I'm expecting a difficult day ahead. After more decades of burying myself in my partner's problems than I care to remember, I need to break free. I have to confront my feelings and dependency issues and bring it all out into the open today. It's been a sleepless week, but I need to do this, and I can't let it go on any longer.

My partner has mental health issues, and I totally accept that I've used the excuse of acting as a long term carer to hide from my own dependency problems, but I'm getting old and tired, and I just can't keep it up. The strain is killing me. I still want to care, but somewhere in here I want to find me, and somehow find a life of my own, or at least, a little corner of it for myself.

My partner is pleasant and charming most of the time, but it comes at the cost of always doing exactly as I'm told. There has been violence (not these days, as I know how to avoid it, at the cost of compliance), but it's the emotional distress I'm subjected to if I don't just give in that I really can't cope with. I'm hounded and torn into, till I cant eat or sleep. It's been the same right from the very beginning, 38 years ago, when I was pressured into the relationship and marriage in the first place ... I always have to give in and comply.

Having said all that, I'm not sure I know how to live. It's a bit frightening. I've only been allowed two holidays in all the time we've been together, and I'm sometimes allowed one or two visits to my sister a year, although there have been years when I've not been allowed anywhere at all. I work full time to support  my partner, and my evenings are spent doing the shopping, cooking, housework, and anything else that's wanted. I'm approaching reitrement, and I'm a little scared that I wont be able to cope with being "available" full time. With having no life outside of work, and with not being able to talk about my home life, I've not been make any real friends at work either - just a few friendly work colleagues during office hours, but most of my working hours are spent in silence.

Sadly my sister has been in much the same situation, although she's been fortunate in a way, as her partner left her for someone else, so she has found freedom, and is starting to flourish at last. It gives me a little hope. We both agree that our problems stem from our mother, who was an abusive alcoholic. Our father didn't help matters, as he wasn't any better, but he was more physical rather than emotionally scarring. Our mother went to great lengths to destroy any feeling of self-worth that either of us might have had.

If anyone can spare a prayer today, or wish a little luck, it would mean rather a lot.