Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I am in a codependent relationship with a man who I have been with since 2007. This relationship drains me and we have a 4 year old daughter. This is a very draining relationship for me.
He had an alcoholic father that wouldn't come home at night leaving his mother worried - in his childhood. His oldest sister died when he was 7 and his mother was very smothering and did everything for him.
My childhood was filled with childhood abuse, neglect and abandonment. I have been in therapy for over 20 years and still working through and processing some painful stuff.
I feel in this relationship that everything is dumped on me and I have an extra kid to look after. He expects me to stay at home and hisses at me if I talk about getting a job. The job he has is only part time and we don't get enough money coming in. I expressed my concern on this and my concerns fell on deaf ears.
When it comes to family outing etc - everything is dumped on me. I ask him what he would like to do and he throws it back at me. If the vehicles need fixing etc then I have to do everything.
He has that old school attitude where the woman does all the work at home and it is only his job to go out and work then come home and do nothing. I am sick of being his maid cause he can be lazy.
He stays cause of our daughter and refuses to have his child come from a broken home.
Passions have died down and I am not sure what to do. I just recently acknowledged that I am in a relationship like this.
I have told him how I felt only to have the things important to me get flushed down the toilet and laughed at. He doesn't take me seriously.
Thank you for listening.....
He had an alcoholic father that wouldn't come home at night leaving his mother worried - in his childhood. His oldest sister died when he was 7 and his mother was very smothering and did everything for him.
My childhood was filled with childhood abuse, neglect and abandonment. I have been in therapy for over 20 years and still working through and processing some painful stuff.
I feel in this relationship that everything is dumped on me and I have an extra kid to look after. He expects me to stay at home and hisses at me if I talk about getting a job. The job he has is only part time and we don't get enough money coming in. I expressed my concern on this and my concerns fell on deaf ears.
When it comes to family outing etc - everything is dumped on me. I ask him what he would like to do and he throws it back at me. If the vehicles need fixing etc then I have to do everything.
He has that old school attitude where the woman does all the work at home and it is only his job to go out and work then come home and do nothing. I am sick of being his maid cause he can be lazy.
He stays cause of our daughter and refuses to have his child come from a broken home.
Passions have died down and I am not sure what to do. I just recently acknowledged that I am in a relationship like this.
I have told him how I felt only to have the things important to me get flushed down the toilet and laughed at. He doesn't take me seriously.
Thank you for listening.....
Staying together in a codependent relationship where adult needs are never met is just as bad as divorcing (possibly worse)!
You teach your child with your actions and behaviors more than your words.
If he is not making sufficient money to take care of the needs of the home and those who live there, that is no different from you not bothering to go shopping to purchase groceries or do laundry or cook meals.
"hissing at you" in lieu of talking about an issue is verbal and emotional abuse. No one deserve to be hissed at when a conversation is the appropriate adult way of dealing with issues. He is expecting you to read his mind and know his feelings without talking. He is ignoring your needs and rights. He is refusing to behave to fulfill his adult responsibilities to you and your child.
It is no wonder that passions have died. Basic needs must be met before other less necessary needs even make it on the radar screen. There is a physical and emotional abuse group here at DS where you can read more about these things with suggestions for dealing with these issues.
You deserve to be spoken to respectively, to have your concerns and needs discussed respectfully and with courtesy, and you deserve to have as much financial peace as the two of you can manage to provide in this household.
Putting someone down, making fun, and telling them the don't deserve to be treated with respect but rather laughed at is abusive.
Hope you find help here
Sunny
There is no SHAME in working therapy for as long as you need. You have every right to work therapy at YOUR PACE. For someone to even suggest that you are doing it "wrong" and taking "too long" is abusive itself. It just shows that some have no real understanding about compassionate advice.
It can take a whole lifetime to heal from abuse. If you were abused as a baby, those are extremely hard to heal. Babies have no language which makes it triple difficult to heal. You have EVERY RIGHT to stay in therapy for as long as you like.
NO ONE- not any other human being has the right to tell you that you are healingntoo slow. NO other human being has any right to even suggest that you are not working hard enough.
Hiding is what codepedent behaviors were learned at the hands of childhood abusers. It is a critical skill to allow you to have simply survived. I applaud you
FIRST -for surviving such serious abuse.
SECOND- for sticking with therapy for many decades already
THIRD-For bing srlf aware enough to know for yourself that your abuse is really bad, and NOT giving up evrn after decades of work.
So any good decent codepedentcy counselor is going to understand that the early child had many reasons for needing to stuff a great deal. A good one allows you as much time as you need without regard for the ignorant views of any others who judge and add to the abuse for suggesting that the abuse was in any way your fault or that taking time to heal is less than very courageous.
As long as you feel safe, you stick with a therapist that is helping you.
Sadly, this forum allows some whose goal is other than compassion or love or support. We have to use them and their ignorance to learn how to deal with ignorant people in this world.
I hope you are willing to come and share with us again.
Sunny
I'm struck by the clarity of your post but I noticed that you didn't write about how you feel about these things that are happening. Do you feel angry? Sad? Frustrated? Resigned even? It seems to me like you know that there are reasons for his behaviour and for yours and that you have acknowledged that you are not satisfied with the current situation but don't know what to do about it.