Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
On Saturday after grocery shopping, by husband wanted to go by someone's else, so sort of has a BYOB shed, where the villagers meet up on the weekend.
I opened the door to this place, and was greeted by a haze of cigarette smoke, which effects my asthma poorly, so I left the door open for about 2 minutes, until the fog would disappate.
"Close the f++++++ door, damn it!" the woman at the back of the room growled.
I could see she was in an argumentative mood. I didn't need to even say hello, or say, "Wazzup, or how ya'all doing?", because she had a chip on her shoulder. No wonder. Her ex-boyfriend was their flirting in front of her face without any shame or consideration.
"I SAID CLOSE THE F++++++ DOOR!" she yelled.
"Okay!" I said, and did an about face, and left. Got in the car and drove home. I knew the hubby would try to talk me out of it, and make me endure their company for the sake of being polite.
I knew she wasn't really angry with me. It was just another shitty day in her on little dysfunctional alcoholic life, so I wasn't even getting upset.
But like a lightening bolt, I thought, I didn't have to endure rudeness. I thought, "Why must I be polite to people who are rude to me?" Of course sometimes, I do endure this in the form of employment. I get paid for being nice to customers on the phone. But I wasn't getting paid here. So suddenly I thought, "Hey! I don't have to put up with this crap! Not even for a whole minute!" And out the door I went - I didn't have to open a bottle a beer to make this kind of rudeness barely tolerable. I didn't have to tolerate it. And I didn't have to explain it, either.
The husband, of course was unhappy, and ranted when he came home, because he had drunk alcohol, and I had none, so I thought it was better I drove the car home. He had to walk 200 yards home (downhill) and was pissed off no end.
I told him to eat lunch when he got home, and to take a nap, and we would talk about it later. He give me a lot of verbal abuse, but I ignored it, while I was writing something on the computer.
Then I found out about 3 hours later why he was so upset. She abused him verbally and insulted him. "See..." I said, "I knew instinctively she would do this. That is why I choose to leave immediately. I don't need this on my day off."
"Yeah, but why didn't you take me with you?" he whined.
"Because you would have told me to just ignore it to be polite, and I can't ignore it. I didn't need that from her, because I have no contracts with her. So I left. She is not my sister, not my partner, not my friend, and by God's Own Will, not my lover. So there is absolutely no reason to attempt to reason with her, or try to work out some sort of compromise. There is absolutely no sense in forcing myself to be polite, when she feels I have to, but she doesn't."
"She insulted me the whole time", he said morosely.
"Well, now you know why I left. I didn't tell you, because I knew you would have told me, 'oh, just be polite and be nice'. I don't have to - she's not important to me enough to even make the effort."
"Okay", he said. "Next time take me with you. I don't like it either."
I opened the door to this place, and was greeted by a haze of cigarette smoke, which effects my asthma poorly, so I left the door open for about 2 minutes, until the fog would disappate.
"Close the f++++++ door, damn it!" the woman at the back of the room growled.
I could see she was in an argumentative mood. I didn't need to even say hello, or say, "Wazzup, or how ya'all doing?", because she had a chip on her shoulder. No wonder. Her ex-boyfriend was their flirting in front of her face without any shame or consideration.
"I SAID CLOSE THE F++++++ DOOR!" she yelled.
"Okay!" I said, and did an about face, and left. Got in the car and drove home. I knew the hubby would try to talk me out of it, and make me endure their company for the sake of being polite.
I knew she wasn't really angry with me. It was just another shitty day in her on little dysfunctional alcoholic life, so I wasn't even getting upset.
But like a lightening bolt, I thought, I didn't have to endure rudeness. I thought, "Why must I be polite to people who are rude to me?" Of course sometimes, I do endure this in the form of employment. I get paid for being nice to customers on the phone. But I wasn't getting paid here. So suddenly I thought, "Hey! I don't have to put up with this crap! Not even for a whole minute!" And out the door I went - I didn't have to open a bottle a beer to make this kind of rudeness barely tolerable. I didn't have to tolerate it. And I didn't have to explain it, either.
The husband, of course was unhappy, and ranted when he came home, because he had drunk alcohol, and I had none, so I thought it was better I drove the car home. He had to walk 200 yards home (downhill) and was pissed off no end.
I told him to eat lunch when he got home, and to take a nap, and we would talk about it later. He give me a lot of verbal abuse, but I ignored it, while I was writing something on the computer.
Then I found out about 3 hours later why he was so upset. She abused him verbally and insulted him. "See..." I said, "I knew instinctively she would do this. That is why I choose to leave immediately. I don't need this on my day off."
"Yeah, but why didn't you take me with you?" he whined.
"Because you would have told me to just ignore it to be polite, and I can't ignore it. I didn't need that from her, because I have no contracts with her. So I left. She is not my sister, not my partner, not my friend, and by God's Own Will, not my lover. So there is absolutely no reason to attempt to reason with her, or try to work out some sort of compromise. There is absolutely no sense in forcing myself to be polite, when she feels I have to, but she doesn't."
"She insulted me the whole time", he said morosely.
"Well, now you know why I left. I didn't tell you, because I knew you would have told me, 'oh, just be polite and be nice'. I don't have to - she's not important to me enough to even make the effort."
"Okay", he said. "Next time take me with you. I don't like it either."
Also, just b/c you're polite to a rude person doesn't make you pathetic...it makes you a polite person. You don't have to get down on their level. :)
~C
As the Germans say, "I have no contracts and no relations with her, so there is no need to uphold a fictive relationship."
I live in a rather toxic environment, where I am surrounded by dysfunctional idealoogy. You would be shocked in my world, perhaps. Recently, I have come to recognise that the simple fact of being polite is confused with a come-on.
Seriously, some men in this village think just because I am polite and considerate, I intentionally encourage amorous attention. That is only because they have never known politeness or kindness.
A common German saying, for example, is "praise spoils character" or better put, "if you praise someone more than once they will surely become a meglomaniac - so use praise with the utmost conservatism".
And good for you! Great example of how to treat ourselves.