I'm sorry to hear that.

It sounds like you're on your way already by recognizing that you're self-hating. Try stopping the negative messages you're telling yourself and start telling yourself some positive ones. You have plenty to offer, so why not remind yourself of this?

Even if you don't believe it all today, if I remember correctly you and I have talked before about "fake it until you make it."

Everyone deserves happiness and everyone is capable of giving and of receiving unconditional love.

Hi heyvee,

I really feel for you. It sounds like things are really tough for you now. Right now, it sounds to me like there are three issues. The first one is that you are, understandably, still grieving the loss of your partner. I don't know how long you were together but it's obvious you developed a bond and regardless of the reasons he left, it hurts. The second issue is that on top of the feelings of grief, you've taken on board all of the responsibility for the break-up. The third one is managing with the BPD in general. They are all big problems but if you find a way to address them then you will feel happier and you will find love.

Unfortunately, you need to accept the grieving process. The one occasion a partner broke up with me was devastating and it took me a year to recover. Loss of close friendships has also involved several months of grieving. These things just take time and they do feel painful.

In terms of taking responsibility for the problems. While it's wonderful that you are taking responsibility, without blaming, look at what your partner could have done differently as well. You need to take responsibility and allow yourself to see what you could do differently next time but taking all of the responsibility is contributing to the feelings of self-hatred. Try also to look at things that you did try to do, as I am sure you did plenty of things to try and make the relationship work and to address your more challenging behaviours.

Finally, you need to learn to make peace with the BPD and learn that you're OK even if you do say and do horrible things sometimes. I've heard the clich 'be your own best friend', but it's true. Give yourself a hug and imagine someone else in the same circumstances as you. Whilst you'd acknowledge that the person in the same situation could probably have done things differently and behaved better, you'd be understanding too, I'm sure. Being a little more OK with yourself exactly as you are right now, even if you were never to change a bit, is the first step in trying to help the behaviours. The next step is to watch yourself - what are your triggers? Can you avoid them? If not, what strategies help you to manage them?

In terms of people leaving... the sad fact is that regardless of how terrible or wonderful we are, people can leave. If you look around you, you will see people who don't engage in any horrible behaviour but people still leave them sometimes. It's hard, but it also helps to learn to accept that people are free to come and go. The less you feel that need to cling onto someone like a security blanket, the less the bad behaviours will come out anyway as they usually are just a result of fear.

Love,

Alana

You need to go to a counselor sound very depressed. Good comments but I have been where u are and pulled out of it with the help of a good counselor and this site and a lot of reading and affirmations. Staying away from those that contribute to lowering our self esteem is so important and realizing that no matter where life takes us or who we are with we have to be ok inside. Stay out of the future and past and focus on the now and getting healthy. Self compassion is a great book to read- Kristina Neff. It was really an eye opener for me and I realized how hard I am on myself. Main idea- what would you say and how would you treat a loved friend that feels like you are saying? Treat yourself like that and boost your self up and love yourself.