I left my narcissist bf a few months ago, I have a baby by him it's the hardest thing I ever did to walk away. I struggle so much with the feelings I still have for him but he has hurt me in so many ways. Please be kind to yourself and know that this isn't your fault, I know you are placing responsibility on yourself for choosing to stay with your gf but I can imagine you stay secretly hoping she will change and maybe still in denial as to the true nature of the disorder.

Sorry I don't want to put feelings on you that you may not have, I just know that I stayed for the above reasons in a bad place for way too long. If it were not for my daughter I couldn't have left, he made cruel remarks about her she is a baby and I feared he would physically hurt her as his jealousy became immense after she was born.

Therapy helps, I have had counselling since Jan and it has made me see that this isn't love, the narcissist doesn't love. I hope you find some peace soon, once you are out of the idealisation stage there is devaluation and eventually discard. If she is a true narcissist she will always follow the pattern. Sending strength.

Thanks very much for the kind words, strengthinadversity.
I think I'm already in the devaluation stage. I don't feel like I wan't to be with her at all. I just haven't been able to abandon her yet. I'm currently focusing on her behaviour to see if she is changing and how much respect she shows me. I'm not happy with what I see.
It was very brave from you to leave him, especially because you have a child. I wish you all the best!

I have read both your posts with interest... I am in a co-dependent relationship with someone that displays NPD traits. I have been in this relationship for almost 3 and half years. The last 2 years have been really difficult. I have spent so much energy trying to control the relationship and allow myself to be treated in an unacceptable way. I have read two books recently that have help me immensely one is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood and "Narcissistic Lovers" by Cynthia Zayn & Kevin Dibble.

The bottom line in both these books is about changing the focus, realising that the specialness that you felt at the beginning of the relationship is a construct of the other person who wants to hook you in. It's not real love...its about their neediness and only they can change that. Like we can only change ourselves and what we expect and deserve. We have to learn to fill our own voids (our neediness) - the one that we expect our partners to fill. These relationships are not healthy or balanced. The question we have to ask ourselves is do we deserve better? Its about being brave enough to let go. To quote Melody Beattie when considering change. "Where we are dropped off is far better that where we were picked up." Have hope and courage....

It's difficult b/c if it's a legitimate "illness," then it's hard not to feel guilty if they really can't help it. Like, you wouldn't leave someone if they get cancer...

Still, there's only so much you can stand.

Sometimes, I think labels are the worst b/c it sometimes excuse the inexcusable. And if they don't officially have a disorder, then what.

It's a slippery slope, but it all comes down to if you are being drained and they aren't filling your tank back up, it's time to leave.

It's going to end, sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. I just need to work more on letting go. God, please help me!

I would recommend counselling, seek out a therapist who has some knowledge of NPD, be prepared to hear what you don't want to. I found it hard and still do at times but all you are in love with is their toxicity, it doesn't get better only worse. I lost alot in my relationship, I find it hard now to see who I was before but I'm getting there slowly but surely. A good book was recommended to me called 'The Empathy Trap', it is very helpful. Lally G there is a 'women who love too much group' on here which is excellent if you are interested. There is also a narcissist survivor group which has helped me immensely.

Yes I agree with Strengthinadversity find a suitable counsellor that understand relationship issues... It is never easy to look in the mirror and our part in toxic relationships but until we do we will keep making similar mistakes... I will certainly look for the group you mentioned Strengthinadversity. I am finding this forum so helpful, when ever I feel like I want to do something to control my relationship or I feel anxious about what is happening I change the focus and read through the discussion boards. It gives me hope and inspiration. Thank You.

Thanks for the advice. I've tried CODA meetings. That's not for me. I don't like talking to people without getting response. But I will definitelly look up the book.
Been to couples' counselling twice and I'm starting therapy today, which I expect to be very helpful. Couples' counselling hasn't been useful as my gf keeps blaming me for everything and I can't see her changing. SO I just focus on myself and making me able to leave her.

I've been married for nearly 15 yrs. For awhile I thought I was codependent (still a likely possiblity) I'm not sure if my spouse is a narc (also a likely possiblity) I argue with myself about it often honestly.. But the bottomline is where is the bottomline? I can't heal in the middle of his chaos. So regardless of what label he wears I need the space to do that.

Bal01 - There is another group o DS called Narcissist Trauma survivors group... that group has helped me a lot on how to get over... Most of them recommend a NO CONTACT ... I was in a relationship with Narcissist for 3 years ended up with 2 court cases for 50000$ and health problems.. Finally when i got rid of him good things started happening to me ... Its surprising how much negative energy I felt when i was around him.