Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I'm codependent. Yup, that's me. I think I have been my entire life. As far back as I can remember my life has been plagued by anxiety and depression. I have made myself a victim of life, and am recently coming to terms with that and taking ownership of my happiness. In retrospect I see that the majority of my life choices and lifestyles chices have been fueled by an urge to relieve, to escape, the nagging anxiety living in me. The choices I'm talking about are things like: a teenage suicide attempt, staying in toxic relationships, living in toxic living situations, and dropping out of school. On the bright side, my impulsive drive to escape and relieve anxiety has resulted in a life of great adventure and exploration. I grew up in what I think was an abusive household (although, there is a lot of gas lighting that happens in my family. so sometimes I question if maybe I'm making it all up or exagerating. Part of my problem is questioning the reality of my perceptions). I had food, water, shelter, but my home was a warzone between my parents. My dad once told me, sobbing, after a particularily nasty fight, that the only reason they were together was because of me. I'm the oldest, and my parents were raised catholic. When I was conceived, even though their relationship wasn't waorking they had to get married, so they thought. The real problem was my mom. I don't really know what is wrong with her. But from what I have taken the time to learn about psychological disorders, she has narcissitic personality disorder. In short, she would scream and yell and throw things over spilt milk. In effect, at 24 years old I still struggle with standing up for myself, speaking, and grounding myself in reality. I get upset about things that people tell me, and afterwards ask myself if that was something a normal person would be hurt by. Sometimes I know the answer. Somtimes it's yes, sometimes no. A lot of the time, I don't know because I never learned.The abusive relationships have not stopped with my mom. I have had disfunctional and toxic relationship after another. Some with true assholes, some with nice guys. In part I think that I create toxic situations. I constantly need verbal validation that I am loved by the person that I am with. I am insecure and negative. Sometimes I say terrible horrible things. Sometimes I get belligerantly drunk and weepy or even aggressive. Othertimes though, the guy that I'm with is truly an unprovoked asshole to me. I say "guy I'm with" not because I am with anyone currently (i am actually semi single for one of the longest stints in my adult life), but because the same situation seems to be repeating itself over and over and over again. Obviously it is my creation and responsibility. I want to learn how to stop this pattern. Also, I don't really have friends. Not because I am not likeable, but because I don't know how. Maybe because I've always been in a romantic relationship that I devot all of my time and energy to.A bit over a year ago my live in boyfriend moved to a different continent, with the intention of me following. We had been together nearly two years, and fought nearly every day. I knew that I did not want to be with him. I had tried to leave him. But I did not know how to be alone. And to me being alone meant being utterly alone day in and day out, not only being alone romantically. To me I saw not being with him as having not friends or family, noone who cared about me. So I had stayed, because in my heart I guess i felt the explosive fighting was better than being with my thoughts and feeling the abandonment that had lived in me since childhood. I even tried to arrange to meet up with him. I felt he didn't take me seriously. I don't know if that is true or my feelings. He told me he would come to me wherever I went, which I know is true. The last conversation we had as a couple he hung up on me, saying that I was too negative. It is true that I was being negative. Basically a day later I started dating another guy. I know it was wrong. I knew I was in no emotional space to be in a new relationship. But he was so handsome and nice, and the real kicker was that he took care of me and gave me nice gifts. Shortly thereafter I got an eviction notice, and was glad of it because I had been living in a hell hole. I didn't know how to take care of myself. I wanted to, but really didn't know how and didn't know what I was going to do. New boyfriend, who I was madly in love with even though it had only been a few months, invited me to move in. I said no, because I knew it was a majorly unhealthy decision, and I ended up doing it anyways. We were in honeymoon love, and it was bliss. Then things began to deteriorate. In large part I think it was because I would complain a lot, and I was depressed every day. He tried to break up with me because my heart was too heavy for him to carry and I think he's a bit codependent too, then we talked it out and things were good. Overall, we never really fought (even to this day), and communicated well. Then my sister came for a visit. I'm not sure if it is true or not, but I felt like they were against me and dissagreeing with everything I said or did, unitedly. I brought it up and it was denied, or I was gaslighted. I'm not sure. What I am sure of was that one night I got beligerantly drunk and terrible to both of them. Eventually, I am sure that this outbreak of mine was the cause of him breaking up with me a second time. Although, he tried a little bit before that. But I think that he saw that I wasn't changing, or making efforts to overcome the anxiety and depression and insecurity that lead to such outbreaks, or to my daily unhappiness. It was around this time that he asked me to move out. Me crying, him seeming not to bat an eye. I moved into a great house with a great roommate down the road. A short ammount of time passed, he and I began hooking up, hanging out, and kind of dating, and this time he had started to become meaner and say things about intentions to sleep with other girls. He asked me to a work function with him, I got beligerantly drunk and insecure and pissed him off. I don't remember it all, but I was going to stay at his house, but he ended up basically escorting me out telling me to leave.Since then we have hooked up, and hung out. But it isn't healthy, I know. And he's mean to me now. I can see how he wouldn't respect me.I would like to learn how to stop perpetuating these kinds of relationships and have healthy ones. I would like to be able to even recognize what people I could have healthy relationships with. I keep reading things about going no contact. That's not an option. I live on an island, in a small community. This guy is my close neighbor and will be for the forseeable future.I don't really have any particular questions or anything, but that is the gist of some of my story. Any guidance is appreciated.
