Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi - I'm glad I've found this group. I'm hoping it will help me, and if I can help others as well.
In a nutshell, I've realized I'm codependent on my friend. I consider him my best friend - though now he lives in another part of the state.
Quick background - I'm single, female, 46; no friends, though people, like co-workers, tell me they really like me. Most people I encounter assume I have a lot of friends. I feel unworthy most of the time. My friend, "TW" was a co-worker, whom I had a crush on. He is also in his 40s, gay, lots of friends, in a relationship. We now live in different parts of the state, and skype a few times a week. Our friendship has been going for about 7 years.
I've always had more of a one-sided relationship with him. The things I did to make him like me - included "hiring" him as a private yoga teacher. I admit I had a crush on him wnen we first met, but that has (finally) disappated into a real frienship.
The problem is that I depend on him entirely for everything. This became an issue for about a year, and we've pretty much resolved it. Strangely, going through this problem made us closer, but in a healthier way.
I'm trying to be on my best behavior - and trying to avoid putting pressure on him to be everything I need. But, it's hard right now. He seems to be going through some emotional issues of his own, and not opening up to me. We still talk at our scheduled times, and he replies to some texts I send him. I'm trying to be the supportive friend now, instead of the other way around.
Not knowing what's bothering him is wearing me down, and I'm afraid to spiral, and lash out at him. I've already asked if whatever it is he's going through will reflect us - meaning "me." He said it will not.
I feel insecure and lonely. I'm trying to be a friend, and he seems to appreciate it. I don't take to changes well, and I have a sinking feeling something big is about to change. I don't know what. When he's sad and unhappy, I feel the pain too.
I know he wants the best for me, and wants me to be emotionally healthy. I don't want to burden him, but I'm reaching my breaking point.
what should I do?
Thank you...
Sandra
You described it perfectly - getting lost in another person.
I never thought this could happen in a non-romantic relationship. He knows how I feel, and doesn't like the pressure. I've done pretty well keeping it at bay, but there are times when it's overwhelming.
I want to thank you firstly for sharing. I'm new here too but ive practiced a long time. (well it feels long).
Something stood out to me in your post that i just want to check in with you about if thats ok. You mentioned he is your only friend, and he's moved away. Alot of your post is about your relationship to him, and im glad you feel you've moved into a healthier dynamic together.
The part i'd like to check in on is have you set up other resources/'healthy dependencies' that you can begin to migrate some of your emotional/psychological requirements away from him?
Not for his sake i ask. For you :) It makes it alot easier to let go of something if you feel supported by something else in a healthier way if that makes sense. The dependency has a way of kinda..dissipating is a good word (which i've stolen from your post :)).
I think often we tend to try to stop ourselves from burdening others, but tend to lack a little in the way of putting in new supports to help ourselves through that tough time.
There is a very important trap to not just seek another codependent thing. That is why i tend to prefer 'lighter' multiple resources. It keeps thing less attached and gives everyone breathing room, and freedom.
I'm really glad for you. You spoke it well and that shows some pretty good clarity on your difficulty. Knowledge and practice are key! :)
Best of luck Op.