Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Tlr22 03/26/2015

I had a relationship for almost 5 years with someone who I've known since childhood. He had a crush on me when we were young but I was with his best friend. We reconnected as adults and ended up in an intense relationship. Sweet story. He was in shock that he finally was with me after all those years and he treated me with such honor and respect, he cherished me.... for the first year.... then I started seeing true colors... avoidance, lies, manipulation. His words did not match his actions... like he was one person one minute and another the other. My counselor suspects he may have a personality disorder. This has been so confusing and painful beyond words. I tried and tried to make it work even after his lack of support, verbal abuse, and infidelity. He has been the first person to cheat on me, that I am aware of anyway. And I always questioned myself, wondering what I could do to make things better. I have never dated or had a relationship with anyone like him. I think it was the childhood connection that roped me in and the rest is history. What a stronghold he has been on my emotions. I have hated myself for even tolerating what he has dished me, let alone continuing to extend my love, kindness, and support not only to him but his children.

I was always the one looking at myself and working on myself, joining CoDA, reading books, counseling. He refused to acknowledge my feelings whenever I had an issue and took little initiative to change his unhealthy behaviors, and in the end he blamed me for everything and said he didn't want to make it work anymore.

We are done now, I have to respect myself. It's the deepest emotional pain I've known. But yet I still see good in him and it pains me not to be able to help him. Crazy. Why can't I just let go?

overwhlemed2015 03/26/2015

I don't have answers for you but wanted you to know I understand completely! I'm in a relationship I know isn't good but I still see good and it's hurting so bad to try and end it. I hope you're able to stay strong and let go and that your pain ends soon! You aren't alone!!

alh2031 03/27/2015

I know exactly how you feel. I put everything I have in my relationships. I feel like I invest every part of me emotionally and physically. I learned to ask for what I want and it hurts when those needs aren't met. I feel so angry that I don't feel that my partner puts in the same amount of effort. I feel like a rat waiting for a piece of cheese even a little crumb. I also feels so angry that I have tolerated that kind of behavior, but it is sooo difficult to walk away from the person you love and that kind of investment. I do understand your pain.

TeelaNa 03/27/2015

You will, please be patient with yourself. He's been a big part of your life, emotionally, physically, mentally, regardless of what he's done or not done. It'll take time for you to grieve the loss of his presence and whatever roles he played and it will take time to redefine your life without him. Fortunately this is a valuable opportunity for growing and becoming who you wish to be on your own. You won't have to worry about making changes and how your significant other will feel or react. Especially with all the knowledge you've gained about yourself in counseling and the tools you have gathered through counseling, CoDA and reading those books. It's like this huge step is poised right in front of you and all you have to do is take another step towards it.

Please show yourself compassion. I believe you will let him go, it just may occur in frustratingly small stages sometimes. You take over a chore here, or do something you like to do that he wouldn't have enjoyed there.

Best wishes and Peace.

CoDaChrome 03/27/2015

Time is your only friend in this situation.....sorry to say it, sounds so cliche' but it is true.

So sorry about your situation....being betrayed by a long time friend who turned into something more must be devastating....just be kind and gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel everything fully and don't dodge those feelings or they will rear their ugly head later in life. There is no time table, no rule book on the feelings...but if you find them impeding your life in a destructive way, that is when it is serious and you may need to get help or worry about it. Letting go is a process that definitely is undefined.....it just happens naturally. But I do find getting involved with my own life and creating things to look forward to helps (traveling, dinner with friends/family, weekend outings, concerts, etc.)

But if you are solely just licking wounds and trying to pick up the pieces, that is a normal place to be and feel so don't question it!

Just to play devils advocate, he may be feeling like he never deserved you to begin with (you didn't choose him first, for all intents and purposes) so he may have become self sabotaging with his behavior. I agree he may have some deep seeded issues that brought this all about, which is not your issue. Not making excuses for him, but shedding some insight so you can ensure you aren't taking on the blame for his actions....at the end of the day feelings and actions are separate. We have a choice in our actions despite how we may feel....so he chose poorly and it is his cross to bare!

Take care of you!! xxoo

Tlr22 03/27/2015

Today, about 24 hours after he said he no longer wanted to work on the relationship, he txt me: "I believe I was wrong in my thinking. I know you may not want to speak with me. But that's not the same for me."

And then forwarded me this:

"Your Sins Are Not Being Recorded
Mar 27, 2015
I once read a comic book which showed how a man lusted after a woman, then died of a heart attack and went to heaven. In heaven, he saw a big screen showing everyone present a recording of all the sins which he had committed while on earth, including the last one. How embarrassing. Hebrews 8:12
For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.

What?! Is he telling me he is forgiving himself or that he is forgiving me for all the things he blamed me for? Either way it's the same old story with him. He's saying nothing of substance here and I refuse to read between the lines or ask any questions. If he wanted to be with me he'd take ownership and make it clear through words and actions as I have done with him. He gets no response. But I have to admit I feel better than I did this time yesterday!

Tlr22 03/27/2015

Thank you everyone for your feedback. It does feel better to know I'm not alone, but my heart goes out to those of you who are experiencing this as well. Time is absolutely the key here... and rationality. A friend of mine from CoDA said once: "I went to the hardware store looking for bread". Silly, right? Who would do that? No one. Clearly she was being sarcastic but it is a saying that has stuck with me ever since. I have to let rationality take over now. I know how his behavior makes me feel, so for as long as he demonstrates that behavior, I will always feel that pain. I dont want to feel that pain, so I need to stay away from him if he's demonstrating the same behaviors. I'm done thinking my love can fix everything and that I can get him healthy. Who am I? That's between him and God. Atleast being alone and in pain I still have a chance at happiness some day. To stay with him and the unhealthy behaviors is like a death sentence. CoDAchrome, we have had some deep conversations over the years about his family and childhood and yes there is alot there that he has chosen to avoid. It's interesting that you mention what I've been thinking recently - that he feels bad about himself and the choices he's made in life and the relationship, and sabotaged the relationship because he doesnt feel worthy of me.

sassybabe11 04/08/2015

Sounds like a personality disorder to me. Stay away and take care of you and stop worrying about him and what makes him tic. As you said it really does not matter and its exhausting trying to figure out someone else and it keeps us from looking at ourselves. I have a friend who has been married for 30 + years and said that she spent so much time trying to figure out this mystical quite man- what made him tic?? what great wisdom did he keep inside?? what deep thoughts he must be thinking and why wont he share?? So you get the gest. After years of marriage she realized that none of this was true and he is basically an empty shell. She loves him and still lives with him but this to me is such a good example of what so many of us do. We find these mates that we think are really special and try to figure them out and help them to figure themselves out and ultimately we find that they really are not that special and deserving of the time and effort that we put into them.

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