Letting go for me...both wonderful and horrifying at the same time. When I first decided that my controlling of everyone and every situation that came my way was destroying my life I finally began the process of letting go...It felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders, but it was so different from the way I was used to being that I was terrified! Such a mixture of emotions! But the fear is dwindling away while the happiness is slowly climbing up.

Not really sure what you are asking. But control is an illusion. So if you think you can't let go (of control), that's like having an imaginary friend.

You referenced love, hummmmm, yes there is a universal flow here. There is plenty of room in the truck awaiting a tailgate party.

Insanity is more than liberating. One must back away from the gates of Hell in order to know what Heaven is.

What are you scared about? Thinking of taking the plunge?

For me (I learned to speak for and about my own reality in programs) letting go of 'control' is about letting go of my fears and insecurities. To me, control really means DEFENSES which is all about FEAR. As I relax into trust and drop the fears, control is no longer necessary or even OK.
BTW, we can choose to be happy and NOT unhappy which will go a long way to reduce and eliminate fear, control and defenses.
google: happiness is a choice
and get started enjoying life WITHOUT fear, control & defenses.
best wishes
jim

Butterbean succinctly said what was in my head control is indeed an illusion .The minute we step out of our comfortable evironments we are at the mercy of everyone/thing that surrounds us.Insanity is an alternative to insecurity to accept that there is nothing worse than death makes us unafraid of it its life thats scares me.

To Troy* "Insanity is an alternative to insecurity to accept that there is nothing worse than death makes us unafraid of it its life thats scares me."

That's really beautifully said and so true. Often people will get comfortable being a little wacko to hide thier fears from others. We have so many syndromes, diseases and excuses for our abberations. What will they think of next?

Interesting, Butterbean (and others).

Nah, I think I've licked whatever social anxiety I may have had in the past, and learned how to simply be warm with everybody. I feel strong enough to endure a certain amount of others' crap, and I don't mind hurting, because it's preferable to feeling nothing at all. But there's always this fear of getting in over my head with someone who does not have my health and well-being at heart. But I'm learning to overcome that too. The English language is a wonderful sword and shield. It's simply a matter of being comfortable in one's own ability to communicate assertively and put up boundaries. I can talk my way out of something if I simply do not feel comfortable in it. So can any of us. Develop the vocabulary.

I suppose I was just curious to get all your thoughts on the matter. Fuels my English "word power" arsenal.

Thanks! Keep 'em coming! Fellas?

lol. funny you mention this. I was in a al-anon meeting the other night. and I thought somewhere in the middle that I should count the number of times people said they had to have control or they were controlling. Every single person mentioned it at least once. I will have to count it next meeting.

seems to be a reoccurring theme.

I am codependent addict livilng with another addict. I want to quit and stop and I want to control my husband into stopping so I can stop. I let him take money from me, he has people in our kitchen every night. He doesn't come to bed when I go to bed, and isn't taking care of himself physically. I sleep a lot and take bipolar meds. He is adhd without meds. We met the wrong people and now anything goes. I stay in my bedroom alone most of the time and bad vibe the house full of people. Finally, I am starting to join them because I can't beat them. I'm tired of fighting for him to stop socializing and start spending time with me and sleep at night. I'm so lonely alone in the bedroom with guys in my house all the time. I'm tired of having a hangout for a home. I want to control my husband's using because if it is in front of me I will join in, then go to bed alone and watch tv, ignoring company and going to sleep. In the morning my husband hasn't slept and the house is rearranged. I can't stand it and need someone to comment on my captivity. We have no car. I'm stuck.

Confessah: Wow, that's rough. Only comment I can think of is to pose a question: In whose name is the house? If yours, kick him out and find a roommate, someone who is actually responsible and takes good care of themselves. A roommate would be better than this man who likes his friends and his drug parties more than you.

This is directly toward men: I heard it recently said that a man needs to choose between his wife and his friends. He needs to make one or the other a priority, stop juggling and dancing around you.

contessha, know this feeling well. i am also a codependent with definite addictive traits. my sig other is not quite this over the top, he is more passive/aggressive and using quilt to manipualtive others with a very sarcastic teasing that just is not always appropriate. he calls me at work and says what do you want ot drink tonight, which fuels my desire to drink. which is not his fault, its mine. but would be nice to have a partner that did have other interests. but u cant controll him to controll yourself. i try to 12 step everything that happens, and it helps. i am the one who must decide to change and if he comes along ok, if not then the scary thought of going on alone faces me, which also makes me want to drink, cause i will be lonely. its like a bike cycle wheel. can you get to meetings or church? after the holidays i plan to start meetings, just unsure which one to attend-AA or alanon. get out of the house and meet others who will be supportive and bring a different perspective to your life. hope this helps

I fight the urge to control just about every day of my life....

What has helped me the most is to have relationships with people who are not substance abusers or addicted to behaviors..

Today, I don't let addicts into my life... and while I still have problems with control... it is so much easier to address my issues if I don't have to wrestle with having an addict in my life.

My current boyfriend is an enabler and codependent but he does not an addict to substances, gambling, spending, or porn... He has an alcoholic brother who causes a lot of drama and confusion in the family.. and stirs the pot quite a bit... and I started getting really crazy about the alcoholic brother.. found myself at a few more al-anon meetings... and of course had to admit that I once again was trying to control.

So over the years I have grown in this area.. when I recognize it in myself I address it immediately because to not address it would mean I was headed for the crazies..

I guess I'm a control freak...I don't always see it, but it makes sense and I believe because I don't see it is why I often get angry (because things arent' going the way they appear in my mind...) Anyway, I've been reading a lot of self help books and along with the help from my online DS friends I've come to realize, I am a control freak (to some extent) because of my childhood being in such shambles...never knowing from one day to the next what was going to happen, if we'd have a house, if I'd go home or end up at whomevers house to sleep, if my mom would find me, if I'd get beat again, locked out, dropped off somewhere...any number of things could or would or might (or not) happen and I guess it's completely normal at my age to feel all these weird feelings I've never had in years (or bothered me) until now. I just need to deal with them appropriately before they destroy myself, my family, and cause long term damage...Its so hard to 'relax' and not be in 'control' all the time and afraid...that's the best way to put it, the fear that comes with not knowing...fear wasn't good when I was a child and now, since I'm a grown up, I should not have to feel fear - only stability - but control and stability are two separate things...and I need find the middle ground between them and I need to relax. Sorry for the babble session! I feel better...but I'm sure it put a lot of you to sleep...Ugh...I can be long winded...:) LOL

Control is an illusion.

To Mr. Cool - I sort of disagree a bit about the mate verses friends thing. When you marry, the spouse has to rise to the top of the priority list over all other things including career. It takes hard work and focus on the relationship to keep it alive and help it grow. But that does not mean that you have to give up anything, including friends.

People need time apart. People also need time spent with the same sex. We mirror others. I wouldn't know how to be a woman if I did not spend time with them doing girly things. Its just as important for a man to be able to do guy things (watch football, golf, etc).

We also know people talk. I think its important to be able to discuss your relationship (basics, nothing too personal) with others besides your mate. It gives a different perspective from an observer. Often we talk to family members, but they have a vested interest in the relationship by marriage ties. Friends are different. They can usually speak their mind without any repercussions.

But getting back to control. As I said its not possible, we only think it is.

What pro-active actions are you taking currently to help yourself? Are you attending support meetings, go to therapy, read literature that helps, meditate, take long walks, journal your thoughts? Share what you do beside hiding in your room. That is a cop out, not a solution. Do you want to live the life that was given to you? Or do you think yourself no more than a dust ball under the bed? Get out girl. Find a way and get out.