Thank you for your advice!

I was secretly talking to an addictions counselor at the VA clinic (I'm a veteran) and described to her what was going on. She printed out a bunch of things for me to read. It's how I pieced together his eating and exercising habits were all related to his addictions. But she and my chronic pain psychologist gave me a number for couples counseling and after that told me I was on my own. So far just getting the VA to call me back about getting the referral put through has been like pulling teeth. I've been waiting a month and they haven't contacted me yet. The problem is because my husband is not a veteran he can not use the services at the VA so we are waiting for that referral for a counselor outside the VA.

But to answer your question, I do get counseling mostly for chronic pain and for some things that happened to me while in the military. I have told them about what I discovered about my husband. They told me that until he gets an actual diagnosis I can't just throw the word "addict" or "alcoholic" around. (rolls eyes)

No I don't feel like I need my husband's approval for anything. But up until all this new drama I always communicated everything to him, like if I was thinking of doing something or going to make a decision. I like when we decide together. But since he likes to go off and do his own things and I'm more of a 3rd wheel to his plans, I told him last night I'm probably going to start hanging around my friends more. Instead of trying to do things with him (since he never feels like it) and he doesn't talk to me about his plans.

It just hurts that he works such long hours and then when he comes home he's buried in books but then he goes off on his own to do whatever he feels like. But then he'll be like, "...yeah I'm gonna go do this and that with so and so... did you want to tag along or something?" Like I'm some sort of room mate, not his wife. Especially because I'm always asking him to go do things with me and he doesn't really feel like it. But last night he had the nerve to get into a huge fight with me and make me feel like a piece if sh*t saying I never want to do anything with him. And it's all my fault that we don't get to do date nights, etc etc. and on and on he went. Which is why I bawled my eyes out.

Sigh omg.... there were a few times (in the past month or so) I had a suitcase open, I was thinking of leaving.

The VA NEEDS to get back to me asap and get us counseling.... this is ridiculous.

Hello.

I'm sorry you are going through this. He may not be a vet, but his behavior almost sounds like PTSD. Has he suffered any trauma?

Or maybe he's Borderline.

I'd start reading up on these and see which fits. Then, find books that teach you how to deal with it.

Hugs.

Just thought of this... you say you've been married for three years. You then say you were happy, but then you say it was a merry-go-round. Then you put it all together that he has addictive behavior.

Could it be that you are slowly coming out of denial and all those alcoholic behaviors have been there all along?

My suggestion? Stage an intervention. Say that you have come to realize that from YOUR perspective, he's an alcoholic and since you don't have kids (for the love of God, don't!), you either want him to quit drinking, or you will file for divorce and sue for alimony.
You say that you feel like he willfully hid his addiction and now, since you have chronic plain and may not be able to work, you plan to sue him for spousal support... That may make him think twice about dismissing your threats, since it will hit him in the pocket.

Really, how far of a stretch is that, since you've already packed bags.

As far as "not throwing around that term," that may be true... for INSURANCE purposes- they may need an official medical dx. But that should not prevent YOU from owning your perception of the situation. Get a checklist of alcoholic behavior and then look at your life. I bet you'll tick a lot of boxes.

Also, check out the Alcoholism board. I'm on there. Also check the codependency, personality disorder, and abuse forums. I think you'll learn a lot.

Hugs.

Thank you Deli! yes, that's pretty much what happened. I knew nothing of alcoholism or addiction and was on a marry-go-round but couldn't figure out what was wrong with my life till July 4th when I made the comment about it being too hot out dont' drink too much and it exploded in my face. Shortly after that I started looking for answers. I don't know how to stage an intervention. BUT I did talk to a guy at church who runs the celebrate recovery group about what's going on (he's actually one of the people who helped me figure out there's a problem because he used to be an addict and an alcoholic) and we got my husband to start going to the group. I thought this was great and it means he was thinking of getting help. But then hubby told me a few weeks ago that he doesn't have a problem since he gave up drugs 9 yrs ago and he just goes as a good example. Are freakin kidding me??! I don't want to threaten him with taking his money. Just threatening to leave him (and a divorce) would be bad enough. I'm pretty sure. I don't want to take his money because here in Hawaii it's so hard to get by, it's easy to become homeless. I don't want to do that to my husband. Ok, I will join the alcoholism board....

Sally, I will look for those groups in my area. I friend of mine from church used to be an addictions counselor was going to get me a list of the groups here but then a few days ago her sister had a heart attack so she had to fly out. Can I find that information online?

Wow... so he was a drug addict??? He probably thinks he's the cat's meow for not going back to one drug... but he's still an addict.

