Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Meaningless sex....?

pam96
pam96
Just wondering what you all think? As some of you know....been separated over 4 months now & still love my husband & want my marriage but he is totally saying "NO" now. I had met a guy a month or so ago that I have been thinking of just " hanging out" with. He is not from the city that we're in, he's here working for another couple of months. My question is, since my husband has basically said "move on", do you think it's OK to have a "boy toy" to just help get through the transition period? I did this once after my first daughter's father & I had broken up & Had my "boy toy" for two years....we were great friends but not romantically involved other than sex. It really helped then to get over that relationship...
OK...I'll prepare to be bombarded now!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is totaly my own opinion, but I think having a "boy toy" is unhealthy. I think it is disrespectful to yourself and whoever you choose.

It is also counterproductive as someone struggling with codependency, to be dependent on someone else to meet an emotional or physical "need".

It opens you up to all kinds of misunderstandings and feelings of inadaquacy too. It's like a short term fix to a long term problem.

That's just my opinion.
pam96
pam96
But cant I work through my problems & have that as well...? It's kind of like nicorette gum to help quit smoking...
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's totally up to you what you do, that's just my opinion.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well I've known plenty of smokers who chewed the gum and continued to smoke....I'm gonna agree with hoops. I'm thinking you are still using a distraction from keeping you to work on you. If you need a toy, well, no one said it had to be a real person....
deleted_user
deleted_user
ha! scattered---love it!

i agree with everyone else. this is a time bomb....
did you read "in the meantime" by iyanla vanzant?
if not, invest in it and a non-living boy toy.
b.o.b. ----battery operated boyfriend.
enough with the men. take some time to discover you. otherwise you are destined to continue your own destructive behavior....
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
deleted_user
deleted_user
i'm guessing sex with the husband was rather meaningless, see how far that got ya! i vote for skip the boy toy...
deleted_user
deleted_user
Battery operated Boytoy--hahaha
Erm--yes!!!

Just my experience and opinion--take it or leave it...

I don't know how anyone can convince themselves that they are NOT romantically involved while having sex. Maybe some people can separate themselves like that, but in all honesty I don't think it's healthy to fracture ourselves up into pieces---as such??? I dunno-to me there is a connection that occurs when you cross into that sexual area....

*good luck*
pam96
pam96
OK, OK....I knew it deep inside anyways....but tonight at a CoDA meeting I read & re-read step 4...make a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves. The word "moral" was slapping me in the face. I am STILL married & I STILL love my husband. Therefor I would be going against my own morals by doing this.
I'm not going to do it...will invest in the BOB.
But I'm sexually frustrated & so craving intimacy!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Do what you feel is right within yourself that brings you closer to God. Temporary pleasure can lead to Emptiness and downspiralling of Self Worth.
mgs1
mgs1
... you can justify anything you want.. it doesn't make it right. AND, more importantly it doesn't mean it's good for you. Distractions only serve to prolong the healing, they don't help at all, they simply complicate the situation.
Dr. G.
deleted_user
deleted_user
yOU GOT SOME GREAT POSTS ON HERE..THESE PEOPLE SOLID...i agree with all of it...using one to replace another is just prolonging the pain...we must grieve our loss in order to heal...
thank you all
great reads
j
deleted_user
deleted_user
I say double "ditto" on that. When my last relationship came to a great big head I was determined to find out why I kept landing in the same place. I want to grow and do it differently. As long as you have a boy toy. You are not focussed on yourself. I say take a time out and a long hard look. And maybe look at the concept of Love addiction. Oh and maybe a device if you know what I mean... Just a thought... And my opinion.... "There are no victims only volunteers"
deleted_user
deleted_user
i think a boy toy is just what you need my friend went through the same thing and she ahd one then she decided she didnt need him for that anymore then moved on now she is in a healthy relashoship i think it is
Hugs
Amorette
deleted_user
deleted_user
I dated just over a year ago during one of my times apart from my husband. The guy was wonderful, thoughtful, kind, brought me flowers nearly every day and other gifts......

I wasnt ready, and he ended up hurt because he knew I was stil in love with my ex. Not an experiance in my life I am proud of, but I learnt and now no I cant use another person to get through the pain....There is no easier softer way....
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have 2 sides to this,if it is strictly pouncing go for it then leave or tell him to go. If its more like cuddling, movies or dinner DON'T DO IT it will hurt way worse because you will know its not real and its not what you want it is a placebo and you will cheat yourself from being with whom you belong with. Hug your girlfriends for the intimacy you are missing, get a hamster a body pillow.