If it is affecting your life and your future I would recommend a therapist. Try finding one who has experience with men with codependency. I went to one for a while when I could afford it and it definitely helped . All just my experience, everyone needs someone to talk to. Thats why Im here at least.

I know where you are coming from. Try a couple of therapists until you find the right one. Also try CODA meetings, s nd reading books by Melody Beatrice. She has a great meditation book called Letting Go. Best of Luck to you!

I get a feeling you take the easy route which is also the route of less resistance for you, instead of taking any route that would take more effort, be more taxing, or make you apply yourself more---thus you date the person who accepts you instead of someone you like because you have to do no work (which can't be fulfilling), you take jobs that you won't fail at (which means you take jobs that probably don't require as much from you, and maybe don't require you to think as much and are probably boring).

To me I don't know that it is about trusting yourself. Perhaps it's more about not going with your full potential, or maybe you just want to take it easy and not make waves so you always take the route of less resistance which is the easiest way.

You can read the codependency book "Codependent No More" if you think that will help you.

i still struggle with that. i finished therapy last month and have issues accepting challenges at my new job and fear about failing because i never worked in the IT field after college. in the past, i have always taken the easy route doing easy assignments back in school, seeking jobs that won't ask me to do my full potential, etc like i said now i am at a job where they want your full potential.

i find it hard because nobody cared enough to recognize me when i even tried to do my best all i got was a "oh, that's nice," type of attitude. i guess people were pissed because i didn't have a go getter attitude when i was a kid. for me, would never want to see a mental health moron again id rather see a social worker or get a life coach before i have to get head on with another mental health professional again!

i am still afraid of failing and what people might think who can embrace 'it's okay to fail just pick yourself up and go for it?'

Start with gratitude find things you ar grateful for.
Any time to get a negative thought ask your self
Is this a fact?
Is it my business?
If not then you can let it go think of something positive to focus on.
I find being as kind as I can for my own good brings out good in othersand just detaching from negative actions leaves room for more positiv things in my mind.
Don't do things you don't have to other people's stuff is there's.
They can work through it with out you.
Hope this helps.

LadyTiger: That's so great about your new job and congrats and I so hope it works out. I'm really proud of you!!!!

When I worked in the law offices, I wasn't in the IT field, but we would get in new software and the IT person wasn't very hands on in training or anything (and she didn't know the program herself). So co-workers didn't feel okay going to her with problems and would come to me to say they can't get the program to do this. I would get into it, it was an elaborate timekeeping program at the time, and I would work my way through it and eventually I could get the solution and then it was "SUCCESS" and we would spread it to all the co-workers and not let the IT person know. I remember how great it felt to crack the solutions to the problems and it helped all of us co-workers.

At another office, they had gotten new billing software in and couldn't find how to put their name, address, phone, and billing ID at the top of the bills. They asked me to take a crack at it. I got on it and began to slowly go into the program and open here and go in and open there and go in and kept winding deeper and deeper and eventually bingo, I got to it. I looked to it as a challenge. Since becoming disabled and not working, I haven't been involved in any of that and actually that's okay because with the migraines I get at times, I don't think I would be able to fully concentrate. But those things made what I did more exciting. Plus working in a law office with all the clients and the cases was great too.

So, it's tough now because you are new, but it will get better all the time and you will eventually enjoy it so much. Many, many hugs and again, congrats!!!!!

thanks. i am getting there one step at a time....

MM- This is just a hunch, but were you told a lot growing up that you were a no good @sshole???

I was. It took a LOOOOOONG time for that negative talk to be silenced in my head. I'm a lot better now at taking risks and putting myself out there. It has NOTHING to do with laziness; it's FEAR.

Deli how did you stop the negative thinking?

Im in the process right now of trying to improve my self esteem and self worth by seeking counseling, listening to positive affirmations daily, and am trying to learn to meditate. Ive only been doing the affirmations for a month or so. Not sure its helping yet. I do feel a little better, but Ive been such a negative person for so long Im not sure how to really turn it around.

Looking for suggestions.

Yes I was, I was picked alot as a kid, and thought I wasn't as good as the other kids.

Sad- I did a lot of "family of origin" work. I had to dig into my past and understand how my parents wired me. Then I had to rewire. It's a lot like doing a renovation on a house, actually. The only way to see what's going on inside is to bust a whole through the drywall. It's a mess, but once your re-do everything, the outcome's worth all the dust and debris!

Negative thinking comes from alot of old tapes that are still playing in our heads, Maybe if we were abused put down cut down been in any type of abusive relationship, We have to reprogram outselfs and that takes time and effort but it is worth it

I have had these problems with fear of failure too. I think if you are shying away from doing what would make you happy, because you are afraid of displeasing someone else, then yes it is probably codependent behavior.

You might see some results if you work on improving areas of your life separately. The author Leil Lowndes has written some good books on dating which are based on scientific research.

I like the advice you got from ladybird58. I will try to incorporate some of that myself.

Sounds like my life story. i had relationships with women who treated me badly and then I would try to earn their respect. I thought i was virtuous and patient and forgiving. All I did was teach them to disrespect me. In the end of my last relationship with an addict - she was trying to reestablish the times where she had made promises and not kept them. Because I had said yes once, she would not take no for an answer. She had a double standard and I had to keep all my promises and "perform" at a certain level. she broke all her promises, but that did not matter to her, so it should not have mattered to her.

It had become a stand off for some months. I wanted her to have at least a year of sobriety before I proposed, she arranged to have her friend lecture me for 5 hours (yes 5 hours!!!!!! after making me wait for one hour). The subject of the lecture? "My friend is 12 days sober and does not like talking about meetings and recovery because it is boring. Why don't you hurry up and get married and stop talking about recover? don't you even love her?" She did not stand up to her friend and could not since she put those words in her mouth. I dumped her big time in a series of heated e mails about how dare she treat me that way.

In the end, it was me who found an addict and selfish abuse woman and tried to work her program for her. I could easily have seen it a mile off, but I was too wrapped up in it. I am codependent and I still try to change things to be what I want them to be. Ironically, if I had accepted her for who she was, I would have had the strength to reject her. Instead i was too weak to accept who she really was, and would up in a relation ship where I was verbally abused and treated in a condescending manner for almost 3 years.

Thanks for letting me share, you are a part of my recovery and the more you share with others, the better you will be!