Since I couldn't share at my CODA meeting last night.. I get shy and then when I was finally ready I couldn't get a chance.. So I will post it here.. I have more to say but I will make other thread for that on lunch..


Things I am noticing about myself.
Controlling, I never realized that is why I get so hurt, offended or angry at people its because they arent reacting to me in the way that I want or feel like I need them to. I need to just accept that people are going to react or say whatever they feel is right to them. I cant control that. I need to give people a break and let them be them and not let their reactions or non reactions effect me so much. Right away I go into they dont care, they dont understand and in an effort to get that control back I shut them out, but maybe they dont care or maybe they dont understand but it doesnt mean that my feelings dont matter. It doesnt mean that they dont care about me or understand me maybe its just the situation. Other people arent always going to care or understand its up to me to be strong enough to expect that there are some things I am going to have to go thru alone. Thats life. Not everyone understands every part of your journey. People are going thru their own crap that might make them not really care at the moment about my stuff. And thats ok. Because when I look back there were there a lot of the times there were there so I need to focus on that.
I am very insecure. I only notice it when I am in love. I have an ex who lives out of state, who I will actually be going to see this weekend for a week. With him I am seeing all of my faults even more so. I always had them but now its just in my face. I met him 2 years ago thru mutual friends and I cant seem to let him go. I went from I am never talking to him again to calling him and now going to see him. I believe there is a purpose for everyone that comes into your life, with him he is helping me without knowing it to change to be better person. Hes a mess too, we both have issues with intimacy but I am seeing mine so clearly. He makes or relationships in general really make me so insecure. Its like I am just waiting for them to move on to someone better than me. I get needy, and jealous, if they do anything out of the ordinary I start to imagine all this stuff I dont normally say anything about it but it eats me up inside. It sucks and its why I would always rather be single and to be honest I kinda hate relationships. But I want to change that. And it starts with my sense of self worth and self esteem. So I figure since I cant seem to stay away from him. I will stop running and find a way to fix my issues with him so that I can be better and less annoying in relationships in the future. So when I start to imagine all these things he may or may not be doing, or thinking or whatever. I stop. I say to myself youre being insecure what he does not affect my happiness. Oh so he didnt call when he normally does it does not mean he forgot about me or is talking to someone else or he doesnt love me anymore. It means he is busy or if he is talking to someone else, who cares. One we arent together two if I am going to be in a healthy relationship I need to trust the person I am with and know that if they love me they wont lie or cheat because they value me and our relationship enough, and if they do then it wasnt true and I will move on and still be ok. I look for and do positive affirmations when I feel needy or jealous or insecure and it seems to help. I know it not going to be easy all the time but if I stay strong and focused I can beat this insecurity because it a pain for everyone involved, esp me.