And you also need to get real with yourself... You are now telling us that he used to be an "real" addict, yet you are acting like you had some major light bulb moment on July 4th... Helloooo? He IS an addict.

Not being critical. Just trying to point out that all the red flags were there BEFORE marriage... (Presuming you knew beforehand.)

Hugs.

Please check out youarenotcrazy.com. I would also highly recommend Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband's behaviors sound like classic abuse and may be ultimately unrelated to his addiction.

Good luck.

Deli, I AM being real. It's like I said, I never knew anything about drug addiction or alcoholism before. I never had any real life exposure to anyone with those problems. Sure I've met people here and there who drank too much or were drug addicts but I never became close friends with them. If we sat down for lunch it's not like they explained to me all about their "problem". I just assumed it was like any other illness, if you got the right treatment and you had enough will power then you were cured. So when my husband (back when we were dating) told me he gave up drugs I assumed he was ok. I never knew it was a life long battle or that there were behaviors associated with it.

So yeah looking in hind sight now that my eyes have been opened I can see many red flags. And I feel terrible that I missed them all. The worse part is I asked him recently what kind of treatment did he go through 9 yrs ago to quit drugs and to my horror he said, "Nothing." He just quit cold turkey and started running, kite boarding, and doing a bunch of other things to stay occupied. Oh God I can't believe I didn't ask him that before! But on a positive note I'm glad I figured it out even if it is 3 yrs into marriage.... I've heard of people figuring it out 10-15 yrs into their marriage. This one lady I recently befriended (and have been hanging out with on a regular basis) told me she finally figured out her husband had a problem like 26 yrs into their marriage. And she herself was drinking and using. The worst part was that sometimes they would use together. Now that had me scratchin my head. She told me she already knew SHE had a problem but didn't know her husband was an addict. Talk about denial! So I'm glad I'm putting 2 and 2 together NOW and not 20 something yrs down the road. But until we both see a counselor I guess there is no professional diagnosis for what's going on. So till then, I have to find out what I can do for myself.

Sally, thanks for the links. I clicked on one of them and I guess I'll be calling tomorrow to find out where I can go.

Rosenkranz, thanks... I will go check them out.

I suppose hindsight is 20/20. How were you to know if you had no experience with it? I'm 42, so yeah, been around the block a bit more. But at 30... I was still figuring it all out, too.

Whatever you do, do NOT have kids with him at this point... just my advice.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Oh no.... not planning on it yet. lol. We talk about it but it'll be a few years before it might happen. Besides, we are talking about foster care or adoption. I've always wanted to adopt children. We can do that at any time, no hurry.

Thanks for the support! Our days like like a yo-yo. We'll get along fine for a few days maybe a week and then he'll be biting my head off over things like me asking him where he parked the car. Or like this past weekend where we were just sitting there talking about the newest movies out and I ended up getting roped into one of the worst arguments we ever had. He eventually apologized (but his apologies are usually vain). I'm just exhausted and fed up at this point. I'm thinking of strategies of how to shut it down when he starts an argument with me. He really knows how to press my buttons and takes those jabs at me where suddenly I feel like I have to sit there and keep defending myself.

But from what they are saying on the alcoholics board that's the way an alcoholic's mind is. He is super defensive and has to come out guns blazing.

I am anxious to get into Alanon & coda and learn more. Especially learn what I'm supposed to do or not do, say or not say and how to take care of myself.

But we are leaving for Maui today to spend Thanksgiving there and I'll be back on Mon (he comes back a day earlier). So I'll have to resume everything when I get back.

Btw, I looked at the websites. But because I was busy packing and had to change our addresses to misc things (we just moved) I didn't get a chance to call them.

Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone!

I'm on the Alcoholics board, too.

Yes... this may be his diseased mind... that's an explanation, but not an excuse and/or life sentence for you.

You'll also learn that the disease is progressive, so unless HE realizes that he's got an issue and that the only solution is to get into therapy and NEVER drink again, it's only going to get worse. Never mind the drugs...

Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? And kids??? If YOU personally would rather adopt or foster, know that you are willingly adding drama to your life, but it's very noble. If that's your choice and feel strongly about it, I'd get your tubes tied so you don't ever have to worry about getting pregnant from your H. Until he stops drinking and gets into therapy to see WHY he has that compulsion to abuse his body, the household you provide for any child will be a life sentence to dysfunction.

Sorry to sound so bleak...

Enjoy Maui. In that sense, you are lucky to be living in geographical paradise. Beats Chilly Philly.

Happy Thanksgiving! I presume it's not Turkey, but roast pig for you???