Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
This is my first time on here and this is how I know I've come to my lowest point. Am I really so desperate and alone to reach out to random strangers on the internet? YES. I guess I am. Just hoping someone can relate to my story and make me feel like I'm not the only one living this nightmare.
I live with my boyfriend of almost 2 years who is not what one might see as the "typical" addict/alcoholic. We live in a nice townhouse with college degrees (we're in our 40's) and from the outside you wouldn't imagine such a disaster would exist on the inside. He is kind, loving, accepting and quite possibly the love of my life....and he is also an addict who causes me nothing but pain and anxiety. You see...he does not drink every day or wander the streets looking for drugs. He is a binge drinker and is in complete denial of not only how much he hurts ME, but how much he is hurting himself. Because he holds an impressive job, is well spoken, likeable and quite attractive.....he doesn't fit the typical mold of an alcoholic/addict. He will drink about once a week (usually starts with a "few" glasses of wine at dinner" and it all goes down from there. One day I found 2 empty vodka bottles hidden under the guest room bed. That is when I really knew this battle was uphill. He doesn't just stop there....this is the warm up to his late night texts to his "friend" who brings him coke. He thinks he's slick having him come by and sneak into his car to drop it off so I won't know. Or under the doormat while we are out at dinner. His constant lies are pathological and I am literally sick to my stomach every day worrying about when the next bomb will drop.
He had a DUI right before we first met and used to have that interlock thing in his car. I LOVED that he had this. He needed it. It was the only thing that gave me hope when he was out that he wouldn't drive home drunk. Not even with a hangover the next morning because it would still be in his system and the car wouldn't start. But you know what he did the day he was finally allowed to have it removed? Yep....went out and got plastered....and DROVE HOME. I hate the glaze in his eyes and how they are always half shut. I hate the smell of alcohol on his breath and the disgusting white dust in his nostrils. How can such a successful man who loves me so much be so destructive and deceitful?
I cry EVERY SINGLE DAY AND NIGHT. I am alone. Most days I just want to die. I am also unemployed while in school to get my certification to do medical coding and completely rely on him financially. I feel stuck. Trapped. Depressed. We fight every single day and I can't find the strength to let go. I love this man. But WHY? And more so...why does he love ME? All I do is complain and cry. I offer nothing to him or to this world. I used to be a strong person. A good person. I don't even recognize myself. I hate who I am and what I've become. Can anyone relate????
I live with my boyfriend of almost 2 years who is not what one might see as the "typical" addict/alcoholic. We live in a nice townhouse with college degrees (we're in our 40's) and from the outside you wouldn't imagine such a disaster would exist on the inside. He is kind, loving, accepting and quite possibly the love of my life....and he is also an addict who causes me nothing but pain and anxiety. You see...he does not drink every day or wander the streets looking for drugs. He is a binge drinker and is in complete denial of not only how much he hurts ME, but how much he is hurting himself. Because he holds an impressive job, is well spoken, likeable and quite attractive.....he doesn't fit the typical mold of an alcoholic/addict. He will drink about once a week (usually starts with a "few" glasses of wine at dinner" and it all goes down from there. One day I found 2 empty vodka bottles hidden under the guest room bed. That is when I really knew this battle was uphill. He doesn't just stop there....this is the warm up to his late night texts to his "friend" who brings him coke. He thinks he's slick having him come by and sneak into his car to drop it off so I won't know. Or under the doormat while we are out at dinner. His constant lies are pathological and I am literally sick to my stomach every day worrying about when the next bomb will drop.
He had a DUI right before we first met and used to have that interlock thing in his car. I LOVED that he had this. He needed it. It was the only thing that gave me hope when he was out that he wouldn't drive home drunk. Not even with a hangover the next morning because it would still be in his system and the car wouldn't start. But you know what he did the day he was finally allowed to have it removed? Yep....went out and got plastered....and DROVE HOME. I hate the glaze in his eyes and how they are always half shut. I hate the smell of alcohol on his breath and the disgusting white dust in his nostrils. How can such a successful man who loves me so much be so destructive and deceitful?
I cry EVERY SINGLE DAY AND NIGHT. I am alone. Most days I just want to die. I am also unemployed while in school to get my certification to do medical coding and completely rely on him financially. I feel stuck. Trapped. Depressed. We fight every single day and I can't find the strength to let go. I love this man. But WHY? And more so...why does he love ME? All I do is complain and cry. I offer nothing to him or to this world. I used to be a strong person. A good person. I don't even recognize myself. I hate who I am and what I've become. Can anyone relate????
I was told by my therapist yesterday that this is "emotional" abuse.
I have the same boyfriend...LOL (not funny). I also completed my certificate for MEDICAL CODING...but have been too wrapped up in his problems to go that the exam. I have until October.
You had a huge RED flag in the beginning with the steering wheel gadget...not everyone has those :(....My boyfriend had an ankle bracelet from prison when I met him and was "clean' and the day that came off...same thing "crack" binge.
Now that we both ignored the red flags...here we are in love with someone who is emotionally abusive.
The typical advice I get is leave - run - love yourself enough to get away.
Something else I didn't mention because I already wrote a novel...is I used to be addicted to prescription pills. I have been in legal trouble a few times due to it and also lost my nursing license (as I so deserved). It's so embarrassing. If you met me, you would never guess this was my past. But getting a job is difficult enough these days with NO record. You can only imagine the struggle trying to apply for jobs...which these days EVERYONE does background checks. Then I have to explain myself and pray someone will give me a chance. So when people say "just move out...leave him.....get ANY job and LEAVE!" Ummm.....not that easy. I'm not like everyone else.
What did you decide to do about your situation? I will pray for you that things will get better. They HAVE to....right?
