Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
So I have been working hard so far with my therapist but there were things enabling me and that was my dependance on my boyfriend to pretty much give me a million chances and Monday was my rock bottom
I decided to go out earlier in the day when I was still sane. Being sane I decided it wasn't the best idea, and part of me was hoping that me saying I was going out meant my bf would go with me, It was manipulation I now understand. Well later that night around 8/9 I decided again to go out. I thought I would be ok, me and my boyfriend made a plan on what I would do if I was hit on which I knew would happen and I went with the plan set, optimistically. Why I went out was I now know though it is hard to believe and admit was for attention. A few minutes a guy bought me a beer and my plans, everything went out the window. I wasn't assertive, I really didn't want anything to do with him, but I lead him on for the attention and the inability to say no to it. I ended up leaving and going across the street making the excuse I was waiting for a friend, then all hell broke loose.
He followed me as I waited on a bench trying to figure out how I was getting home (I took a bus to the bar, safe from DUIs) and he followed and because I had no "friend" waiting and he knew it, he offered me a ride and I took it. He ended up kissing me, and I don't remember, but he remembers me making out with him. Is the lapse of memory a part of BPD? I remember him kissing me and me trying to get out politely, and him following me to the gate of my house, kissing me again as I gave him a hug goodbye. Either way I cheated and my boyfriend dumped me. He is so kind and amazing. He went to therapy with me today and we decided he cant take the abuse anymore and me telling him I was going to change and making my half-assed attempts over and over (doing the same thing, expecting different results) was getting me no-where. We decided to take a break until I can love myself to properly love someone else and I need to do things differently.
I need to stay away from Men because I am obsessed with the attention, and I need to focus on getting support in other places. I need to learn to love myself and do the CBT and DBT instead of dismissing them and saying they're not going to work. Just like I have the habit of feeling like I can only talk to girlfriends if my life is perfect, not when I need them.
This is a long road to recovery. We made a deal starting tomorrow not to talk to each other for a month and see how I have progressed and it might have to be longer, but I will for the first time not have a man to depend on and doing things for myself and relying on other people and myself. I hope I can use this site, I am not sure how it works where people really support each other, but I need all the help I can get and I am very very determined. I am tired of ruining lives I want to enhance others and love myself and not feel lonely and empty. Thanks for listening. Im glad to be able to read other posts and connect and not feel so alone in that sense.
I decided to go out earlier in the day when I was still sane. Being sane I decided it wasn't the best idea, and part of me was hoping that me saying I was going out meant my bf would go with me, It was manipulation I now understand. Well later that night around 8/9 I decided again to go out. I thought I would be ok, me and my boyfriend made a plan on what I would do if I was hit on which I knew would happen and I went with the plan set, optimistically. Why I went out was I now know though it is hard to believe and admit was for attention. A few minutes a guy bought me a beer and my plans, everything went out the window. I wasn't assertive, I really didn't want anything to do with him, but I lead him on for the attention and the inability to say no to it. I ended up leaving and going across the street making the excuse I was waiting for a friend, then all hell broke loose.
He followed me as I waited on a bench trying to figure out how I was getting home (I took a bus to the bar, safe from DUIs) and he followed and because I had no "friend" waiting and he knew it, he offered me a ride and I took it. He ended up kissing me, and I don't remember, but he remembers me making out with him. Is the lapse of memory a part of BPD? I remember him kissing me and me trying to get out politely, and him following me to the gate of my house, kissing me again as I gave him a hug goodbye. Either way I cheated and my boyfriend dumped me. He is so kind and amazing. He went to therapy with me today and we decided he cant take the abuse anymore and me telling him I was going to change and making my half-assed attempts over and over (doing the same thing, expecting different results) was getting me no-where. We decided to take a break until I can love myself to properly love someone else and I need to do things differently.
I need to stay away from Men because I am obsessed with the attention, and I need to focus on getting support in other places. I need to learn to love myself and do the CBT and DBT instead of dismissing them and saying they're not going to work. Just like I have the habit of feeling like I can only talk to girlfriends if my life is perfect, not when I need them.
This is a long road to recovery. We made a deal starting tomorrow not to talk to each other for a month and see how I have progressed and it might have to be longer, but I will for the first time not have a man to depend on and doing things for myself and relying on other people and myself. I hope I can use this site, I am not sure how it works where people really support each other, but I need all the help I can get and I am very very determined. I am tired of ruining lives I want to enhance others and love myself and not feel lonely and empty. Thanks for listening. Im glad to be able to read other posts and connect and not feel so alone in that sense.
I go out, too. But it's to the mall, the gym, the grocery store...
Maybe your "lapse" was a blackout?
My suggestion? STOP DRINKING. I bet the men won't be as much of an issue and your emotions will be a lot more stable after a month.
It might also prove to your ex that you are serious about working on yourself.
If the though of not drinking scares you, then I'd start considering AA.
I agree with others that alcohol, while it can be great and fun, is not helpful in times when we're working through issues like this - and particularly if you're on meds. Its tough to give up completely but if you can see the value in protecting yourself by laying off the booze, hopefully that helps.
I also can relate to the bit about not remembering everything, even though you weren't intoxicated. I experience that also (just did the other night) and its really bizarre and unfortunate. I hope you are able to get help figuring that part out and find a better place.
If you want to get out of the house, go to the mall or gym. If you want to be social, invite a GF to the house and cook together.
My two cents.