Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi everyone! My name is Jodie and I have recently discovered that I have a Codependency problem. I have been through multiple traumatic events in my life that I feel have contributed to my issue, but at my core I feel that this is really a problem in my life. I have noticed that I am constantly depending on my relationships to feel good about myself. My father was never a big part of my life and I didn't ever have a positive male role model, so I always seek out attention in negative ways. My self esteem is extremely low as well and I cling to any attention that I can get. It affects my whole life and makes it extremely hard to be happy in a relationship because I am always too clingy. My problem also causes me extreme anxiety and makes me so insecure that there are may days that I feel I can't even function. I start therapy in a couple weeks, but I am really nervous for that since I have never tried to get help for this problem. If anyone has any tips for me on how to cope, that would be great! I am open to all suggestions.
Your comment above is so mature and so self aware that it is powerful.
Wherever you got that from you need to keep it up.
The thing about self esteem is much more complicated then most people view it - below is a link about self esteem that I like:
https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/10/10/about-self-esteem/
To build true and healthy self-esteem then we each must find our own boundaries based on principles and even on rules that govern our life and our attitudes, which is why religion is so powerful for humans because religion gives us the principles and rules to use as our own personal boundaries. The ten commandments were really just 10 boundaries and the Sermon on the Mount are just more boundaries, and our own boundaries are what creates our own self esteem.
Here is another link from that same source about BOUNDARIES:
https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/boundaries-walls-and-denial/
Just take what works for you and reject anything that does not suit your self.
Welcome here to this group.
There are many, many women that have similar feelings that you do.
My suggestion for you, is to not regard "having an intimate relationship" as the problem (or the "enemy"). It's not a drug addiction. There is nothing wrong with feeling happy in a relationship, or feeling good about yourself in a relationship. And there is nothing wrong from reaping self-esteem from being loved.
But you targeted yourself: your relationship is out of balance when your loved one is your entire universe. It's a balancing act.
I remember once reading Elton John's biography. In it he said that he had experienced a lot of bad relationships, including a bad marriage. He remarked that one of the most exhausting things he found was once a person (Elton John's bisexual) was in an intimate relationship, he became their sun and they were all little dust-mote satellites orbiting around him, sucking the energy out of him.
He finally found the love of his live, and married him. He said, "It was just so wonderful being with him, because he had his own life. He wasn't a satellite orbiting around my life, depending on me to keep him happy. He had a life of his own, and so did I and we shared it with each other."
I really thought that was the best example of balance. You have to become less dependent on your intimate partner to build up your ego, and more dependent on your person achievements. That is where you can start, because your personal achievements make you attractive in the first place.
So what do you like to do? Sports? Hobbies? Charity Work? Career Girl? Artist? Don't ever give up what you excel in, in the way of achievements - especially for an intimate partner.
Other than that, you can find more advice for how to cope here:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
They can help you if you are honest with them. Eliminate what is uniquely YOU and fix things that will allow you more happiness in life.