I would recommend alanon or Coda meetings plus
your therapy sessions. I think both work well Together.

I believe live alanon or coda meetings will help you a
lot. I just sat and listened, learned, absorbed, cried
For close to two years.

I was in alanon and therapy for 2 years before my ex
left me And i was no longer a doormat by that time
and i could handle the fallout better too. I don't know
if i could have left Him before then. I talked big just
never left him in the last 12 years and they were bad.

Codependency is such a deep emotional issue and
With it comes loads of problems and issues.

We need to retrain and reparent ourselves. We are
Now our own parent. Its hard work and it takes tons
of work To change and to grow into an emotionally
and Spiritually healthy mature adult.

Most of us that end up with toxic people are like this, have
the Same family of origin issues of addiction, dysfunction,
abuse, codependency And some times narcissism. We find
what we know and what we will put up with.

You have suffered long enough, when you get strong
Enough you will learn how to set strong boundaries and
Detach from her. Any bully, abuser or emotional manipulator
Their purpose in life is to not hear or see you. They never will
So you need to self protect from all the bad guys. They sniff
You Out and look for Vulnerable kind people to bully and abuse.

This can be a long hard journey and road i have been in recovery
Since 2012 and i am barely scratching the surface of my own
Codependency issues. My ex and i come from like backgrounds
And both have abusive mothers. We gravitated to each other.

My mother is a narc and i use strong boundaries, she hates
Boundaries they do not apply to people like her. The But is if
she Wants a relationship she has to tow the line. NO is a complete
Sentence and do not take any BS or let them push your buttons.
Family is hard no matter what, the buttons and dynamics are
Old and ingrained in us. HUGS

I would advise that you start with journaling . Learn research all you can about codependency and apply it to your life , as there's too much issues to mention it's great that your in therapy as I think it's difficult to recover without support if you're at rock bottom the way I was .

There's no specific time frame in which you will recover it's a journey it is like peeiling an onion once you get in there . .. unfortunately there is no quick fix but every small step you will take
Will be worth it .

I started around 9 months ago and I also have soo much to work on but I have come such a long way before that I knew I had codependent traits but I was still in denial and not making much active changes . . Everyone has there own journey for me i started reading and researching I'm quite good at absorbing and recalling information then trying to apply it to my life but I was stil having difficulties applying it to my life I had to go into therapy I haven't tried 12 step groups .

I will modify my post. Therapy does work but many times
It does not go deep enough, IMO.

The reason i said that to OP was her old post goes back
To 2014 with the same issues with this same friend. And
She is in therapy some people can not move forward
Without the group support of others even then there
Is no guaranty they can do it.

I have one friend she was in celebrate recovery and it
Did not touch her codie issues. She would not come out
Of denial. She did therapy, divorce care and some alanon.

It was not enough she ended right back with her narc. She
Even went so far as to marry him and get another house.
Now he dumped her again and stuck her with a house
And no money again. I hope she learns this time, she has
tons of Celebrate recovery under her belt. HUGS

Yes you are right I read her previous post I would advise going to 12 step groups . Tbh with you my therapist doesn't mention anything about codependency even when I suggest it it's like she's not aware fully of the issue she gives me tools and insight to live more functionally but through my own work I'm figuring it out .... :/

Salina, i think you are doing great, you are
Young and doing the work. I wish i stayed
With my therapy or even alanon. I was not
Ready for alanon really. I went a few times
but i Knew i needed to dig into me more.

When i went to therapy in my 20's it helped
Me deal and cope with my narc mother and
I could detach. I moved away to where we
Had a cottage it helped me and i reinvented
myself.

Then a few years later i met my ex and we
Married. Wrong, i should have stayed my course
Of fixing myself and getting better and healthier
and not Marrying him. I was about your age and
he was Dry before we married.

I loved my husband, he just was not a healthy
choice for The long term after having had a narc
for a mother. I Needed lots of recovery first even
though my biological clock Was ticking at 28.

I thought we would make it, i thought we had
His disease beat. Wrong he is a dry drunk with
Narc traits and he was okay for the first 10 + years.
HUGS

You were married for very long time , the main thing is that you are in recovery and having faith in a higher power does help deal with the pain .... we can't let the past hold us back even though it hurts and there's anger sadness and regrets .... once you know better you do better .

Wow thank you for responding, I can't believe you'd seen my original post and that it was 2014!! This has given me a lot to think about and it really does help just talking to people that understand the situation. The therapy does help if only for the fact that it gives me someone to tell the truth to, as I will not admit to anyone in my real life.. She reminds me that I am not a bad person or have done anything drastically wrong. But I never feel like I am changing from it or being able to change the cycle of behaviours, so the insight about working on myself I will definately take on board. I am not sure about attending meetings as I can't even go anywhere without telling my friend and I don't know what I would tell her i am doing :( the only reason she thinks I'm in therapy is to be working on my issues that make me a bad person and treat her so horribly. But I hope you are both doing well and I am inspired to hear from people in recovery :)

That woman is scary, what is she a narc or a sociopath?
Was either of your parents narcs? Addicts? Most of the
Time we were already groomed, now you have her.

I just looked back when you had posted. I am glad you
Are in therapy. You might need womens aid/shelter or
Something stronger to get you out of her control. You
Can get addicted or bonded to your abuser.

The no contact was designed for abuse victims so they
Can heal and not get retraumatized. You need to be safe
To feel safe.

