Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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kitty4 05/19/2017

I am beginning to realize I am codependent. I have been married 7 years. My husband struggled with cigarettes and pornographt early in our marriage which he overcome. There was also physical abuse which has not recurred. He has since developed OCD, depression and has been using spending to try to feel better. As soon as we pay off the credit card it is maxed out. The card is in his name and I cannot legally close it. He is unemployed. He struggled with spending issues in his early twenties and then closed and paid off his cards. I believe he is also codependent or too dependent on me. He thinks that a spouse should do everything with him and if I do not enjoy the activity he is often hurt. We have a young child and I don't desire to divorce yet. But every time we try and agree on a budget he blows it within a few days and fights to get more money. He is often upset and calls me miserly. We have equal spending money in the budget. I think he had a spending addiction. He has mentioned several times he thinks he has a problem but will not seek further help. He was in therapy before and stopped. For now I opened my own savings and will only pay the minimal on his card since he has no job but nothing more. If he starts spending more than agreed from our joint I may have to open a new account. Anything else you would do to not enable? Me giving him an allowance would create resentment and not create inner change but I don't want to be financially ruined. I am also working through some codependent books as I had lost myself and no longer New who I was. I am regaining that. My spouse does t like that and feels a we are growing apart as we do not spend all our time together.

AgentSmith 05/19/2017

He likely has a personality disorder, not codependency. People who are codependent, like you've admitted to being, typically get involved with personality disorder people who tend to have addictions, impulsivity, be abusive, etc. They expect to be taken care of and they find caregivers (codependents) who will do so.

Are you in therapy for your codependency issues? Have you tried CODA meetings? It would be a good idea to do so in order to learn how to set boundaries with this guy. I doubt that he will change and you should not be responsible for him. Good luck.

kitty4 05/19/2017

Yes I started therapy a few weeks ago. My husband had been in therapy and we did full psychological testing and no personality disorder but some avoidant traits, they attributed impusivity to the depression/OCD. I think there is underlying ADHD contributing.

kitty4 05/19/2017

I had known about his past depression/spending issues but those where not active when we married and OCD cropped up later, /spending restarted 3 years ago.

mirandac 05/19/2017

Now is the time to focus on you not him, you can
Only control and fix yourself. Thats a huge Pill to
swallow for a codie. I too think alanon or CODA
meetings plus going to Therapy will help you a lot.

Before i go too far, all 12 step groups are for codies In
whatever area they have a problem With, food, sex,
porn, drugs, Drink, other people, shopping, gambling.

Porn addiction scares me, they are no different than an
alcoholic/druggie they need a 12 step program just as
much If not more to heal their inner wounds.

Many times an inactive addict will go toward sex and
porn as another way to get high or a feel Good situation.

They are just abstaining from Drink and drug only. You
see many unrecovered inactive addicts acting out with
sexting and going on social Media flirting and prowling.
Some of the sicker ones are sexual predators.

The spending issues are alarming. Think like you are
married To an active addict and live accordingly. Some
divorce them or live Financially separate no comingling
Of monies, debts or assets so not to be liable for The bad
decisions and choices of the addict. HUGS

Arj1978 05/19/2017

He could be bipolar and have addiction problems. Being in therapy is a huge plus if you want your marriage to work. I would definitely cut off financial support. Only pay for necessities, nothing extra. Make him get a job. Addicts will get themselves into trouble if they get bored. Keep him busy, keep him in therapy, cut off the extra money, but be kind and emotionally supportive. Also be encouraging. Biggest thing though is taking good care of yourself. You can hurt your mind, body and soul if you let his demons control you. You have the power to stop that dead in its tracks. He may be mad and upset but you have to put yourself and your kid first.

lowvalue 05/21/2017

I'm sorry that you are going through this. A lot of people don't understand that these types of things happen too often and before you know it, you've been sucked in with no way out. I went through 12 years with an alcoholic who was addicted to night life, even into his 30s. I was done with hanging out and drinking all night around the age of 26. I was always hoping that he would model me and stop his behavior. 12 years later I realized that I was only supporting his behavior by trying to stop it or hide it. The harsh reality is that your husband needs to change, but he has to want to, you cannot fix him. I have started therapy and I'm almost 4 months in now. And in just 4 short months, I am starting to move towards positive change, unfortunately without him. Like your husband, mine started therapy but did not complete it. I have to do it for myself and for my children. You have to change things for yourself and for your children. You handling his credit card payments is only enabling him to continue the foolery. You are also taking money from your children by trying to handle his credit card expenses. Save that minimum payment and buy your kids some shoes for the summer or take them to the beach. Whatever you do, do it for yourself or your children because you cannot change a man. He has to want that change. You have to set boundaries because if not, this will be your life for the rest of your life.

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