I do not like that definition of codependency, and it is not accurate.

A better definition which I like is in this link below:

https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/codependency-definition/

A bigger obstacle is that we each and all really need to find out where we fit in and how to treat our self because the shoe does not fit every foot.

Welcome to this group.

I think what you listed is a type of co-dependency.....co-dependency has many layers and basically means that you and how you identify yourself or make decisions is entangled in someone else......whether there is abuse or not.

But it sounds like you are comfortable volunteering for that, so I don't really understand if you are having an issue or not. Or maybe the issue is your wife doesn't want to have to do all these things by herself and wants you to pull your weight. I mean I am sure we would all like to check out on life and have someone else run the show while we just sit back and let it all happen.....

I guess I am not sure what to name your condition other than the 'Lazy Bones Jones' HAHAHA ;)

Take care of you!!

I don't feel like I relate to that definition of codependency. I'm the type of codependent who loses my identity and has difficulty setting boundaries when I'm in a relationship. I take on the interests of the person I'm with, even if it's something I'm not terribly interested in. Like CoDa mentioned, I make decisions regarding my own life based on the person I'm with and what they might think about it. I'm the kind that will let them treat me terribly because I'm afraid of being abandoned. I CAN be a fixer, but not usually in romantic relationships.

So I think there are all kinds of codependents.

Forget about the label for a second- how is your marriage? Are you both happy? What do you bring to the table?

If it works for both of you and she feels sustained by you, then who cares?

I work a "regular" job. My husband is a stay at home dad. He's working on establishing his own business. I am the main money bags. He takes care of our son during the day/week. He works some nights and weekends. I was getting burned out and frustrated for a while, but he started doing more at home. He pays all the bills. (I'm very bad at that, lol!) I cook; he does the laundry. Sex? What's that, again? I know it happened, since we have a son, but dang!

BUT, we love and respect each other. We communicate. He supports me emotionally, which is the MOST important and feels SO good. When I'm sad, he's learned to sympathize with me. When he doesn't meet my needs, I don't take it personally, and I just look to myself to meet them. It's give and take. It's constantly a dance and negotiation. It's an art and a skill to have a healthy marriage. You need to see where they end and you begin. Where do you function as individuals, and when are you a unit? And how does a higher power govern it all?

That, my friend, is a marriage. Learn the difference between interdependence and codependency.

Took me a loooong time to figure that out. We're only 5 years into this thing, but we're getting better all the time...

Hope my perspective helps.

Thank you, everyone, for the comments and advice. It definitely seems there is a laziness factor at work here. I'm in a comfort zone that I don't want to get out of. Overall, my marriage is good. My wife and I are supportive of each other and we love and respect each other. She does have some physical problems that limit what she is able to do. This affects some areas of our lives including sex. Every now and then there are times when she needs to be taken care of and I'm just unable to do it. I'm such a terrible caretaker that that alone could disqualify me from being codependent.

There's a particularly heavy burden on my wife because she's living with a husband who has severe depression which has proven very difficult to treat. Like you, Deli, she works full-time and is the breadwinner in the family. So are we happy? A better description might be that we're content. I do need to point out that over the years I've come to realize that I'm afraid to let myself get too intimate with her emotionally. I always seem to need a certain amount of emotional distance between us. That, of course, is one of the traits of codependency.

Now, on the subject of codependency, I need to add a little more and go a little deeper. There are some things that happened during my childhood, some of my earliest memories, that I believe have created some problems in my adult life. In my first post I mentioned the traits of codependency that I do not have. Now allow me to mention the characteristics that I DO have, according to the literature on the subject. I,

1. Have difficulty identifying my feelings.

2. Deny my feelings.

3. Have difficulty making decisions.

4. Judge my thoughts, words and actions harshly, as never being good enough, and blame myself entirely if something goes wrong even if blame should be shared with someone else.

5. Am embarrassed to receive recognition or praise.

6. Am unable to ask other people to meet my needs or wants, and won't tell those around me if I'm in physical distress or pain.

7. I value other peoples' approval of me over my own self-approval.

8. Don't really perceive myself as very lovable or worthwhile.

9. Years ago I remained in a harmful and emotionally abusive marriage far too long.

10. Place a higher value on others' opinions and feelings, and am afraid to express differing viewpoints or feelings.

11. Had a very difficult time living alone when I had to do so.

So there are a number of problems that strongly suggest codependency. I don't like these traits and I'm not happy with them, so I'm soliciting advice and counsel from all in this group who are willing to share. Thank you again for your replies.

WOW...you just described 11/11 of my "attributes". I can relate to the depression, too, and I'm just coming out of my holiday fog. Seems like every Nov and Dec I spiral down--whether it's PTS from childhood, or just heavy shitty memories (and there WERE some good ones believe me...) that always included alcohol and mental illness with family members...FUN times....I have to put humor in some of this since it gets too heavy.

So you've identified some of the things about yourself and your marriage--that's GREAT! Action can mean one baby step at a time....that's about all I can handle right now. Keep writing!

Free, it's nice to know someone else feels what I'm feeling. Nov and Dec are bad months for me, too, and I get into a mental fog just like you do. Christmas never really seems like Christmas to me, and it hasn't for years. I'm only now starting to see more clearly again as we leave the darkest part of winter behind. I hope you're coming out of your fog as well and that your days are getting brighter.

Thanks for the nice thoughts...yes I am feeling better, and I just changed jobs which will really help, too. I got onto this site about a week ago mainly because I have been trying to let go of my boyfriend. I can't even call him that because he is so busy with his work, travels a lot, weekends with his kids....and always having a bad day--what a great partner for me ! LOL I am a good co-dependent and was a good support, listener,always trying to cheer him up...

ANYway, I have fought similar issues over my lifetime. but somehow this relationship was a wing-dinger. I can't say my marriage was co-dependent per se, just really F'ed up after he started drinking more...I guess I was always making excuses for him in some ways.

I feel like I'm just babbling....I said to another member here a few days ago that usually we don't continue behaviors or a relationship unless there's something in it for us...whether destructive or not--I guess what was in it for me here with this guy was I felt needed--it was okay that it was all about him for awhile, then the one sided thing got tiring and I needed more....but breaking it off...AHhhh....the abandonment issue is huge for me, and every time I want to call (we texted a lot, actually...the real intimate way of communicating.....lol) I go on this site to read about feelings I can relate to---

Day at a time, sometimes minutes....we will get healthier DAMN IT!!

Well, I can tell you that I hated living alone and not having someone special in my life. I imagine you feel that way, too. Just try to do what you know is best for you. I hope the new job will work out well and be really good for you. Hang in there and stay in touch with us.

This describes some of what you're saying:

Dependent Personality Disorder

A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others

Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life

Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: Do not include realistic fears of retribution.

Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)

Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant

Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself

Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends

Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

Oh, man! You nailed it on 7 out of 9! For number 10 just add "EMDGP7 is a totally helpless wreck" and I swear you would be really close on that one. I'm really glad you put this up here because I really needed to read it. I'm not kidding around, either. These attributes are very real problems for me. When my depression takes a downhill dive, the attributes get even worse. The question I have now is how do you treat Dependent Personality Disorder? With CoDa, or does it take more than just that? Somebody help me out here.