The bottom line is that I have no self worth. My choices in relationships have reflected that fact. I've been manipulated and treated like total crap because of it. It really hurts to discover that people who we thought cared about really don't care much, or at all. The most heinously painful thing about my life is that my massive insecurities learned as a kid are reflected and reinforced in my adult relationships.

I just got out of a friendship/relationship with someone I lived with. She was probably the most uncommunicative, emotionally unavailable person I've been with so far. I really outdid myself this time. I could go on and on about the particulars, but it all comes back to me basically hating myself. I wasn't always this way. Back in my 20's I would never, ever have gotten into such a relationship because I had some self worth.

My upbringing has a lot to do with this. My parents hated each other and hate their offspring. My mom told me she wished I was never born. She never told me or my brothers she loved us or showed any kind of physical affection towards us growing up. My dad was more hot and cold. He could be a super fun guy to be around. From the earliest age I totally idolized the guy and always wanted to make him proud. In kindergarten I remember being asked what I wanted to be when i grew up and I said, "I want to be a salesman, just like my dad". Unfortunately his dark side completely overshadows any good in him. I never knew what his mood would be when got home from work. It could either be play wrestling on the bed or severe physical and even worse emotional abuse. He knew how much I looked up to him and basically used that in his evil efforts to hurt me. He would plan things with me and cancel them, on purpose, just to hurt me. I remember once as a kid waiting for him to pick me up, sitting on the porch, suitcase by my side when the phone rang. My mom poked her head out of the front door to deliver the news of his latest cancellation and flake out. I was in a pretty serious car wreck in high school. My dad arrived at the hospital at the same time two of my friends did. On the way into the ER he said, "Damn it, how much is this going to 'effing' cost me". The stuff described here doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.

Without the knowledge of the disease of codependency, I don't think I would survive. I really feel comfortable at meetings. Everyone there is down to earth and real. In addition to breaking free of a codependent relationship, my friends lately are MIA and I am unemployed. My depression and especially anxiety are off the charts. Have you ever felt so despairing and horrible that you felt like you couldn't survive one more minute? I am getting better but it's painfully slow.