You wrote a really comprehensive entry, giving a clear idea of the situation.
I can actually identify with a lot of what you are saying. It sounds like your anxiety and insecurity are brought on by choosing partners who are afraid of intimacy. You sense this, and you react. It sounds like you will hold a lot in because you are afraid of rejection/abandonment if you are honest about your feelings, and then it explodes when it reaches a certain point. Then you try to make things better, but the person you are with, because he doesn't know how to give of himself or think outside of his own needs, is unable to understand what your needs are.
It sounds like you have insecure/anxiety attachment disorder, and that you are attracted to those with avoidant/dismissive attachment disorder. There is usually a strong attachment between these two, but 99% of the time it doesn't work out. Plus, if the insecure/anxious styled person is able to become secure, he/she won't put-up with the avoidant/dismissive's inability to form intimacy, and they will leave the relationship in order to find another person who has a secure attachment style.
Regardless, the only type of person who an anxious/insecure style person can hope to have a positive/proactive relationship with is a secure style person.
Given your family of origin it's no wonder you experience what you do. You are very honest with yourself, though, and you are not in denial as you reflect on life. You are self-aware; the avoidant/dismissive person has little possibility of ever changing, however. Therefore, your chances of developing a more secure style of attachment are possible--it would involve avoiding avoidant-dismissive people, of course, because they are simply psychologically unhealthy and someone with secure attachment style has no need in their lives for that sort of thing.
Have you ever read the book "Women Who Love Too Much"? it was an epiphany for me. I'm far from being at the zenith of emotional health, but I've come a long way, and still have a ways to go.
Take care.
Artgrrl
Thanks so much for your response. It really is a breath of fresh air to reach out about this and have a positive response, rather than essentially being told "buck up and get over it". Because honestly, I'm trying, and it's not as simple as just getting over it. Although of course I wish it were. The biggest obstacle to getting to a healthy emotional place is recognizing my negative patterns, because they are all normal, especially since the way I grew up normalized toxic relationships, and therefor my relationships have followed suit. I've started a daily mood/positive things I do for myself log. It's kind of like a food log. It really helps to have tangible evidence of what I have done, what works and what isn't working.
I think you a very right about the attachment style patterns. What things have you done, or would you recommend to do to become a more secure attachment style person? I feel like insecure attachment is a double edged sword and perpetuates itself in my life.
I have not read the book. But I will. Thank you very much for your insight!
I'm still learning all of this myself. My own relationship has been going through some testing and I was trying to wrap my head around what the issues were. I found some good links--I'll try to find them on the other support group I belong to. Basically, he's a narcissist and to be brutally honest with myself I'd say I'm a sycophant (a yes-man/doormat). When I step out of this role and demand respect (get fed-up and lose it) our relationship experiences upheavals. Then there'll be this settling period where he somewhat gives a little (though extremely minimal compared to the compromises I do to help the relationship succeed), and the cycle starts all over again.
So right now I'm trying to do some serious work on myself to be more selfish on a regular basis, and I'm working at getting in the mental place where I am ok with speaking my mind, and not worrying about abandonment or conflict that might ensue if I do.