Nearly-everyone here has a his/her own reason for why it's not easy to change his/her situation. Nearly-everyone here feels that his/her situation is unique and that they are "not like everyone else." These reasons tend to boil down to one of two things (or both):
1) Things do not feel bad enough yet for me to feel like I *have* to change, or
2) I do not have confidence in myself that I can make a change for the better. I am afraid.
It seems from your description that you feel like things are very bad... who wants to live a life where they are crying every single day and night?
It seems as well that #2 is a bigger problem for you (e.g., "I offer nothing to him or to this world."). Is that really how you feel?
I can relate to the feeling of being stuck and depressed. I also feel stuck this very moment. Others tell me "how can that be? you're so awesome..." and my instinct is to scream out "but I'm not! You don't understand!"
That thinking is not helpful for either of us. If you want to change your situation, *you* and no one else will have to change it. Maybe you can't change it all in one stroke, but each day you can choose to do one thing (e.g., prepare for your exam) that gets you closer to the life that you want. Or, you can choose to do nothing.
Here is the painful lesson that I've learned. Others here have learned it too...
The person or situation that makes you miserable will not cure itself on its own. It is not the flu, where you can lie in bed for a few days and let it pass. It is cancer, which continues to grow.
"But what if my boyfriend realizes the error of his ways and turns his life around," you ask. Sure, he might, but nothing you say or do can make this happen. It is important to accept that you cannot "save" an addict. He can only help himself and he will only help himself if *he* decides that it is worth it.
You can, however, help yourself. As hard as it seems, you can get started now. Or, you can not get started. If you do not start, however, how do you think you will feel 6 months from now? How about 2 years from now?
I posted a quote on here that I have been saying to myself at least 10 times a day as I get closer to my own terrifying change: "courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
I don't know if that will resonate with you or not. If it does, however, I hope that you rediscover your courage.
I'm going to guess you don't have a good relationship with them and it all ties in together?
How can you say, though, that he's the love of your life when he's a lier and criminal? Is that the best you feel you deserve?
And yes, I know how crazy I sound by saying he's the love of my life when he's also lying to me. I don't even know how to explain it.
Quite a while ago, my counsellor gave me a print out of a cartoon/ poem, it is called 'How to get there'...
I dont know how to copy the image of the cartoon itself here but here are the words of the poem:
HOW TO GET THERE
Go to the end of the path until you get to the gate.
Go through the gate and head straight out towards the horizon.
Keep going towards the horizon.
Sit down and have a rest every now and again,
But keep on going, just keep on with it.
Keep on going as far as you can.
Thats how you get there.
This poem just beautifully sums up recovery for me. There hasn't been any magic wand or one particular answer. Recovery hasn't consisted of just one step. It has just been a matter of taking a step in a positive direction for me, and then taking another step in that direction, then a few more and before I knew it, I was quite a distance from my original position. But I had to take those first steps. It sounds like this is one of those situations where you need to take a healing step for you, any healing step that takes you in a positive direction, and then take another one, and another one. I think when we are in these situations, we want things to change so badly, we dream of a magic wand fix, and often, unfortunately, that just isn't the way it works. But when we are brave enough to step through that first door, we then notice that there are other doors and other options behind that door that we didn't see before.
Have you looked at getting some outside help and support? A counsellor, psychologist? Someone to give you a bit of direction and guidance with where to start? Or do you have some support groups near you? Al-anon, Coda meetings? I recommend that you get some good, healthy support for yourself. You certainly qualify for Al-anon, given the situation you have written about above. I love my Al-anon meetings and have learned a lot about myself and my patterns and they have helped me sort through MY stuff. They also don't cost much- you put a couple of dollars in the basket at the end of the meeting and I imagine that CODA meetings are the same, might be a relatively inexpensive option for you. Try a few different things and find something that resonates with you. I related so very much to people at my first Al-anon meeting.
I've heard people say that recovery sometimes is like trying to eat an elephant- getting ourselves out of these sorts of situations can also be like eating an elephant. Not that I have any desire to eat an elephant but I like the analogy- you take a first bite and look up and see that there is SUCH a long way to go, but if you just keep taking bites, and just keep on going, you get there eventually. It feels unachievable at the start but it really isnt. For me, I started feeling the positive effects of the changes that I was making really early on, I started to get a little more confidence in myself with each positive step that I took. I did whatever I could to get myself off the hamster wheel I was on- I did lots of reading, had appointments with a great counsellor (I was lucky to find a great one) and started going to Al-anon meetings and it has all made a world of difference for me. I started learning new things and then putting those things into practice. Just know that it can get better. And really, you have taken a big first step by reaching out here, you have already taken a positive step. Maybe think about your next one? It doesnt have to be big or dramatic or life-changing, just start with small steps in the right direction. Maybe read a book such as Co-dependent No More or Women Who Love Too Much or maybe even Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew (the title is misleading, it is actually about looking after ourselves in these sorts of relationships). Start the ball rolling and you might be surprised at where the journey leads you. Take good care of yourself
Sitting back and waiting for someone else to change, especially someone who may well have absolutely no interest in changing, puts us in a really powerless position. We can make some changes ourselves though, you have some choices here. If he is going to continue on this way, what can you do to start looking after yourself? What can you do to help yourself feel better here? What CAN you do for yourself to make your life better?
http://www.psalm40.org/dontquit.html
It is not really abusive to allow yourself to stay in such a situation. Having rows is really arguing rather than abusive.
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I hated myself for a long time until I did some therapy and alanon and realized what I could and needed to change in myself to relieve much of that distancing in relationships. I formed real friendships and choose what is best for my life. That is the freedom you might want to explore.