I come home, after no indication that there's any discontent waiting, to a husband who is pissed at the world -- all because of our dog, who is not perfect (but who my husband thinks should be). Or so he says. He uses our dogs' behavior to justify anger A LOT.

Anyway -- he started getting very pissy and non-violently aggressive at dinner, and aimed it (verbally only) at the dog. Verbal aggression is a HUGE trigger for me. My anger management skills have degraded over time. I slapped him on the back and shoulder, angrily, and led the dogs out of the room - frustration at not knowing how to deal with his unpredictable and unjustified mood swings leave me grasping, VERY unfortunately, at physical manifestations of my own anger. I hate that. I'm trying to stop that.

So now, once again (and, interestingly, this makes about 3 December/January periods in a row where this has happened), I am wishing (because I'm passive aggressive and codependent) that he would move out. He hints, when he's mad at me, that he will leave because I am the problem. That used to make me panic. Now I hope it happens. I really think that, despite the love I do still feel for him a times, I want a divorce. But I'm not strong enough (after 30 years of living with his crap) to pursue it.

I hope to become strong enough. I hope that while I work on it, he works on his mood swings so I don't have to divorce him. I hope to work on my codependence so that this crap doesn't bother me, anymore. I NEED to work on my anger, because I really want to be better than that.

I'm so tired of feeling, after these events, like I have to be the one to "fix" our relationship. I hate thinking that he's in the other room, thinking about how RIGHT and justified he is, in his anger. Or, more likely, not thinking about me at all. But I sit here, separated by a wall, feeling like a prisoner in my own tiny home, not able to think about anything else.

How often does being codependent and "highly sensitive" go together, do you think? It's an awful combination of handicaps in a bad relationship.

Sorry. Venting. I'm just very sad, and hopeless, and frustrated, and mad at him, and mad at myself, and sad for my dogs. I'm raising them in exactly the same dysfunction that I was raised in. I can see the confusion and sadness in their eyes.

I have a therapist, and sometimes wish I could see her every day -- but I vent and vent and vent, and my progress (if any) is so slow as to be not noticeable. I'm great at venting, but not at changing.