Welcome! I am new as well! I can completely relate as far as childhood abuse and trauma, I too have come to the awakening that, because of those experiences, it affects my life in so many different ways. I'm trying to figure out if my behavior is codependent. Hope to hear from you soon!

Autumn

Hi - thanks for responding to my post.

Have you read the book Co-Dependency No More? It blew my mind and i knew right away I was co-dependent.

Also I have been listeing to the podcasts from this site: http://www.codependencynomore.com/start-here/

(not same author as the book I mentioned) but also helpful.

Welcome to you both

I personally go to therapy and alanon.
I come from narcissism, codependency,
Alcholism, abuse and dysfunction so
Does my ex. We marry or attract what
We know and they are often on the
same level Of dysfunction as we are.

There is lots to learn and to study. Aware
Ness and coming out of denial is the first
Step in recovery plus facing our fears. Time
really does take time. It is layer by layer of
Changing, growing and healing with lots
Of grieving and facing ourselves and sitting
With uncomfortable feelings and emotions.

There are a lot of good sites and info Salina
or I posted. None of this stuff is easy, quick
Or simple. Its about getting humble so we
Are Teachable and we learn To become an
emotionally mature adult.

I call much of it reparenting and retraining.
Keep studying the whys of how you came
To be a codependent. The next step is to
Change and heal from the inside out. Thats
The hard part. I am spiritually much stronger
Than emotionally. That part is just going to
take Me awhile. Its all a process and i am
where I need to be, HUGS

Thank you. I agreee with what you said 100%. I jsust had to move our of my family home to get the space I needed to deal with all of this. Trying to figure out of my partner of 17 years is a part of the problem or part of the solution. I think he has many of the same issues as I do... He deals with his with anger - not abuse, but anger - and that is a trigger for me.

It's hard work but I believe it will be all worth it.

My ex is more of an dry alcoholic with
Narc traits and me a codependent. We
Fit like a hand and glove.

Usually a codependent finds an addict,
Narc or an emotionally unavailable person.
Once in awhile its two like codependents.

We did pretty good for the first 10+ years
Then things started changing slowly. It
Became an emotional intimacy issue. He
Would not validate me or hear me anymore
And that gets old after awhile.

These types of relationships often fail and
Can turn toxic. Mine did and it has been a
Very Long hard road back after 30 years for
Me.

I thought We were married for life the good
And bad. He became checked out emotionally
And there was No getting better or coming
back From that, HUGS

Welcome aboard Jenn and Autumn. Your journeys have now begun. Because our codependency makes us such nice people, we have a challenge to see it as a problem. Good for you for recognizing it. As we change ourselves, we change the dances we have established in our relationships. Our partners can then choose to adjust to the newer healthier interactions or not, but we become whole. Some last, some don't. Healing hugs to all.

Thank you SimpsonOK - well said - it is a dance isn't it - with a few stumbles! I am finding it hard to trust any of my feelings towards my relationship.

Jenn you sound good. I found recovery
Long and hard especially about my ex. I
was too Attached. Detachment is needed
and its Not an easy process, HUGS

My partner was an alcoholic. Been dry for about 5 years... he is a CHRONIC ppot smoker though. He is very kind and supportive in general. BUt due to his upbringing - we both had less then ideal childhoods, even when we met he had angery bubbling in him. I am empathic and can feel everything and I guess I just got to the point where I did not want to live with that bubbling feeling all the time - even though - his anger is almost never directly towards me - it is still there. He uses pot to numb it and to keep it in check - this also brings on paranoia and he also would prefer to be much more isolated than I would. I am very social and love to help people and be around them.

We rarely fight even after 17 years - but recently we did - in October and I once again expereinced the inability to properly comminucate. My throat closes up - my chest is tight - and I can only feel what is going on - not able to repsond, and honeslty not able to remember exactly what is being said. This is what prompted me to finally seek therapy and then realize my past childhood abuse and trauma has left iwth me many coping straetgies that are hindering my ability to be happy and healthy.

Co-dependency is also one of those coping strategies.

I made the decision to move out for a few months to really get help and work on thiese things - I was not able to in the family home - too small and too full of anxiety... So here I am two months later, doing as much work as I can - hoping to be able to know what is is I want - especially regarding my relationship.

Its a journey and it just takes time. Thats
hard To hear when you are in it and you
want Solutions or answers toward your
Relationship.

Glad you have A good therapist that helps
a lot having a One on one healthy sounding
board. I loved my therapist and now only go
as Needed and have for quite awhile. She is
Great for the bigger issues.

Much of my stuff i needed the help and support
Of alanon and to work thru all my own stuff.
With the Love, support and guidance of my HP
holding my hand giving me courage.

Its just layers upon layers Of stuff to heal, face,
grieve and move on. Its really much more than
that. Its a spiritual group of healing and growth
that self focuses. Its not about others its about
us getting Better, stronger and healthier.

Detaching was brutal after the divorce and
Moving. Thats when that codependent little
girl showed herself. I thought she was long
Dead and long gone. She wasn't she was
Working unconsciously thru out my whole
30 year marriage. Thats been for the last
Three years and i am slowly healing that
Part of me.

One girl in my divorce group had a deaf
Pot smoker husband. He got abusive she
Had enough. Its still mind/mood altering
Drug. I am allergic to it myself. I get paranoid,
Shaky and uncertain. That was years ago
And have not done it again. The pot now a
Days is potent. Not like the shake of my
Teens years. Hugs

Agree that we don't do well dealing with angry people, even when it isn't focused on us. It scares us in a way it doesn't most people. Yes, it can paralyze us, as it did for some of us as children. That was a terribly hard thing for me to deal with even in recovery. Still don't do well with it, but have tools to get me through. Hugs.

Yes trying to learn as many tools as possible!

Thanks for your messages SimpsonOK and mirandac