffee and smoking all day long. It became MY job to save her from herself. I did this INSANE thing to myself and her for 5 years. Because she is so miserable she would say abusive things to me. I took the abuse. And to top it all of her husband has COPD. she smokes in the house and car. Her husband has now been listed as very severe COPD. The only hope is a lung transplant. I HAVE ENABLED THIS BY KEEPING ON TALKING TO HER. The crazier she acted the more I got involved and tried to save her. IS THIS SICK OR WHAT!!!!!!!!! I don't know who is sicker, me or her. I have FINALLY broke free of the MESS.

When i think about it i still can't believe all that happened,. But I realize
it now and this will never happen to me again. she still doesn't realize that she is KILLING her husband because of her addition. .

He has been smoking weed since before he met me, he ain't gonna change for me, or anyone else

If his smoking weed isn't going to stop & you can't accept it, but are still in the relationship trying to make it work then you are acting very co-dependent. I know because I'm doing the same thing with my alcoholic boyfriend. Sorry, but it's true.