Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I recently moved back in with my family so I can work towards a job transition.
I have worked as a 'helping' professional for the past 3 years, and have emerged exhausted in every way - financial, emotional, spiritually, and professionally.
As I learn more about codependency, I can see how I'm almost a textbook case - rescuing, caretaking, and only feeling comfortable when I'm serving others - and believing maybe God will love me more if I dedicate all my resources to Him. I can't maintain a relationship where the other person wants to help me, and I feel uncomfortable voicing differing opinions or pointing out when someone's doing something wrong/harmful.
It's become most important to me that I find some way to find financial independence and work in a field where I can stop burning out, but since moving back home, it's been a constant stressor to be around my family.
Daily I hear direct criticisms which have no bearing on what my parents actually believe or that I need. Example: my parents have never exercised, and don't eat well. Yet they regularly criticize my health and level of exercise even though I was a college athlete, did crossfit after graduating, and am now a certified yoga instructor, teaching regular weekly classes.
This criticism is constant (daily), and I can't have many conversations with them where they're not making criticisms or suggestions that I'm incapable of taking care of myelf (even defending landlords who stole from me, boyfriends who cheated on me, bosses who lied to me, etc. - suggesting I could have somehow prevented it).
It feels like an attempt to show me who's in control, even while they pretend to be supportive parents who let me stay with them.
It's pretty disruptive for me right now, and I feel like I'm completely shut down emotionally because I keep having to constantly put up emotional walls with them when they try to manipulate me. It would be (potentially) so stressful to move out of the house and try to find work which would give me personal space, but the way we relate right now feels crazy-making.
Any thoughts?
I'm reading Codependent No More and am going to CoDA group meetings right now.
If i had to live with my mother right now. I spent
a week around Her and my two sisters it took me
a month to destress after i returned home.
My anxiety level was high usually its not that bad
one sister stayed a couple of Days with me before
Hand and got on my nerves.
They do sound like they are out to give you a bad time,
My mother is highly dysfunctional, controlling and
Micromanaging and loves to enable my two younger
Sisters.
People like that don't age well, my mother had Even
attended alanon for 20+ years. She was somewhat Better
during those years but never really changed much And
still played games.
I too am a caregiver and with my now mental health and
Divorce issues, its something i need to Stop doing. I need
To find a fun job with benefits. I don't deal well with crazy,
Dysfunctional, controlling or fixers. I love sane normal people
That don't try to push my buttons.
I do have strong boundaries now and don't take any guff
From anyone. My serenity and peace are very important
To me and along with my recovering mental health. HUGS
I have moments of clarity about needing to make space for myself and protect my sanity, then waffle and bargain with myself when there are good moments --thinking I can shut it out long enough for me to make a good transition (could take up to 2-3 months, or longer).
I'm slowly starting to get more solid in my acknowledgement that I cannot rely on my parents for support - they are damaged in some way inside that makes them want to control me more than anything. It is not hateful or ungracious for me to acknowledge this fact.
I'm pretty exhausted overall from being in a constant crisis-mode. Trying to release control to God, since the job hunt has always been rough for me. Thanks for the support, most people don't want to hear about parents' disfunction/mistakes - even in CoDA.
Boundaries in any form. If she wants a relationship now
She pretends to respect mine. It took a lot of work to
get to this point with her.
My ex was my barrier for years with her, when he
left me she became relentless in trying to control
And micromanage me. I had detached from her
years ago and had done some therapy, moved
away to where we had our cottage and reinvented
Myself. Then i got married within 4 years i should
Have waited and worked harder on me. Bad choice
In husband for the long term. His family was just as
sick in a different way.
After my ex left, my mother tried to tell me what coat
To wear, when to change my tires, what my weather
Was. I use to listen to her negativity for an hour at a
time. Now i call her once a week and i listen for 15-30
minutes.
This is a long hard journey and i need to stay away
From people that trigger me or make me lose my
Hard earned serenity and peace. Put you first they
Won't change into what you need to get healthy.
HUGS
Setting boundaries can be more difficult in a situation like this, especially when compared to a new relationship, where you have a clean slate.
Talking to them about it might be a good idea, although I don't know how realistic this suggestion might be. One approach I've learned is called "When you ___, I feel ___. I need ___." For example:
"When you criticize my past mistakes, I feel hurt. I need support right now. Please understand that I have learned from my mistakes, and am taking action to make sure these mistakes don't happen again."
This approach avoids finger-pointing.
If they're the type of people who cannot be spoken with on a reasonable level, then leaving may be the only option. Maybe a roommate situation would work, but avoid jumping into another relationship. In fact, avoid relationships until you are in a healthy mindset, are able to set boundaries, and acknowledge that YOU deserve to be cared for, just as those did for whom you cared.
Good luck.
I feel crazy sometimes dealing with my family. The abuse is not like it was when I was a kid - there are no physical altercations or crazy power struggles, but the outbursts and negativity are still there. I feel overwhelmed with stress constantly and am working so hard to get out and move on with my life.
I hope you can also get out of your family's home and find peace and healing too.
Abusive, bullying or ego filled that includes controlling
Codependents they really set my teeth on edge especially
Since Starting my own recovery my tolerance level is low.
In recovery there are still sick people too, you learn The art
of discernment after awhile. Some people are Still in their
disease and dysfunctional. I try to talk only to those that
Have some empathy otherwise i am wasting My energy
on them.
One thing i heard today that i need to hear again and
Again, their Goal is to not hear you and they never will.
Abusive/biullying people do not care or want to know
what you Think feel or desire that is not in their intent.
Its about Them and what you can do for them.
My mother i think i can just make a sound every Once
in awhile in our conversations. I don't get a word in Unless
i talk over her or its something repeatable and juicy then
She is all ears. HUGS