I am no contact with my ex except thru the mail. Its been
Two years post divorce, i moved out of town too after living
There for 30 years. Sometimes you just need to do what
You have to, to heal yourself. It was his home town and tons
Of his family. HUGS

I don't want to come across insensitive but I literally laughed out loud at what Miranda wrote because she does sound scary !

Sounds like a very enmeshed relationship I think to need to dig into your past to figure your codependency issues out all the best .

When you have a narc for a mother you get what Its
about. Its all about "mind games and control" my ex
was a real peach even at the end compared to my
mother.

My mother never Changed she even was in alanon
for over 20+Years. She might have been better during
those years but the games never changed and she wanted
To be Enmeshed as much as possible and she was big
into micro managing and being controlling she still is.

She would try to Pit one against other, us children were just
pawns to be used and moved Around. She still the same way
not as Sharp now that she is on opiates.

I hope you can somehow Get strong enough to get away
from her. You have your whole Life ahead of you. Do not
Waste it on a nasty bully and abuser.

Seek recovery just for you and dump all bullys, abusers
and bad guys. You are better off alone for awhile till You
heal enough and get better and stronger. In alanon you
can heal from the inside out. Its Hard Work but well worth
it and i am very happy you are in therapy.

Its funny now, dysfunctional people set my teeth on edge,
I can not take being around them for long or my serenity
suffers and then my anxiety and stress kicks in. HUGS

Thanks guys :) I know she has no actual control over me and that it is all in my head. The irony is logically I don't even think there is anything she could do if I did walk away, and it's not the physical aspect I'm afraid of, it's the mental control. She has Conditioned me that if I step out of line, I get shouted at, so i try very hard to stay on her good side, but it never seems to last more than a week. There have been times I've thought of moving away to live with my nan but aside from the Codependancy Im pretty settled in life, have a good job, lovely housemates, so I don't really want to uproot all that. I just get tired of my life being constantly controlled and walking on eggshells. But I will try and work on my self development and make the most of my therapy to get and get the strength to get out of this situation.
But no, there's no drugs or alcohol involved. She has migraines and anxiety and has pushed away everyone else in her life so that's why she has become so dependant on me and projects her issues on to me to. I was never that close with my family and met her when I was feeling very vulnerable in my teenage years which is why I think I developed such a deep rooted attachment...

I have a feeling the OP was already conditioned
Or she would not have put up with this friend
Behaving in such a sick abusive manner for as
Long as she has.

This sick friend has major mental healthy issues
Outside of just anxiety and headaches. She is a bully
and an abuser. They never will change unless they
seek help and Want to and often that takes a long
Long time if ever.

Thats what abusers do to control you, who else would
put Up with them. Toxic people do not find emotionally
Healthy stable friends.. Normal people would tell them
to get lost and stay lost.

Family you are stuck with not much choice who or
What they are. Friends we put up with or not put up
With. The Healthier and stronger the OP gets the less
control This sick abuser friend will have.

Seek recovery in Coda or alanon to get strong and stop
Being a doormat. Doormats attracts bullies, abusers and
Other bad Guys until you heal the codependent deep
Inside. Glad you are in therapy you do need more help
Though to break this bond to your abuser.

Often even therapists that are codependent need to heal
That part of themselves or they just find another narc/addict
with a different hat on. HUGS

I haven't trained her at all. If anything we developed these patterns of behavior together. It worked in the begining, she was the bossy one and I am laid back so we fit well together. This is not to say in the begining I used to have a voice. I do have wants and needs. But after years of finding that whenever I did express them, becuase of the forecrullness of her personality and my willingness to compromise to make other people happy, it became easier to just do things her way, to do what she wanted. And yes I do go to bed at night and think this is my own fault, I can see so many forks in my path when I could have gone in a different direction, and didn't. In stead I let things build up and build up until i have reached the point she has almost total control over me, or at least, in my mind she does. But how do you overcome this? I can't just snap my fingers and make it go away.
A few days ago we fell out, and my counceller saw it as an opportunity for me to end the friendship. I did try. It was traumatic. She didn't see my attempt as serious, but that I was having some sort of mental breakdown and that she was worried about me. I even had her family messaging me worried. I couldn't do it, I couldn't go through with it, the response to what i did was overwhelming. We talked things out and I am hoping we can maybe help to heal each other. But when I left her house last night at 4.30 am after hours of her talking to me, I had a full blown panic attack, which has never happened to me before and it was an awful experience :( I have a feeling the reprocussions of the last few days will have some sort of affect though so hopefully they will be good.

Please stay with your therapist to help you learn ways
To cope And just to help you move forward and away
From your friend.

You are a codie and your Friend is an bully/abuser
or an emotional Manipulator. That will not stop in my
opinion as long as you hand over the reins to her.

Many codies on here have been there with someone else.
Never Hand over your power to anyone else never mind a
sick abusive unhealthy person

The best you can do right now is start to learn what is
Healthy and stop any and all dysfunctional Behaviors,
Thoughts and actions. That going to take you awhile.
You two have a very enmeshed unhealthy relationship.

Abusive dysfunctional families create codependents

Go to CODA/alanon meetings they will be very helpful
For you even just to listen and learn at this point.

I have been in recovery for this disease since 2012 And
you are not much different than many that Have this
Problem. Low self esteem, self worth, No self love, people
pleaser, enabler, the list of Stuff goes on and on. If you
Had those things you would not allow this to keep going
On with her.

Take care of you not your friend, listen to your therapist
And seek recovery. It is a long hard road to emotional
And spiritual wellness. HUGS

Tbh I still think you are stuck in denial even though you may realise you are codependent you're not ready to actually believe it and make changes . This is just my opinion from reading all the posts .