I find alanon/Coda meetings work well plus
therapy. Its a very deep issue and it takes retraining
And reparenting ourselves. Its not a simple,
Easy or quick journey.

Many people get codependent no more to read by
Melodie beattie she is very alanon like. HUGS

CoDA meetings are just amazing, search it up & give it a try. You're worthy of living life, loving life and you're worthy of healing.

I recommend CODA meetings and melodie beattie book as well. I just listened to an interview of hers on youtube that really opened my eyes. Granted I am only 23 and have been in a codependent relationship for only 3 years, but I can tell you the amount of pain and suffering that I have been through made me feel as if life was unbearable at times. I often blame myself for a lot of relationship issues too; however, try and remind yourself that recovery is 100% possible and very VERY attainable. Do not be so quick to blame yourself for things that have happened in your life because often times it is not your fault. Try and think positively and definitely seek out help and support so you can end the viscous cycle that you feel you are trapped in. My boyfriend was (maybe still is) messaging other women and MEN on sex slave/prostitution websites offering to be their sex slave (for the SECOND time, after I caught him the first time and he promised to never do it again) but I can't seem to even picture leaving him so I torture myself 24/7 living with him knowing he may be doing things with other people. I am currently in recovery but I know the comments/advice people give can be hard to picture/act out so if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me and I can surely relate try to offer the best advice I can for someone who is in as much pain as you are. HUGS

Groundhog day. Very nice way to put it. I just turned 56, very close to your age, and I feel the same darn way. I self-sabatoge when I make any kind of accomplishment. My mother and older sister don't even have to be present or even alive and they have carved such deep ruts in me, I STILL do their bidding... if there is a way out of that one, I want to be the first to find it!!

Ooops., sorry Smithy. I didn't read yur post first. No bad intentions re: the age thing.

Thank you all for your kind words and recommendations . Today was a better day.. using meditation to quiet
My thoughts and to help keep me in the present and not trying to control the future (a place a go way too much) I have been in alanon since November just beginning to work steps.. denial has been a huge barrier. No denying. I am codependent. There is no denying that.. but denying the route to recovery and less chaos. I thought acceptance of who I was would set me on the path.. I now know the work I have ahead. . And that is what has me cycling circling and trying to bargain a different approach... ughhhh. Thanks for reading

I am glad you are attending meetings. It is a Slow
process to change and grow emotionally. Its the
peeling Of an onion and constant baby steps in
A safe and non judgemental place.

Trying to change the dysfunction in thoughts, actions
and behaviors is Tough and time consuming. Working
Steps 1,2 and 3 are life changing and are needed to move
Thru your recovery. Steps 4-12 when you Are truly ready.

I am not a big believer in speed stepping. Some Are i
think when you finish the steps the first time around you
should Have had a true spiritiual awakening. I have seen
some That are still immature and dysfunctional that is
speed Stepping IMHO. You can do the steps over and
over Again and many do.

I am very spiritual it helps me and also carries me and my
emotional recovery Journey. The emotional stuff is daunting
and time consuming. Its about retraining And reparenting
ourselves. Learning to Feel our feelings and emotions, use
healthy and strong Boundaries to keep us safe and to keep
our serenity intact. Serenity and peace are precious and need
And deserve Our protection.

Pia mellody states codependency is a disease of immaturity.
I think she is right. We need to learn how to be humble to
Become teachable then from there it grows and flowers. Now
When i see immaturity, dysfunction, addiction i can spot it
Real easy and i trust my instincts and my thoughts, feelings
and emotions. HUGS