This is your codep speaking. What he does should not affect you so much.

He's right to cancel if he's not in the right frame of mind with so much else going on. At least he realized that it upset you and tried to "make up" by proposing the lunch idea. I think that's great.

As a codependent, I understand why you are hurt. You feel like its only the beginning of him neglecting counseling, that because he cancelled once that its no longer going to be a priority and things are going to go backwards and all progress will be lost! Am I close?? I know my mind spirals out of control when I feel like Im being let down.

Is your therapist helping you with detachment? Is your therapist helping you learn that his actions should not have this much effect on your progress and your emotions?

If he is being sincere in his efforts, then rescheduling once due to business and other factors should be acceptable. I know that letting go of the past and learning to put a lil faith into someone that has hurt you and let you down in the past isnt always easy. Best wishes on your reconcile! I hope that the two of you can work through your issues and get the help that you both need to succeed in your marriage.

My view is that he appears to be codependent himself (as most people are) because him asking you to reschedule the appointment is him meshing boundaries with you, and of course you are rightfully resisting that.

I find that many men do such things as like just giving their paycheck to their wife for her to handle the money and that too is meshing boundaries.

He needs to take care of his own business and his own recovery.

When I got my divorce my wife said things that I had never heard of, and I asked her why did not she tell me those things when we were happy together? and she replied that I never asked.

So it is totally possible that your husband might truly not know how you feel, and you need to communicate it all in detail to him, because such things really do need to be said and spoken.

Just my suggestion but sit down and specifically tell him that it is not right for you to make his appointments and that he needs to do it himself and it is up to him self to go to it, and you are dividing his boundaries from your boundaries, and then stick to that.

A link = http://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/10/20/affirmation-boundaries/

IMO that's all a load of crap. He agreed to make this a priority and is backing out of that WITHOUT discussing it with you. Yall could have come to the compromise of rescheduling and a lunch date but he decided those thjngs and expects you to handle the details for him. Keep in mind that I'm a codependent that has been in an emotionally and financially abusive marraige for 15 years. I might be seeing bad where its not so bad but I have to consider what would I have done had the situation been reversed. Your H at the very least needs to work on communication. I don't know your situation well enough to say more nut I'd like you to consider reading some on the abuse board on this site.please take extra good care of yourself
Warm gentle hugs

Have you tried telling your husband how you feel? Sometimes you have to be direct. My councelor likes to talk a lot about boundaries and expectations. See if you can maybe agree to not cancel any more appointments, if it's absolutely necessary then make another appointment for the next possible day rather than skipping a whole week or two. I also run my own business so I know sometimes you don't have enough hours in the day.

I've found that when my expectations being violated is what really upsets me rather than the circumstances that are happening. You expected (as you both agreed to) that your counceling should take priority over everything else...and when that didn't happen it makes you draw conclusions that may or may not be valid. Ask him about making alternative plans when things like this come up so that you can still be reassured that counceling is important to him and he's not just making excuses or slipping back into old habits of not making the relationship a priority.

I think he should be granted a one time pass. It's o.k. try not to read so much into it. Maybe your hurt because the sitaution couldn't be controlled. Stuff happens, and maybe there were other priorities for that week, doesn't mean it is the priority for the whole marriage.

One day you will need a pass to, so remember that. Now if he keeps doing this then I have a problem. lol. But yea go easy, ya'll just got back together, try to remember your working toward something, not trying to go back to the same old patterns.

Try something different this time, and give it a couple of days, i'm sure it won't hurt anymore.

I'm happy for you.

'Canceling the counseling' is a whipping tool to punish my insolence.
That's my case. I've been attending meetings, reading books, and went to therapy, and I've been practicing being independent, looking first on how to take of my self on situations I cannot control.
I cannot control my wife canceling counseling.
In response I will look for to take care for my self.


For example, joining this site and this forum.

Hi - I look up to the fact that you and your husband are making counseling and church a priority, together. That is my hope, that I can get to the point of communicating those wants/needs to my husband! Your post resonated with me. Thank you for sharing. ~ Tabitha