No... every relationship is not codependent. A healthy relationship is interdepedent.
you are both healthy, separate individuals who harmoniously have an interdependent relationship but you are neither dependent or co-dependent. all the wailing and nashing of teeth in breakups is your first clue this was not a healthy relationship. healthy adults realize when a relationship isn't working and work maturely to redefine it and separate.
Anytime you have animosity, guilt, accusations and all those other emotions which seem to be prevalent on this board its your biggest clue the relationship was unhealthy.
All good blessings.

Gotcha. Interdependent. Nice word. A gentle warm feeling of fondness...?

I think the confusing thing is that it has such a broad set of "symptoms". Maybe we all just get lost in the "isms" and such. When I was in the church, there was a saying "seeing a demon in every bush" I think we humans tend to do that in pretty much every part of life. In other words, maybe we're seeing a co-dependant trait in every bush...(ie: "in everything we do and say")(and thats just another obsessive activity). ;)

Cap.. you are so right. Everyone wants to belong... and saying your codependent sometimes gives an explanation to unexplanable feelings or actions. People can do things that are co-dependent, without being a co-dependent. here's an example. you can decide to give your child money for college instead of making him work for his tuition. In the broadest sense that is a codependent behavior. Or you can decide to go to a party you are invited to, simply because you do not want to hurt the persons's feelings. In actuality that can be a codependent action. It all depends on what your intentions are. If, you pay your son's tuition in order to try and control his time and his learning... that is definitely co-dependent. If you go to the party because you want the person to like you or just so she can meet your husband - who is incredibly good looking and hope to conjure up feelings of jealousy on her part that is codependent. You are absolutely right, too many people label themselves co-dependent when they are not and those who should don't.
All good blessings.

Hmmmmmmmm....let's see if I got this right.

Koolman has a point as far as people becoming more dependent on each other with time--that's only natural and can be expected for especially long term relationships, say, over 50 years or so....??

But, as Dr. J says, when the one individual depends/THINKS totally of his own happiness, then the relationship is no longer a 'healthy' relationship, but instead a relatioship built on false standing, or Toxic.

Like Cap says, we must be careful not to 'see' co-dependent behavior in everything.

MGS1, you concur by basically saying that our 'motives' or our 'intent' is what makes us 'co-dependent' -- NOT necessarily our actions....

Am I on the right page so far?

this notion is what i am trying to fight. i feel if i back off, or detach i will fall out of love with him, or that it means i don't care about him. i know that somehow i need to get over this and am looking for any suggestions.

When you give up your own life, your own wants, your own needs. When you bury ( and I mean six feet under ) your own feelings, emotions and needs and wants to keep someone at your side NO MATTER WHAT.... your codependent. If you expect someone to do this for your sake... your ( as learned from a good friend today ) a piece of crap. ok now I will breath LOL

OK, I'm hearing conflicting reports here. Barnal says "when you think totally of yourself, that's co-dependent". Dee says "when you give up your own wants, that's co-dependent". There's got to be some middle ground of accepting personal responsibility for one's own happiness, yet relying on another SOMEWHAT for support and love.

Let me see if I can put this clearly. Co-dependent people tend to bury their own feelings and not even know what they want in their life because they are trying so hard to control everyone else around them.

Essentially they give away their own power in order to "fix", "caretake", and "rescue". A codependent person will give up control over their own life and decisions because they are desperateling seeking to control the lives of others around them.

No, koolman -- there really isn't much personal responsibility in a co-dependent persons mind for their own happiness. People struggling with co-dependency often believe that they aren't happy because others don't "appreciate them, don't listen to them, or don't do things their way."

i always thought that too, but the definition of the word is not what the word SOUNDS like. "co-dependent" is the label for a person who is on the other end of an abusive relationship. i.e: the "it takes 2 to tango" theory of blaming the victim.

There isn't a need to label loving relationships that really work with a name. They're just right.

Codependent as lovebugged said comes to light when you're dealing in any way with abusive, painful, negative or life-sucking people!

hugs

Every relationship IS codependent in some nature. The problem comes in when the other person's thoughts and actions began to effect you TOO much and begins to effect the state of your emotional well-being. Of course if your partner, say for instance, cheats on you, then yeah, that is going to effect you BECAUSE YOU ARE HUMAN. Thats part of being in a relationship--it makes you vunerable.

So...I guess the trick is to be sweet but not smothering or possessive, allowing the other person to be their own entity, but filling the gap in their heart with your love, which is a kind of love that says "I'll do all in my power to help you be happy. If you're not happy, it's OK to leave and find your happiness elsewhere". And expecting the same in return. Right?

yea. i think so. kinda like giving someone freedom to be who they are and accepting them.
like "i'm ok, you're ok"

the odd thing for me, as a coD-love addict is that unless i'm being smothered i don't perceive love.

but then again, i'm terrified of real intimacy. i can put it out there but when someone offers it to me it scares the hell out of me....
but then i get so worked up trying to get it....
argh....
follow that circular reasoning?