oh but that were possible........relationships are as much of who I am as what I am. " Abstinence is the will power white knuckling it until my mind and heart and body are in a healthy balance. It's a temporary fix until the real work is begun and then abstinence, like grief, becomes easier to live with: but there is only one perfect relationship I can ever hope to have.....the rest are a work in progress. " I have this written in the back of a good book I read a lot. Hope it helps.

When you put it like that what a difficult dilemma we co-dependent people are in. My ex was co-dependent as well. So if I tried to leave he would come after me full ball. I used to think this is not fair. If a person tries to give up smoking, a cigarette won't chase me down the street screaming come back.
The euphoric feeling of loving and be loved in return is the most amazing feeling. No wonder it is so hard to give up even when love turns toxic. Maybe the trick is to stay in the human race and simultaneously develop an understanding of what is a healthy form of relating. When is genuine love replaced by dependency. Be watchful am I controlling or manipulating. Is this a good position to be in?

Jubili that makes a lot of sense.I personally think this is the hardest to deal with b/c of that,we have to work on it basically while living in it.We can leave the abuser but people are still everywhere.But it CAN be done,and anyone who attempts recovery from co-dependancy I think is a very brave and strong person.

I find that giving up codependency does not mean giving up the other people.

It is the dysfunction we give up, like the low self esteem, the lack of boundaries, feelings out of control, and we give up that stuff.

In most cases we are to just give up the abuse but not the abuser.

My codependency came from my dysfunctional and twisted parents and I do not give up my parents even though they still stay in denial and they remain nasty dysfunctional people.

But I stopped being abused, and I made my ammends with the past and with my inner child and now I have a functional relationship with my Mom, except now I have healthy boundaries to keep the codependency in check. My dysfunctional Dad passed away some time ago.

Now I do not challenge the 12 Steps as an alcoholic does needs to give up the booze, but alcohol is only a thing and what the people are really giving up is the drunk or being drunk or getting drunk. Otherwise there is non-alcohol beer and wines and most Alcoholics do not drink those because they drink to get drunk.

A person needs to become a healthy drinker, that drinks without getting drunk. Otherwise go to AA.

A sex addict needs to control their lust so they can have a monogumous relationship with one partner. Have healthy sex and not addicted, not the addiction.

The gambler needs to control their greed and their desires and make gambling into a game instead of the addiction. If one just stays away from gambling without dealing with the psychological issues then they will not recover.

Codependecy recovery needs to stop dysfunctional relationships, and find or create healthy relationships.

Even a truly rotten abuser is not necessarily codependent at all, the abuser simply creates the codependency in other people.

We do not even need to stop the abuser as we just need to stop the abuse and the abusing.

Not become a hermit.

And I find the recovery of codependency to be interesting and challenging and often it is down right fun to do.