Bless your heart. I've been in your shoes before. You sound like a caring person who just wants mutual relationships to pour into. I've been in friendships that have faded and now I am finally in relationships with solid people who have my back and I have theirs. It took a while though! It really took praying about friendships and whether or not to continue them. The group I am currently friends with all go to church together so we have a common interest. It is such a blessing to have a group of friends that is like family. Have you thought about joining a church that has groups with special interests similar to yours?

mommato2lilmonkeys

I guess I know now that this happens to many people and not just me...this isn't the first post I have seen on this topic.

And it has happened to me one time...and I was devastated....I would be too embarrassed to even discuss it.

I think it is really healthy for you to be able to talk about it because now you are going to find out you are not alone....it may be a human condition for some people to not be able to sustain good relationships and it may not be US at all.

They got upset about something and would not talk about it properly later on.

Look at your own attitude talk about it properly. That is pretty codependent. Perhaps from their point of view they felt OK about how they talked about it OR did NOT talk at all.
We codependents frequently believe that we know best.

We grow, change, try things and decide it just is not for us. Others live the same way.

Whenever we see others expecting things and being disappointed in ourselves it is really us placing those expectations on ourselves. We are projecting those things onto others. Perhaps try to see that you are placing these expectations and disappointments on yourself. And see where these come from in your spirit. Freeing yourself will allow you to see others in the light of truth.


Id love to hear about how you established positive relationships and boundaries with narcissists. In my experience, this is nearly impossible without continuing to simply play into the narcissistic family system.

It does feel good to talk about it. I'm realising that I do have some groups that I am part of. What I am missing, amongst other things, is a sense of belonging. However, I've made some acquaintances at my daughter's new school and I could go back to my meditation group... I made some friends and acquaintances there. I'm not totally alone by any means and there are people who will be there for me when I need it. It's just, you know, there are levels of friendship. I had really deep bonds with three friends and now they are basically gone, for different reasons.

One friend is no longer talking to me after 10 years after, funnily enough, he said that I accused him of being a narcissist. I actually didn't do this at all (it had never occurred to me that he was a narcissist at that time). We were both drunk, I said something and then he said 'so you're calling me a narcissist?' I denied this but this became me calling him a narcissist. I also called him an a-hole in jest. During that evening he actually spoke to me inappropriately and touched me inappropriately but I ignored all of these things (aside from jokingly calling him an a-hole and then trying to move him away from that sort of thing), putting it down to drunken behaviour on his part. He sent me a text message accusing me of calling him a narcissist and then refused to speak to me again. Unsurprisingly, I'm not okay with that.

Another friend of five years was criticising my mother who he'd had a disagreement with. I tried to remain neutral and not get involved and then very politely, in one sentence, made it clear I did not want to get involved. This friend blew up and then I politely indicated that he and my mother both make mistakes (my friend is also my mother's romantic partner). He hasn't spoken to me in over a month and sits with his car engine running outside if he drives my mother over to see me, so she doesn't stay for more than a few minutes.

I really have not behaved badly and I'm not OK with how I've been treated by these friends. In all these years, only one or two arguments and then they no longer want to be friends or even want to speak to me, over really stupid things.

Another friend I've known for almost 4 years and there's no bust up. I've actually thought about no longer contacting him or spending time with him anymore because for the last 6 months I haven't been treated in a particularly respectful way by him. He used to be a wonderful, kind and loving person and still helps me from time to time with things but recently he started making critical comments about me. I remain friends because I hope the person that he used to be will come back but for some reason, the way he interacts with me has changed.

In terms of how to be on good terms with narcissistic families... first of all, I did need to separate myself from them to get a certain level of stability within myself. I also did lots of writing, so I understood all of the techniques they used to destabilise me emotionally and I figured ways to address these different techniques so my family wouldn't know I was getting upset. They didn't get a rise out of me so there was little point to the behaviour. It took months, but with patience and consistency and a realisation that they were unlikely to ever change, they did actually change. Because I was behaving in a different way, it broke our mutual unhealthy patterns and changed the dynamic. I don't believe you can change a narcissist but I do believe you can at least change the dynamic in the relationship so that you can get more of the good side than the bad side.