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I don't feel like I'm allowed to be upset by anything my boyfriend does. For instance, He pays his half of the bills and he was supposed to have the guy he works with take him to the bank to cash his check so he could give me his share of the bills so, I could go grocery shopping, etc. One of the biggest issues we we is. He doesn't follow up on things, basically he doesn't keep his word. I have repeatedly given him the option not to give me his word or make promised about anything because I'm tired of being let down. This was about the 3rd or 4th thing he hasn't kept his word on this week. I was given the excuse the guy who gives him a ride to work arrived late so he couldn't take him to the bank. He never asked the guy ahead of time and just assumed he could do it. When he got home I told him that I was upset for not doing what he said. I also said because of that I will have to get up early and take him to the bank. I don't sleep well because of my fibromyalgia and my blood sugars have been high so I have to get up frequently. I will now have to get up when I finally am able to sleep to take him to the bank because of this my whole day will be thrown off because I will have to come home and sleep some more otherwise everything flares up. When I told him I was upset for not asking the person if he could actually take him instead of assuming he could, he got really upset with me and said I didn't have a right to make him feel guilty. I don't feel like I'm allowed to express my feelings when I'm upset because lately he has become really mean about it, or it is my fault that he didn't do what he said he would. He recently lost his license because he had been driving on an expire tag. His license was also expired. I let him borrow the money to get the tag which he didn't. He paid me back the following week, but didn't get it. I also let him borrow the money to get an old ticket paid off to get his license back and he hasn't asked anyone for a ride. He treats me like I'm the bad guy. I really just needed to vent. Not sure how much more I can take. He is very irresponsible. He blames it on memory problems due to a head injury. Yet, he writes nothing down and tells me not to be his mother and remind him.. Posted on 04/18/15, 04:10 am
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It sounds like you may need to make a plan to talk to him about some of these issues at a "neutral time," rather than in a moment where you feel like he let you down. When you discuss it, try to focus on "I feel" rather than "you do." I seem to have better luck standing up for myself when I use that approach.
He may be defensive because he realizes that he made a mistake and already feels bad about it. Maybe he feels like you are harsh on him. Only you two know for sure, but swallowing those feelings or treating each other with passive aggression is probably a bad way to handle it.
Just a thought.
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I have friends who have fibromyalgia and I know it takes a lot out of you. The last thing you need is added stress and then being unable to talk about your feelings properly with your partner. It does sound as though your boyfriend isn't good at following through and could be more responsible.
I agree with what Holborn said though, in that your boyfriend probably realises, deep down, that his behaviour isn't OK and is now on the defensive. As a result, his mind and heart are closed off to you and he isn't going to be receptive to what you say to him. Also agree with what Holborn said about focusing how you feel rather than saying anything which might, to him, seem like 'nagging' (even if it's clear that you have good reasons for challenging his behaviour).
I would suggest looking up youtube videos on non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. He's really good at showing you how you can express your feelings to other people and make requests in a way that will encourage receptivity to what you have to say. Also, you may need to try and empathise with your boyfriend first, telling him you understand how much stress he is under, how hard it is with his brain injury etc and get him off the defensive before talking about your own feelings and needs.
The key is, you need to get a message through in a way that won't leave him feeling judged. If he doesn't feel judged negatively (even if it is justified), he is much more likely to be open and will be more willing to work with you.
Love,
Alana
With the extra detail you've added, it sounds as though he really isn't happy in the relationship anymore. How would you feel about just agreeing to him moving out? It seems to me like he doesn't really want to work at the relationship and it does sound as though living together has put a strain on the relationship. Maybe him moving out would be a positive step. I know some other couples who have lived apart either temporarily or permanently and it can be helpful sometimes.
In terms of what you said to him, it sounded perfectly polite to me but you might have more success if you can make your points short and sweet. It also seems to me like emotionally he is withdrawing. This is very, very bad since it means he cares less and less about how you feel about anything and becomes increasingly less likely to respond to anything you say.
Personally, at this stage, if it were me I would probably agree to him moving out. Alternatively, you could try and find a way to emotionally reconnect first, before trying to get him to do anything. This is more difficult but in short, you need to think about what used to make your relationship pleasurable.